“That movie was such a letdown. From what everyone’s been saying, I expected it to be so much better!”
Have you ever experienced this kind of disappointment? Expectations have a huge effect on the way you perceive and experience life. Whether it’s that over-hyped movie, a party you thought you’d leave early (but ended up staying late), or the difficulty in transitioning to a new life stage, sometimes your own expectations can cloud the true nature of the situation at hand. In marriage, this can be a particularly game-changing realization – that you have the power within yourself to feel happier and more satisfied in your relationship. If you’ve been struggling in your relationship lately, here are five signs you might need to check your expectations.
You’re a perfectionist.
There’s nothing wrong with holding yourself and others to high standards, but it needs to be tempered with a dose of reality. When you let your expectations become impossible to meet, you set your relationship up for disappointment and frustration. Your partner might feel discouraged – how can they possibly measure up? Why even try? You might also have a tendency to see anything less than perfect as failure, when that’s simply not the case. You’re both human, and mistakes will be made. Work on recognizing when being you’re too hard on your spouse – and yourself. Focus on extending empathy, grace, and understanding.
You’re striving to have the “ideal” relationship.
When it comes to the comparison game, the struggle is real. With social media, reality television, and countless marriage/relationship “influencer” couples inundating our consciousness, it’s almost impossible to not feel like there’s an “ideal” relationship image that we need to embody. Sure, there are some pretty universal traits and skills of healthy relationships, but there is no single model for the perfect marriage. Each couple and the dynamics within their relationship are entirely unique, and that means “ideal” is going to look different for everyone. Let go of the expectation that you or your spouse need to do ABC or XYZ in a specific way. Instead, put energy into finding what works for your relationship.
You’re constantly critical, disappointed, or resentful.
If your expectations are too high, they’re probably not being met. And that’s going to leave you in a state of discontent that ultimately has a negative effect on your relationship. When you’re too focused on whether your spouse is checking all the boxes of your stringent expectations, you’re more likely to nitpick, criticize, or simply be unhappy and dissatisfied. This negativity inevitably bleeds into all areas of your relationship and leaves your spouse feeling unappreciated and inadequate. Try to take a step back and examine your own role in your unmet expectations. What adjustments can you make yourself that would help your partner meet them?
You’re relying on your spouse to make you happy.
While it’s true that your spouse will fulfill a lot of your needs and contribute greatly to your happiness, they aren’t meant to fulfill them all or be your sole source of joy.. And it’s unfair to expect them to play that role. Put yourself in that position – that’s a lot of weight to carry, right? Ultimately, you have to be able to find a sense of contentedness and satisfaction within yourself. One of the ways to do that is by managing your relationship expectations in a healthy way. You’ll not only want to make sure they’re realistic, you’ll also want to practice clearly communicating them to your partner instead of expecting that they’ll read your mind.
It’s not just about expecting too much.
We’ve talked mostly about expectations that are too high, but expectations that are too low can be problematic as well. For example, if disrespect is par for the course between you and your partner, it might be good to have a conversation about the baseline expectations of a healthy relationship. Or, if there is no expectation of effort and investment into maintaining a strong connection and growing as as couple, you might experience complacency or fail to live up to your “potential” as a couple. Of course, there are situations when the issue goes beyond just having low expectations. If abuse, addiction, mental illness, or other serious issues are present, consider seeking guidance from a trusted professional.
In a healthy relationship, you and your partner both invest energy into meeting each other’s needs, working through issues, and growing together. So when we’re feeling dissatisfied, it’s natural to want to look to the other person for answers. Sometimes they might have them. Other times, it’s valuable to do some self-reflection to see how you might be contributing to the problem. You might find you’re able to change your entire perspective and experience of your relationship simply by checking your expectations.
At all costs, I avoid preconceived notions. More importantly, I cannot change who a person is, I can only change my behavior toward that person. Changing it to Godly behavior
I think some of these issues can be resolved when a couple takes time to individually think about what they really desire for themselves. Then to share these wants or needs with the expectation that the partner will want to support or give what is wanted. Many problems arise because expectations aren’t recognized or shared. They don’t become known by osmosis.
Agree! Stop thinking they should just “know.” Talk about, share, even wrote it down.
I’ve talked about it. Written it down. Talked some more. Written it more. Cried about it. Yelled about it. Tried not caring. Talked about it more. It’s the same thing every time. He gets on his best behavior for a week or maybe even a month, but as soon as the next new and exciting thing (hobby, tv show, whatever) comes along, he forgets about me and busiest himself with that and the cycle starts all over again.
Sarah,
I can relate to what you are expressing. I do the same…remind, yell, and cry. During the early part of our relationship, I asked my partner if he was “teachable” as I, myself, choose to be teachable. He said, “Yes” that he is. That was two years ago. When I remind him of what he said and what areas he said he will try to work on (I have my own areas I’m working on), he said it’s hard to change. I believe that. I also know it takes a lot of work and needs daily attention. I suggested we hold each other accountable by having occasional check-in meetings to share how we’re doing. He was in agreement, but it appears I will need to initiate the meeting. We haven’t had one yet. It would mean a lot to me if he would also take the initiative.
It is what it is.
Daily I choose to be thankful that he is willing to make changes and willing to have check-in meetings.
I hope your situation is getting better.
Laura
Do you have any other articles or sources that get deeper concerning perfectionism?
Maybe do a personality assessment to see if this is really who you are or is this being driven by a past hurt or wound?
Majority of Expectations in relationships are commonly subconscious projections of learned Family of Origin, Systems, Constellations’ – perceptions, attitudes, relational dynamics, patterned behaviours, values, etc. learned in childhood via implicit memory, losses, traumas, etc.
Competent Therapists can fully support couples to healthy resolutions by ‘going to the root’ to unpack the Past, in order to ‘be Present’… otherwise one merely counsels ‘smoke & mirrors’ solutions for the ‘superficial drama’ 10% tip of the iceberg that are never the real issues.
Consider ongoing competency training – Trauma Informed, Emotional Attachment, Gottman Institute, etc. to counsel/support couples in healthier functioning – clarity, insight & understanding, no dramas, respectful & responsible, mutually rewarding, loving & lasting relationships.