Breaking the Ice in Marriage

You might think icebreakers are only for awkward team building exercises at work or networking events, and cringe at having to come up with a fun fact about yourself. You and your spouse already know each other, why do you need icebreakers?

Well, you know those times after a negative interaction or argument, when you walk away with things unresolved. Tension lingers between you. The vibe feels cold, strained, or just “off.” Maybe you’re not actually still mad at each other or fighting – there’s just a sense of uncomfortable distance or silence between you. You might both be wondering if the other person is still angry or struggle with being the first person to “give in.”

It’s tempting to just deal with this dynamic and let things get back to normal in time. You can’t stay cold toward each other forever, right? On the surface, it might seem like all is forgotten, and everything is fine. However, when things are never fully repaired between you, resentment can fester, ultimately eroding your emotional connection and damaging your relationship. The alternative, of course, is to be proactive about breaking that ice between you, so that you feel closer after a fight instead of the opposite. The problem is, it’s not always easy. It’s hard to know what to say, and sometimes our own pride and human tendencies can get in the way. That’s where these tips can help.

Check your ego at the door.

One of the biggest obstacles we often face when it comes to initiating reconnection after a fight is our own ego. Can you relate? Maybe you’re fixated on the idea that your spouse started the fight, so they should be the one who comes to you and apologizes. Perhaps you think folding first shows weakness, or that you’re admitting fault. At the end of the day, these lines of reasoning are defense mechanisms that inhibit the emotional maturity required to put your marriage first. That means fighting past the discomfort of being the first to apologize or taking the “easier” option of retreating within yourself. Instead, you turn toward your spouse in a way that says, “I don’t want this distance between us; I want to reconnect.”


Be a softie.

When you’ve managed to work up the courage to break the ice, you might have a tendency to go in defensively, especially if the preceding conflict had you feeling angry, hurt, or vulnerable. Instead of leading off with more criticisms or harsh words, try to approach softly. Think gentle tone of voice, open body language, and empathetic mindset. Depending on the delivery, a phrase as simple as, “Hey, let’s talk,” can either come across as a confrontation or a warm invitation. Try to aim for the latter. This is often what we need from our spouse when we’re trying to repair after a conflict, but we underestimate the effect of our tone and body language.

Take responsibility.

So you’ve approached your spouse softly, now what do you say? Focus on taking responsibility for your actions or contributions to the issues. Apologize without making excuses or contradictions (I’m sorry, but…). You might say, “I’m really sorry I snapped at you and stormed off. You didn’t deserve that.” Or it might be letting them know, “I’m not mad at you, I’m sorry I was rude.” When there’s a chilly dynamic between you, the last thing the situation needs is more finger-pointing. When you own your mistakes, your partner is that much more likely to follow suit.

Use humor.

Humor is a great way to lighten the mood and get back to feeling like your old selves, especially if it’s typically a strong point of bonding and connection in your relationship. You might both feel like you’re walking on eggshells, until one of you cracks a joke. That can give the signal that you’re ready to reconnect. Of course, you’ll want to use your best judgment on whether it feels appropriate to break the ice with jokes or not.

Hug it out.

Physical affection isn’t everyone’s forte, but it’s what some people crave when seeking connection – verbal reassurances just aren’t the same. If you’re ready to be done awkwardly avoiding each other around the house, take the leap and pull your spouse in for a big, lingering hug. It can relieve the tension that you’re both harboring, and it’s a great opening for more conversation if needed.

Sure, you can let that yucky sense of distance simmer between you until it eventually (hopefully) fades away. But life is too short to spend hours or days feeling disconnected and cold toward the person you love – it’s not fun for either of you! Luckily, it doesn’t have to be that way. These tips can help you break out of that rut and break the ice.