4 Truths About the Holidays as a Couple

The holidays mean different things to everyone. They can even hold different meaning to you from one year or one season to the next. Whether you start counting down the days six months out or you silently dread the festivities, the reality is that the holidays as a couple can be filled with joy – and be a difficult time of year, for a variety of reasons.

Gaining awareness of this duality – and the fact that it’s normal – can help. Here are four truths about experiencing the holidays as a couple.

1. It can be exhausting.

Let’s say you get some extra days off. You have visions of lazy mornings sipping coffee cozy in your pjs and relaxing evenings quietly playing boardgames with your family. You’re sure you’ll start the new year feeling rested and rejuvenated. To your unpleasant surprise, you come out of the holiday break feeling even more physically rundown than you did at the start. Between traveling, hitting up multiple gatherings, indulging in all the holiday treats, keeping kids occupied over their holiday break, you might find yourselves getting even less rest or downtime than even a typical busy week. While some of it can be avoided by setting boundaries on what you commit to, other aspects might just be a reflection of your current season of life. In the end, try not to run yourselves ragged. It’s okay to not do all the things. Focus on what’s best for the wellbeing of you and your family.

2. You might fight.

It seems like it should be a happy and harmonious time of year, but if you and your spouse are arguing more than usual lately, it’s understandable. Even the most easygoing couples might find themselves arguing more than they’d like. Money is an area of contention for many couples. Gifts, travel, and other festivities mean even more opportunities for spending – and conflict. For many, the holidays also mean more time with immediate and extended family. Complicated dynamics and drama often come along for the ride, which can bleed over into your relationship. Or maybe you’re both just overwhelmed and stressed, and it’s making you both short and snippy with each other. The reality is, you might have a few minor squabbles. Just remember you’re on the same team. Focus on communicating well and leaning into empathy when you feel a conflict bubbling up.

3. Things won’t always go as planned.

You could have the most well-thought out itinerary plus a contingency plan, and something could still derail it all. From bad weather upending your travel plans, to food poisoning taking down the whole household, these unforeseen events are part of life. They may range from a major bummer to slight inconvenience when they’re happening, but going with the flow and focusing on the positives is going to be your ticket to navigating any situation that arises. Break free from the expectation of perfection. This year’s mishaps just might become memories you look back on fondly years down the road.

4. Emotions can be all over the place.

The holidays can bring up difficult, conflicting, or unaddressed emotions for many people. You might be excited for your young children to experience the magic of the season, while feeling sad missing a loved one who’s passed. Or maybe you’re still sorting out emotions stemming from past trauma during the holidays, and it puts you on edge. Holding emotions in or attempting to tamp them down has a way of eating at you, so try to be open and talk about it with your spouse. You’ll feel a weight lifted, foster connection, and give them the opportunity to support you the best they can.

The holidays are often romanticized. We go into them with an idealized vision of how things will go, but often end up feeling disappointed when they don’t play out perfectly. Adjusting your expectations to be more in line with the reality and imperfection of life can help you stop dwelling on how things should be, and start enjoying things as they are.