Defensiveness in your relationship can be a vicious cycle. One of you makes a comment. The other person gets defensive and responds critically, causing the other person to get defensive in return. The longer this cycle continues, the harder it is to talk through issues and be open, authentic, and vulnerable with each other. So, how do you break out of this pattern? These are the key things to keep in mind:
1. Work on your self-awareness.
Time to do some self-reflection. It can be uncomfortable, but when you learn more about yourself, your triggers, insecurities, and blind spots, you gain a better understanding of the things that cause you to react defensively. You become more mindful of your emotions rising and your heart rate increasing. You can take steps to calm yourself and respond more rationally. Even if you let a defensive comment bubble out, you can recognize what’s happening take responsibility, and try a different approach. Self-awareness is the foundation when it comes to decreasing your own defensiveness. Read more about that here.
2. Understand it’s a two-way street.
Doing your own work is half of the equation, but for best results, decreasing defensiveness is something you and your spouse work on together. Why? Because it takes both of you to create a sense of emotional safety within your relationship that is conducive to being vulnerable and taking ownership of your respective feelings. In the same way that defensiveness can be a catalyst for negative communication patterns, making each other feel safe, respected, and free of judgment creates a positive reciprocal effect. Dive deeper into why it’s a two-way street here.
3. Get curious.
A big part of why we get defensive is because of how we interpret what our spouse is saying. We might feel our defensiveness is justified because we make negative assumptions about the meaning or intent of their words. Getting curious about what your spouse actually means will help you see things more objectively. When you see things as they truly are, you can react more reasonably to the situation. Explore more about how curiosity benefits your marriage here.
4. Embrace the do-over.
Decreasing defensiveness doesn’t mean eliminating it. In fact, it would be unrealistic to even strive for that – it’s human nature to protect yourself emotionally. So adjust your expectations to allow for the fact that you’re both going to get defensive from time to time. Maybe you’re stressed out, tired, or just having a bad day. Whatever the case, all is not lost – you can correct your course. Don’t be afraid to ask for a do-over. Read more about that here.
5. Choose empathy.
When your spouse gets defensive, you have a choice. You can get snippy yourself – or you can choose empathy instead. The best way to stop the defensiveness cycle in its tracks is to help your spouse feel emotionally safe and understood. If they ask for a do-over, grant it. Help them understand you’re on their team. Check out other ways that empathy transforms your marriage here.
In passing, defensiveness might seem like just a minor bad habit or an occasional tendency. Left unchecked, however, it can prevent you from being able to work through issues, have vulnerable conversations, and resolve conflict in a healthy way. All of these things are vital to growing together, and that’s why learning to break the cycle is so important. Working on these key things will help you get there.
This message came at the perfect time! Thank you!
Same
Are there supposed to be links at the end of each one for us to explore or read more? It seems so. Would love those added.
Hi Amy – There are links, however, we did forget to change the color to be more visible. Should be fixed now! Thanks for bringing this to our attention!
Thank you very much. I have got my lesson
I haven’t been reading these messages, for whatever reason. But I’m happy I decided to read this one. Thank you!
We were just speaking if this yesterday and this is so well written!! Thank you!
However, some good people are stuck in very bad relationships, yes maybe because they were not at a good point when they made a decision to marry that person, but sometimes being with narcissistic or borderline personality partners, they are skilled at putting you on the defensive, and one needs to know how to deal with that, too. I would say this only applies to at least fairly healthy relationships, which, is probably mostly the case, if they’ve signed up for Prepare-Enrich, but not necessarily. Some people may be looking at what to do when they are with a very unreasonable person, and none of the advice here works. Just a thought from the past.
Be sure and click the linked orange words, there is a discussion string where some folks really get into more detail about discussing their issues and perspectives on both sides. I think Prepare-Enrich might want to provide a little more in depth information to help people in those situations find their feet and they need tools to help themselves to look objectively at the problem.
Yo en lo personal e vivido de alguna manera esas situacioes pero gracias a DIOS la hemos superado teniendo en cuenta la paciencia y la comprensión al cónyuge y pedir perdón si es necesario , creo que la humildad se acomoda perfectamente para que exista
armonía en ambazz es partes.