Do you and your partner have very different personalities? Even if you’re not complete opposites, you probably differ in at least a few ways. How do you manage your differences? One of the first steps is learning to accept them instead of trying to change each other. Once you’re able to do that, you can really begin to appreciate your differences. You might take note of how your spouse is able to chat it up with anyone, or maybe you admire how they’re not afraid of change. Once you’re in the mindset of appreciating your differences, you can go a step farther – and learn how to leverage your differences in positive ways. Here are four times personality differences work for you.
Planning something complex
Starting to plan your wedding? An anniversary celebration for your parents? A big home renovation? It can be overwhelming, especially if only one of you takes on the responsibility. Sure, maybe you’re the more natural planner, but think through what needs to be done and see if there are tasks that align with your partner’s traits. For example, if they’re the social extrovert, they might be the perfect person to track down addresses from all of your college friends. Need to get quotes from contractors and compare material costs? The more conscientious partner might be the one for the job. When you split up the work in ways that align with your personality, it lightens the load for both of you.
Parenting
If you’re parents, you face lots of child-related challenges that require you to work as a team. Whether it’s being aligned on discipline or managing their activities and appointments, there are many aspects in which your own personality differences can work in your favor. Are you detail-oriented and organized? Then you might be the one best-suited to keeping track of the family calendar. Do you thrive off meeting new people? Perhaps you’re the parent that usually brings the kids to their play dates. As children grow, you might discover that they respond better to discipline from one of you, simply because of the interplay of their own personality with yours or your spouse’s. Your differences mean you’ll also be able to provide your kids with varying perspectives and ways of problem-solving. You’ll model the art of compromise and appreciating people different than you.
Problem-solving
Throughout your marriage you’ll likely face problems that don’t have straightforward solutions. Sometimes, the best results require you to get creative. Your personality differences can help you think outside the box and see things in a way that you might not have on your own. Plus, you’ll likely come up with more well-rounded remedies and be more likely to examine an issue from all angles. Not only will you get practice in keeping an open mind and being flexible, you might even incorporate your partner’s way of thinking into your own personal problem-solving process.
Personal growth & balance
So far, we’ve focused on ways to lean into your personality differences to leverage your strengths. Sure, it’s smart to take on the tasks and responsibilities that fall within your wheelhouse, but don’t box yourselves in. Your personality differences are a way to help each other stretch outside your respective comfort zones, while also balancing each other out. If you’re a homebody, your adventurous spouse might help you come out of your shell to try new things. If your spouse has a tendency to be deliberative, maybe your go-with-the-flow attitude helps them not overthink things as much (or vice versa).
These are just a few examples of how personality differences can enrich your relationship. It can be easy to get stuck focusing on the seemingly negative aspects, especially when conflict arises. That’s why it’s important to remember that you are a one-of-kind couple. The unique combination of your personalities is a big part of that and learning to make your differences work in your favor is a strength-based mindset that will help you throughout your marriage.
My husband and I are extremely opposite. This helped me to reframe the way I look at our differences. Thank you.
Sometimes my partner and i disagree, but being reminded that disagreements are sometimes helpful, especially in difficult or complex situations, is incredibly uplifting. Thank you
My fiance and i are complete opposites, he is an intravert and i am the extravert. He is a lawyer and CPA retired. I own two companies not retired. We do not have a “WE” relationship. his money, his credit cards, his car, his truck, his house. Rarely leaves the house if so restaurants within a 3 mile radius? I love life, people, travel, challenges and opportunities? What can i do???? Help! we went to counceling that did not work he is very one sided if he does not like what he hears its someone else fault? very defensive takes everything as being an attack?
Run! If this was your child writing this is what you would tell him or her. It only gets harder once you are married.
I would love to see the reply to your message your situation sounds so similar to mine! Married 15 years and still struggling….
Are you sure you want to get married? Things are likely to not change after marriage. This is the time to decide if you are willing to accept your partner exactly as he is with no expectation of change.
I wonder what draws you two together? Has he defined what marriage looks like for you two? What are your expectations? You can’t change someone but be willing to accept them as they are? We hope the other will notice and will want to change, but that depends on what you are willing to accept.
My fiancé and I are opposites but doing a lot of communicating to embrace and respect our differences and focus on what we do share in common.
Marriage does not make things easier, things will be magnified and get harder! By marrying someone who does not take responsibility, you are saying I accept you as you are.
I broke off my engagement and told my fiancé I was in the way of God working in his life. In saying this, I did not blame him I stood with God. I told him he should to figure out what he needs and wants in our relationship. He was dealing with unresolved anger (no mine to own), none verbal with his needs; he wanted to please me and did not take care of himself first. I was feeling suffocated! I took ALL of my things from his house and I left nothing. This way there would no reason to call or go back.
I won’t lie, this was one of the hardest thing I’ve done in my 57 years of living. I was fearful he would become more of a recluse, stay the same and go find someone new. Finding someone new meant he didn’t have to change his behavior or be accountable. I do not have the power to change another persons behavior! I needed to take responsibility for myself and lean into Christ. Today, I celebrate me and see the blessings I have received by not jumping into marriage. God opened my eyes during our time away. I am trusting God more, letting go of my control and listening more.
I am so grateful he took responsibility, he dug in with God, started one on one counseling and explored new ideas about broken relationships, family of origin and woundedness. God revealed a very big wound he had buried for 50 years, wow. While he doesn’t have it all figured out (none of us do, were still on the journey) and he is wanting to grow in understanding and learned how to share his feelings. He has made a huge step for himself and he is trusting in God not just himself. He calls himself a “poser” he wanted everyone to think he was good and he wasn’t. This persona is where he has operated from most of his life, insecurities, performance based and seeking approval, as he says.
We were a part for 2.5 months, that is the best thing we did for our relationship.I believe with new understanding, learning how to communicate and sharer thoughts and dreams out loud, letting go of control, trusting and valuing one another for our differences with respect and adoration; I know with Gods help we have a much better start for a healthy marriage.
Since he has taken this action, I have fallen love with him more. We are back together and starting premarital counseling. Thats how I on this site.
I had to take my eyes off him and look at myself. I invited God in and asked him to show me what needed to be change and show me where I need to grow. Take all the time you need cause your worth it.