Picture the scene: You and your spouse have just enjoyed a lovely dinner at your in-law’s house. You’re stuffed, but your mother-in-law just brought out dessert. You politely decline, and immediately get an elbow jab and a stern look from your spouse. You’re confused. You’re too full for dessert, and you don’t have much of a sweet tooth either. What’s wrong with saying no?
As you come to find out later – everything! You unwittingly broke an unwritten rule in your spouse’s family – you don’t turn down dessert. “Why not?” you ask. Your spouse shrugs. “I don’t know, you just don’t.” You make a mental note of it for the future.
Have you ever been in this situation? It’s like there’s an invisible playbook you need to follow. Once you know the plays, it’s simple enough, but learning them can be awkward, uncomfortable, and even cause conflict in your marriage and family.
While this is an example within one of your families, chances are there are unwritten rules within your marriage as well. Where did they come from? How did you learn them? What impact do they have on your relationship? Let’s explore.
First things first, what are these rules?
Take some time to think about the unwritten rules that exist in your marriage. If you’re having trouble pinpointing them, think about the unwritten rules of society and culture. For instance, it’s generally frowned upon to cut in front of people in line. There’s no law against it, but people tend to get a little annoyed. Now think of similar rules within your relationship or household. They might be superficial things like the right way to load the dishwasher or when it’s okay to open a new box of snacks. Or they might be more serious, like not talking about money in front of others or never going to bed angry. Wherever they fall on this spectrum, they all have one thing in common: they’re generally unspoken. You both tacitly agree on and follow them. When they are brought up, it’s usually because they’ve been broken in some way, as illustrated in the opening example.
Where do they come from?
Now consider this – who made these rules? Did you sit down one day and decide that you would do things this way or that in your marriage? Maybe… but it’s more likely that they formed organically. Some are carried over from your upbringing and the family you grew up in. Others evolve from habits, preferences, values and beliefs. Some originate with just one of you and the other partner adopts it, while others form as you navigate marriage together. What makes them unwritten – and difficult to identify and define – is that they tend to exist without either of you even realizing it.
What purpose do they serve?
Unwritten rules can help guide your behaviors and actions across all aspects of your relationship – from how you communicate and deal with conflict to how you divide chores, socialize with friends, and make decisions. When you and your spouse are aligned on them, it can lend to a deep sense of mutual understanding, respect, and oneness. When you’re not, it can feel like you don’t understand each other at all!
Why do they cause conflict?
Have you ever had a fight with your spouse over breaking an unwritten rule? If you were the rule breaker, you maybe felt confused and frustrated – how were you supposed to know this? If you were on the other side of the argument, you were maybe annoyed or hurt – shouldn’t they know this? Your spouse expected you to do things a certain way; you expected there would be no issue doing it differently. The lack of communication about the rule alongside the assumption that it would be followed leads to unmet expectations, and we know those are a common cause of conflict in marriage.
So what’s the takeaway?
Just as in general society, unwritten rules in marriage are hard to avoid. When everyone is “in the know” things typically run pretty smoothly. But when you or others are out of the loop, it can cause all kinds of misunderstandings and issues. And that’s why we’re making the case for calling out your unwritten rules. It helps you both learn more about yourselves and each other, encouraging self-reflection. It can prompt you to explore the influence of your upbringing and family – and be more intentional about how that impacts your marriage. And perhaps most importantly, it helps create transparency and clarity around expectations, which can help you avoid unnecessary conflict and feel happier in your marriage – and that’s something we can all get behind.
