As a married couple, you probably spend a significant amount of time together, and that’s a good thing! Feeling highly connected to each other is a crucial part of a healthy marriage, and it’s hard to build that sense of intimacy when you don’t get to spend much time together. Across this very blog, you’ll find a multitude of posts detailing ways to prioritize togetherness, boost connection, and spend more time together. This begs the question: can you have too much of a good thing?
Surprisingly (or not), the answer is yes. As with many things in life, it’s all about balance. While high levels of closeness and connection can be a good thing, it needs to be counterbalanced by a sense of separateness as well. So how do you know if you need a little more time apart? Here are five signs to look for.
1. You no longer pursue your separate interests.
You used to meet up with friends once a week to play tennis and you volunteered at the library. Your spouse was strongly considering making their photography hobby into a side hustle. Somewhere along the line, you stopped doing these things so that you could spend more time together, and then you never really picked them back up. The thing is, while it’s not unusual to drop other activities during certain seasons of your marriage, it’s important for your wellbeing to eventually pick them back up. Nurturing your separate hobbies and interests gives you both a sense of balance and fulfillment, ultimately helping you be better spouses.
2. You don’t actually enjoy the time you spend together.
Normally, couples look forward to hanging out and spending time together. But you’ve noticed that lately instead of feeling excited about it, you’re actually feeling a sense of “ugh”. Instead of it being an enjoyable time, it feels like something to endure. It shouldn’t be like this! If you’d both rather be doing something else, this is a good sign that you need to start focusing more on the quality of your time together instead of the quantity.
3. You have trouble distinguishing your own preferences and opinions from your spouse’s.
When someone asks you what you think about an issue in the news or even what you like on your pizza, do you automatically response with, “We think…” or “We like…”? You may very well like the same things or have similar opinions, but if it seems like you’re morphing into one person, it’s a sign you might need to take more time to yourselves. While you’re united as one in marriage, you’re still two different people – and those differences are what make your relationship dynamic and beautiful. Embracing your differences primes you to grow together – both as individuals and as a couple. Plus, you’ll have much more interesting conversations!
4. You struggle to make minor decisions on your own.
In marriage, it’s normal to make big decisions (and even medium ones) together with your spouse. It’s also normal to run day-to-day things by each other to show consideration and keep your household running smoothly. But if you find yourself unable to make simple decisions on your own without consulting your partner first, this can be a sign of codependence or “losing yourself” a bit in your marriage. You are both smart, competent adults who are capable of making minor decisions (what to order for lunch, which shirt to wear, etc.) on your own. Spending a little more time apart can help you regain that sense of autonomy and confidence.
5. You’re constantly irritated with each other.
When you’re around each other all the time, those little quirks and habits that would otherwise be easily overlooked start to wear on your nerves. You start nitpicking each other and focusing on all their negatives. This inevitably leads to bickering and arguments over trivial things. While the topic of the fight might not be very serious, the effect on your relationship can be if this dynamic is sustained over time. You probably know the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Well, in this case, getting some space from each other can give you a chance to start appreciating each other again.
It might seem really strange for a marriage blog to encourage you to spend time apart from your spouse. However, it’s not uncommon for couples to go through seasons in which they are overly connected. Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself, and it actually helped you get through a difficult time or crisis. The key is that you eventually return to a more balanced state, and a bit less togetherness can be the ticket to getting there.
Thank you very much for some important points
Is it strange that there is no Scipture referenced in this advice? This seems to be more subjective, and more common with the culture rather than with a Christian marriage. I’m not saying it’s all wrong, but not seemingly biblically backed. I don’t see anywhere in Scripture that tells us we should spend time apart from each other, except for in prayer (1 Corinthians 7:5). That doesn’t mean we should never be a part from our spouse, but it certainly means that being a part is not the objective. I think there’s a tendency to grow apart when you try to make your lives separate. You should experience life and relationships with others as a couple and not as an individual- That’s what drives you apart. Learn to resolve issues and more quickly, and love more deeply as you dedicate yourself daily to God, and your road ahead should be made smooth. If your advice on marriage and in life does not involve backing it with Scripture as a Christian, then you may want to reconsider it
Hi! I do not see the blog hanging on having separate lives, but as a human being that God created, we shouldn’t lose our separate identities as individual people. We are joined in marriage, as the blog said, but I’d be hard pressed to say it isn’t biblically based to need time for our different interests.
Hey, David,
This blog entry may not be applicable in your experience, you may already have plenty of time being spent not with your spouse. Also, you may be hearing something not being said. Some people work away from home, different shifts, etc., and while they are at work they are also not with their spouse. Yet, work is found in scripture. Some care for aging mother or father, a spouse may stay at home with the children while their other performs the care for the family member, and we know that honoring mother and father is in scripture. A spouse may enjoy hiking since youth, now married, the other is just not physically capable and so one hikes the other doesn’t. Scripture is full of times when people go into the wilderness and without others. So, as you can see, being apart from your spouse is in scripture, you may have not have need to ‘see’ it just yet.
Good Journey;
Your brother in Messiah (and not your spouse – in the event you’re reading this and you are by yourself ;0). )
Muy buena explicación 👍🙏🙏🙏
True stuff I didn’t think like this
Very true!
My wife and I have experienced times apart. When we get back together we have news and ideas to share!
Very realistic article. Totally agree with it, thanks for sharing and addressing this type of content. Sometimes (especially in the cases described in the article) after taking that moment apart from each other, it is a fresh start and new vison to readjust attitudes and affection.
Creo que toda pareja hemos experimentado esas dos formas de vida ; vivir juntos por un buen tiempo por cualquier situación suelen suceder pequeños conflictos y creo que es necesario un espacio además lo creo muy saludable . Y también cuando por cuestiones de cambio de trabajo u otra circunstancia estar lejos o separados por un buen tiempo determinado es saludable porque al reencuentro es muy agradable, yo he experimentado las 2 formas y no lo creo dañino sobre todo cuando es para traer el pan a la mesa .
I believe it is harmful when our spouse’s company gets in the way of our reliance on God. Our identity is established in Jesus Christ, being overly bonded to a spouse could possibly be a symptom of them being or feeding an idol you have put before God. This can then splinter and grow into dysfunction. Our spouses don’t complete us, God does. We are called to pursue oneness with our spouse in love and sacrifice, to show Christ’s love for the church, but not lose our personal relationship with God. since we each have our own different relationship with God and our own gifts and interest, part of the sacrifice of marriage is still allow each person to explore and develop the gifts of how God called them to serve. As we put Him first, seek first His kingdom, I believe He will help balance the amount of time that we should spend together.
I think this article has some valid points as I have seen a couple spend all their time together but then realised they had neglected all their other relationships which they actually needed in their lives to create a supported balanced marriage.