Closing the Gap Between Expectations and Reality

Some say the key to avoiding disappointment is to keep your expectations low. Some even go so far as to say just don’t have any expectations at all. In some cases, this might work. Maybe your spirits have been crushed by your favorite sports team too many times to count, and you can’t simply invest any more emotional energy into getting your hopes up. Or perhaps you avoid reading any reviews of a movie you’ve wanted to see so that your own reaction isn’t swayed by your expectations.

When it comes to relationships, however, having expectations can be healthy. They help to set a standard for what is or isn’t acceptable and provide a baseline for holding yourself and each other accountable. They have the potential to push us to be a better partner and to grow as a couple.

You could say there’s a sweet spot for expectations in marriage, a balance between aspirational and attainable. Unfortunately, getting into this “zone” doesn’t always happen naturally. Sometimes it can seem like you’re both doing everything you should be, but there’s still a gap between expectations and reality. How can you bridge this gap? Let’s explore.

1. Keep communicating.

It can be frustrating when you feel like you’re putting in the effort to communicate expectations with each other, but you’re still not quite on the same page. Don’t get discouraged. Instead of giving up and shutting down, see this as an opportunity to communicate even more. Perhaps you think your feelings are obvious or you already know where your partner stands. Instead of making assumptions, put a little extra effort into understanding each other. This might be giving more context or expressing the feelings behind an expectation. Or it could be asking questions to get insight into your spouse’s perspective. It might feel like you’re over-communicating, but sometimes that’s just what is needed for things to click.

2. Hold yourself accountable.

Let’s assume your expectations are reasonable and you’ve communicated them well. Is your part done? Is it out of your hands and now up to your spouse alone to fulfill them? Not necessarily. Take some time to reflect on what you can do to increase the likelihood your expectations are fulfilled. It might mean putting in a little extra effort on your end or talking with your partner about direct or indirect ways you can help them. When you both work toward fulfilling relationship expectations, it not only boosts the team mentality of your relationship, it also empowers you as individuals knowing you can make them happen.

3. Reassess together.

What if communication is flowing well and you’re both putting in work, but one or both of you still feels something isn’t up to par? It might be time to take a step back and re-evaluate. Discuss the expectation and the issues underlying it. Sometimes, we hold onto certain expectations without really knowing why. It could be tied to certain feelings, triggers, insecurities, or instilled ideas about marriage. Give yourself and each other permission to let go of this expectation that’s causing discontent. Understand that it doesn’t mean you’re giving up, and it doesn’t mean it’s permanent. It could simply be that it’s not a great fit for your life right now.

Once you begin to understand how expectations impact your relationship, it can be a game-changer. You might see a positive changes in your marriage simply from increased awareness and adjusting your mindset. There may come a time, however, when you find yourselves at somewhat of an impasse – an expectation seems reasonable and clear enough, but it’s still not being met. Hopefully these tips can help you work together to close the remaining gap.