Ask These Questions When Things Are Feeling Off

Sometimes you and your spouse can look at each other and have an entire conversation in just one glance. You’re in tune with each other and on the same page. Other times, this isn’t the case. It might feel like you’re a million miles apart – emotionally, mentally, and physically. You’re snippy and easily annoyed with each other. One misunderstanding leads to another. Neither of you feels like the other person knows where you’re coming from. You’re not necessarily mad at each other, but you can both admit that things feel… off.

Can you relate? Most couples go through periods like this from time to time – it’s normal! Next time things start feeling off between you and your spouse, take some time to ask these questions:

Am I holding onto something that needs to be addressed?

Maybe it’s a comment your spouse made last week, something they did or didn’t do, or feelings you’ve been experiencing lately. It could be any number of things, but if you’re holding something in that is causing you to have negative feelings toward your spouse, it’s time to call yourself out on it. Chances are those feelings are turning into resentment, and it’s best to nip that in the bud ASAP. Even if it’s an issue that you’ve already discussed, it might be necessary to get realigned or recalibrated. After all, many ongoing issues in marriage aren’t resolved in just one conversation – they tend to keep popping up from time to time. And that’s also why they tend to trigger us more in the first place.

Is there something you really need your spouse to hear?

Sometimes you just need to get something off your chest, and have your spouse truly hear and understand it. Maybe it just never seems like the right time to bring it up, or you’re worried you’ll be judged or criticized. Perhaps you’ve been hesitant because you’re unsure how your spouse will take it. Time to put it out there! Similar to unaddressed issues, holding back and feeling unheard or misunderstood by your spouse slowly builds a wall between you. If you and your spouse have things you need to share, focus on being good listeners and hearing each other out. Work to understand where your partner is coming from instead of getting defensive or taking things personally. Upping the empathy between you has a positive effect all throughout your marriage.

How would you rate your communication and connection level lately, and why?

These could be two separate questions, but communication and connection typically go hand in hand. When you’re feeling connected to each other, you’re probably communicating well, and vice versa. Conversely, when one is faltering, the other is probably not going so well either. Reflect on what might be hampering your communication and closeness. Is it the issues or things you needed to share? Is resentment causing you to withdraw? Are you assuming negative intent instead of positive? Often it’s not one single variable, but a series or combination of things that leads to distance between you.

Are there external factors that could be contributing to your friction lately?

While the internal dynamics of your relationship likely play a big part, your marriage does not operate in a vacuum. It’s inevitably affected by all the things in your orbit, some of which you have control over, and some of which you don’t. For example, it could be you’re in a particularly challenging season of life or transitioning to a new one. Maybe you’ve just experienced a crisis or traumatic event. Perhaps your job or family circumstances create ongoing stress or uncertainty in your daily lives. Take time to acknowledge how these things affect you individually and as a couple. Remind yourselves that you’re the same team and that you’re stronger working together than against each other.

What steps can you take when things start feeling off in the future (or to avoid it getting to that point?)

A productive discussion is great, but walking away from the conversation with a plan for how you can both grow as spouses is even better. Maybe you agree on a code word to say when you’re getting snippy with each other, and that means it’s time for a reset conversation. Or you decide to prioritize date nights more because you know it help you stay emotionally connected. Whatever you settle on, incorporate a way to hold yourselves to it – write it on a post-it and stick it somewhere you both see it if you need to.

If things are feeling off between you, it’s not the end of the world. It’s simply a good indicator that it’s time to sit down and get to the bottom of what’s going on. You’ll likely go through this cycle many times over the course of your marriage. The goal isn’t necessarily to eliminate it entirely, but instead to always be invested enough in your marriage that you keep asking the questions and having the conversations that will get you back on the right track.