Have you been a good friend to your spouse lately? This might sound like a silly question – you’re married after all. But hear us out: sometimes we forget to give our partner the same consideration and courtesies that we give our friends. Whether it’s a byproduct of seeing each other almost every day or being each other’s “default” person, it’s not uncommon to start skipping over the small kindnesses that normally characterize friendships. While this can be pretty harmless on occasion, falling into this habit continuously can erode the sense of mutual respect, care, and affection between you.
So how can you be a better friend to your spouse? Keep reading.
1. Take a genuine interest.
When you connect with a friend, you usually ask them questions about their life, whether it’s catching up on the big stuff or getting updated on day-to-day happenings. You’re interested in their thoughts and opinions. Maintain this same sense of interest and curiosity in your spouse. Even if you see your spouse every day, you don’t always know everything about their inner world. So ask questions. Be eager to learn more. What did they think of that movie? How’s it going with their new coworker? What made them choose that menu item over their usual? Asking them questions shows you really care about and like them as a person, not just as your spouse.
2. Be thoughtful.
You know that one friend that always blows you away with their thoughtfulness? They surprise you with a gift simply because they saw it and thought of you. They snag a copy of that one book you mentioned wanting to read and drop it at your door with your favorite coffee drink. You feel lucky to have them in your life, or maybe you are that friend! So the question is: do you extend this same kindness to your spouse? If you do, keep it up! If you feel like there’s room for improvement in this department, it’s okay. We can all use an occasional reminder that our spouse deserves the same thoughtfulness we bestow upon our friends – if not more. The problem is that this sometimes gets lost amidst the grind of everyday life and other competing priorities. We wait for a special occasion, or we do something out of a sense of obligation. Instead, consider how you can weave this thoughtfulness throughout your daily life and interactions with your spouse. It’s such a simple thing, yet it’s something that can often fade over time.
3. Listen. No, really listen.
Feeling heard and listened to is fundamental to friendship, and any good relationship, really. Unfortunately, it’s easy to fall into bad listening habits with your partner. Maybe you’re multitasking and not giving your full attention. Your mind is on something else so you pretend you heard what they said. Or you’re looking at your phone and don’t even respond at all! When you’re spending time with a friend, chances are you’re much more attentive. Your spouse deserves this same courtesy. Sure, not everything you talk about is necessarily deep or enthralling, but when they’re sharing their thoughts, feelings, or even just about their day, make an effort to truly hear them. You might find this helps you be more thoughtful and supportive, too!
4. Be their biggest fan.
As president of your spouse’s fan club, would you focus on their negative traits or criticize them for the little things that annoy you? Would you complain about them to your friends and family or stand by idly when they are down on themselves? Or would you be the first to highlight all their great qualities, building them up when they need it? While being generally supportive of your spouse is hopefully a normal part of your marriage, it’s also not unusual to for that enthusiasm to fade over time. Try not to let this happen! Be intentional about letting them know you’re always rooting for them, that you believe in them and have their back.
There’s no denying that nurturing the friendship you have with your spouse strengthens your marriage. But just like any friendship, it takes some intention to keep doing the little things that will sustain this bond over time.
Suttle- well written blog- big impact!
After 45 years of marriage, it can be easy to let up on these habits but just as easy to revive them. Thank you!
Sheila
I’m guilty as charged. I have a few close friends who value my opinion, mainly because I’m a good listener when we are in conversation. But it is hard to be a great listener to my spouse because of the many topics we discuss in a day Now that I read this blog I will try to give Her the same attention I give my closest friends in conversation.
Estoy de acuerdo con el primer comentario es muy fácil abandonar esos primeros abitos que se tomaron cuando iniciábamos la relación…! gracias por esos buenos concejos hay que reiniciar por una sana relación 🙏🙏🙏
This was great to read. Not only a good encouragement for me, but I was also looking for ways to revitalize our marriage ministry at church. This will be a good starter, and maybe get couples to take the assessment as another good step. Thanks for the email!
This’s great! I have a lot from this beautiful piece and I can see I have a lot of improvements to do myself, before attempting to offer any assistance to other.
The fact is, one cannot give what he doesn’t have! After marrying for over 32 years now, I can still some shortcomings in my relationship with my spouse. She equally has similar defects. Therefore, the two of us have to be deliberate and intentional to work towards improving our relationship, which I’ll spearhead as a husband.
I most grateful for this guidance and counseling!
Listening , for sure !! Listening is key to being a better friend overall & better spouse. ! 💯💫