5 Real Tips for Tired Couples

“I’m so tired.”

It can seem like being tired is just part of being an adult. You’ve got things to do, places to be, and only so much time for sleep. Sometimes your season of life dictates whether you’re getting enough of sleep, and it’s hard to change. Other times, you have more control over the situation.

While being tired is a normal part of life for many, the reality is that when you’re both exhausted, neither of you are at your best. You might be irritable, moody, overly sensitive, critical, or defensive. Your communication skills suffer, and you simply don’t have much left in the tank for each other. It goes without saying that this can be detrimental to your marriage over time. Want to avoid damage to your relationship? Grab a cup of coffee and check out these realistic tips.

1. Assess the situation.

If you’re in agreement that tiredness is taking its toll, determine whether you’re able to make any lifestyle changes to better allocate your energy. It may be that you’re simply in an exhausting phase of life, whether it’s due to having young children, demanding jobs or schedules, caring for other family members, etc. However, if you find that you are able to tweak your daily commitments and activities to allow you to get more rest, that’s great. Come up with a plan to make those adjustments together. Perhaps you’ve recognized that a mental health issue is a major reason for your lack of sleep, in which case you might consider seeking support from a trusted professional.

2. Focus on your overall wellbeing.

If the reason for being sleep-deprived is largely unchangeable, then do you best to prioritize your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing in other ways. Try to nourish your body with fresh air, exercise, and a healthy diet. Take time to do things that fill your cup and bring you joy. Spend quality time with your spouse, your family, and friends. Realistically, the circumstances lending to lack of sleep often make it hard to do all of these other things as well, so just do the best you can to take care of yourself.

3. Remember it’s not a competition.

It’s a common dynamic. Your spouse complains about being tired, and you think, “You’re tired? I’m the one that’s really tired!” – or something along these lines. We’re all guilty of this, and here’s the thing – we can all be tired. Some people need more sleep, some can operate on less. Don’t try to keep score of who should be more rested or who was up earlier, etc. If you do, try to not to dwell on it for more than a minute, as this mindset will ultimately lead to resentment. Remember that you’re a team – if one of you is dragging, the other is there to pick them up and vice versa.

4. Give each other grace.

Lack of sleep can make you cranky and short with each other. You might say things you don’t mean, or take things too personally. Let the little things slide. Be understanding of each other. Individually, you can reflect on what you need and work on communicating that to each other. This gives you the opportunity to support each other in the ways you need it most.

5. Stay connected.

Even when you’re both running on empty – or perhaps especially when this is the case – it’s important that you’re staying emotionally connected. You might not have the time or energy for a weekly date night right now, but maybe shoot for a couple times a month. Or carve out half an hour each night to cuddle on the couch and share about your day. You may not have the energy for grand gestures, but staying connected is one of the most important things you can during trying seasons.

“I”m so tired.” These words can be triggering one minute and we can feel them to our core the next. But at the end of the day (no pun intended), being tired is simply a reality for most couples. By being aware of the pitfalls and taking steps to manage them in a healthy way, you can avoid any extra strain on your relationship.