Are you even listening to me?!
Have you ever been on the receiving end of this question? It’s not a great feeling. You might feel like you’re justifiably getting called out or you might get a little indignant because you were actually listening! Whatever the case, something is missing when it comes to your active listening, which is foundational to good communication.
Here are five tips to make sure your partner feels heard:
- Avoid multitasking.
Put down your phone, close the laptop, stop loading the dishwasher. Focus your full attention on your partner. You might be perfectly capable of listening intently while folding laundry, but if they’re trying to tell you something important let them know you’re ready to hear what they have to say by focusing solely on them. - Be mindful of your body language.
You might not be doing other tasks, but if you’re sitting with your arms crossed defensively and looking off into the distance, you’re not going to come across as very open to listening. Relax your body, look them in the eye, and make some kind physical contact. These cues let your partner know that you’re there in the moment with them, both physically and mentally. - Let them speak.
This seems somewhat obvious, but in the moment it’s natural to want to interject with your own responses. Try to avoid interrupting until they give a cue that they’re done sharing. This is especially important during conversations where emotions are running high, but it’s a considerate habit to adopt for lighter exchanges as well. - Restate what they’ve shared.
One of the tenets of active listening, restating what your partner is conveying to you helps ensure that nothing is getting lost in translation. Instead of just parroting back what they say verbatim, focus on hearing and restating the true meaning in their words. If you’re slightly off mark – that’s okay. This gives them the opportunity to provide clarification and you the chance to increase your understanding. - Ask good questions.
Be curious! Following up with questions to learn more about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and perspective not only shows that you were really listening, but also that they what they’re saying – and the person saying it – is important.
Bonus tip for the speaker: If you’ve got something that you really want your partner to hear, let them know. Give them a heads up by saying, “Hey, do you have a second?” or “Can I talk to you about something important?” Maybe they’re in the middle of something or their mind is on other things, but by assertively letting them know you need them to listen, you’re making it easier for them to drop what they’re doing to pay attention, a win-win situation.
Good communication is such a basic component of a strong relationship that we sometimes overlook the smaller components that go into it. They might seem minor, but by being proactive in creating good habits, you can nip bigger issues in the bud. There’s a compounding effect, improving the other areas of your relationship that rely on solid communication. Let us know how these habits have benefitted your relationship!
My husband refuses to ever put the phone or screen down to listen, insisting on multitasking. I know he cares, and he’s not a mean or unkind person, but this is the way he learned to communicate in his family; essentially, they don’t. We have to! What can I do that will give us a better chance at positive movement in this direction. I have expressed my concerns in this area, and still no change. We have been married almost 9 years and have 2 boys, who also wish Dad would put down his phone sometimes, for more than 2 1/2 minutes.
Crucial
Conversation is what you should have with him. He need to be told it makes you and many feel under valued.
Ask, does he do this at work to co workers?
This is about more than just communicating, it’s about respect.
I honestly say “I prefer to speak to you not the back of your phone” I then refuse to speak until the phone is put down. If he picks it up again I stop talking. It took a few times but now he actually talks without his phone in his hand. I also make a point of silencing my phone and setting it facedown on the table anytime he speaks to me.
Our daughter and her 3 daughters love with us and we have “no electronic
device times. No phones at the dinner table ever! My daughter used to say that everyone is used to and expects her immediate response. I told her
she needs to retrain her friend s
Jo, Have you ever discussed having agreed “family no media time zones” such as first 15 minutes after arriving home, during meal times, last 15 minutes before bed time, during family devos, etc.? If not, that might be a great way to bring up the conversation. That way your husband is not the only target, but everyone in the family is agreeing and will help hold each other accountable.
Gene
May I recommend this sermon series called “Screen Time”?
https://compass.church/messages?sapurl=LyswZDI0L2xiL21zLys0cmszcXR6P2JyYW5kaW5nPXRydWUmZW1iZWQ9dHJ1ZQ==
There’s a plethora of research that shows that we are failures when it comes to multitasking. God did not design us to to multitask; science has also supported this proof.
Your husband needs to put his phone down. There’s no if ands or buts.
Just recently, my wife explained me to that she really didn’t like it when I took a sip of water when we were talking. I stopped doing this because we discovered how even the nature of drinking water was distracting to me and it also didn’t support her in feeling listened to.
Also notice when you arrive home that they have gotten a haircut if that is so. If you need prompting to notice a new haircut are you even looking at them truly mind and soul. I was guilty of this because it took me time to decompress from work.
My big thing is, I used to be a “fixer.” I felt if something was wrong it was my duty as a husband to “fix” whatever it was. That would lead me to interrupt my wife to offer a suggestion, making her feel I didn’t really care what she was saying but rather wanted to get the conversation over with and move on to something more “important” when what I actually wanted was to be helpful and offer a solution. However what my wife wanted was to feel valued and listened to! Hard lesson for me but I finally caught the hint! Now I practice active listening, which is so important in ANY relationship but especially between a husband and wife. Then, once my wife has finished telling me what she wanted to convey, I will ask: “Now, did you want me to just listen OR did you want my opinion on options to help with (fill in the blank)?” This also makes her feel valued and ultimately empowered to make a decision while taking others’ input under consideration. It takes work to go from a “fixer” to an active listener but my wife, and our marriage of 30+ years, is worth it!
Find out what he is looking at on the phone and it’s purpose. Is it work? Is it social media? Is just learning? Unfortunately, we have gotten to a place where we are expected to respond almost instantly. With technology, we are always “available”, there was a time when you called someone at a company and they weren’t available, you would leave a message. Now, if they are in the car driving somewhere, it is expected that they will talk to you. With social media, likes and shares give some people a sense of acknowledgement that can give a high similar to drugs. For me, that little box is the gateway to a universe of knowledge. I’m an insatiable learner. I have to be aware of that around others. I would suggest that you find out what the phone is providing to him or demanding of him before identifying a course of action to change the habit.