5 Common Assumptions That Cause Conflict in Marriage

“So you made that dinner reservation, right?”
“What? No, I didn’t. I assumed you didn’t want to go because you were complaining about how busy this week was.”
“What?! Why would you think that? You said last week you were going to check availability, so I assumed you got a reservation.”
“Ugh!”

For most couples, this is a very relatable situation. Miscommunications and misunderstandings bubble up due to making assumptions about each other, as demonstrated in the conversation above. We don’t do it intentionally. We’re usually not itching for an argument to pop up at the most inopportune times. In fact, most of the time we probably don’t even realize we’re making assumptions. That’s what makes them so tricky – but not if you know what to watch out for. Here are five common assumptions we make about our spouse that cause conflict in marriage.

1. Assuming what they mean

When we make assumptions about the meaning behind something our spouse says, there’s a chance you could be right. However, there’s also a chance that your perception is off. Why? Often, our own insecurities and emotional triggers cause us to take things personally and get defensive. We assign our own meaning to something they say, essentially putting words in their mouth. Then we respond to those words, instead of what they actually said. This, understandably, leads to misunderstandings and conflict. The key thing to work on is responding in a less reactive way. You might still have assumptions, but being mindful of your emotions and responding with curiosity instead of jumping to conclusions can go a long way in helping you avoid unnecessary fights.

2. Assuming what they’re responsible for

This one often comes up when something doesn’t get done (or gets done redundantly) because one or both of you made assumptions about who was responsible for what. It’s often logistics-based, like who was supposed to pick up the kids or pay that bill. The practical inconvenience along with the personal frustration you feel with each other is a perfect recipe for conflict. The main way to avoid this is by communicating, even (or perhaps especially) when you think something “goes without saying.” Come up with a system for confirming things with each other, or have a discussion if you feel bigger adjustments are needed. Taking the time to do this can save you from many crossed wires.

3. Assuming their preferences

You probably know your spouse’s likes and dislikes pretty well, and vice versa. Whether it’s how they take their coffee, the movie genre they avoid, or their favorite way to spend a Saturday morning, catering to your partner’s preferences – unasked – can be a sweet way to show your love, to an extent. Depending on the situation, it can be good to check with them before making decisions on their behalf. Just like we grow and change as individuals, our preferences can also change. By checking in with them on what they prefer, you leave room for them to evolve and avoid any potential resentment.

4. Assuming their intentions

Your spouse is late – again. They have a tendency to be late, so you made sure to confirm with them when they needed to be home so you could make it to your parents’ anniversary party on time. Your annoyance rises as you watch the minutes go by. You start thinking about how inconsiderate they’re being, or maybe they just don’t want to spend time with your family. Maybe they’re late on purpose for that very reason. Your annoyance begins turning to anger. Just then, your spouse bursts in the door with the cake for the party, saving you a stop – and lots of time. You can’t help but feel sheepish. We’ve all been there. When we assume the worst of our partner’s intentions before we have all the facts, it stirs up our negative emotions. We might be ready to lash out unfairly, causing them to be defensive and kicking off an argument. Instead, strive to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume positive intent.

5. Assuming what they know (or should know)

Sometimes we think our partner is a mindreader. We assume they know what we want or need, and this often results in unmet expectations. Or we think they (should) know something simply because it seems obvious to us, leading to all kinds of mix-ups, misunderstandings, and arguments. By assertively communicating what you need from your spouse, you not only give them a fair chance to meet that need, you also increase your own satisfaction. Similarly, being intentional about communicating important information – and confirming they’ve received it – can help you avoid unnecessary fights.

As humans, it’s in our nature to make assumptions based on the information we have. In the context of relationships, however, it’s important to remember that what we think we know to be true isn’t always so. By checking in with your spouse and communicating even when you don’t think it’s necessary, you can avoid jumping to conclusions and allowing incorrect assumptions to cause conflict in your marriage.