Licking your elbow. Herding cats. Nailing jello to the wall. All things that could be considered a waste of time and effort. Let’s add changing your spouse’s personality to that list.
Here’s the thing: your personality doesn’t really change. It tends to stay stable over time, which makes sense. It’s what makes you you. Sure, certain facets might modulate slightly as you pass from adolescence into adulthood or as you gain more life experience and perspective, but by and large – personality stays the same.
Most of us know this, logically. But we’re human, and we inevitably find ourselves wishing our partner was a little less this or a little more that. We get annoyed and frustrated. We wish they’d think or do things differently. However, when you shift to a mindset of acceptance, some really positive things happen in your relationship.
You appreciate each other more.
When you divert your energy away from attempting to change aspects of your partner’s personality, you have more available to notice, (re)discover, and appreciate their many positives. There’s a reason that you fell in love with them in the first place, right? Putting those rose-colored glasses back on helps reset your perspective. Instead of seeing a need to be the life of the party, you notice how they help everyone have fun and feel at ease. Instead of focusing on how they seem to run on their own time, you take in how they are always present in the moment. Feeling and expressing this appreciation kicks off a cyclical response that emanates throughout your interactions.
You learn to leverage your differences.
When you stop seeing each other’s traits as a challenge to overcome and instead as a way to be stronger together, you can make beneficial adjustments in other areas of your relationship. Maybe you adjust your roles and responsibilities to better suit your strengths. Perhaps you tackle a new project that you weren’t sure how to approach, or you’re able to work together as parents in a way you never did before. Ultimately, working with your differences can help you become a more confident, capable, and harmonious couple.
Your satisfaction gets a boost.
The desire to change aspects of your spouse’s personality is rooted in an expectation that they should or shouldn’t be a certain way. When we feel like our partner isn’t living up to those expectations, it can cause conflict and resentment. It stands to reason then, that letting go of those expectations (or adjusting them to be more realistic) will help you be less critical of each other, cut down on unnecessary fighting, and feel more satisfied in your relationship overall.
You grow together.
When you stop focusing on each other’s perceived flaws, it feels like a weight lifted. Think about it: when you feel judged or criticized, you go into defensive mode. When you feel wholly accepted and appreciated, you’re more apt to be vulnerable with each other about your own inner struggles. Being able to talk to and support each other in this self-reflection is game-changer when it comes to experiencing personal growth throughout your relationship.
Most of us don’t go into marriage thinking “I do” will be the magic words that make annoying traits disappear. For the most part, we love and accept our spouse for who they are. Over time, though, certain characteristics can lose a bit of their shine. We start focusing on the parts of our spouse’s personality that rub us the wrong way. We think the solution might be in how they can change, when really, the answer lies in ourselves: no longer putting energy into trying to change each other and instead leaning into acceptance and appreciation.
Some reasons why we are misunderstanding each other
1. We are culturally different, so the things that are important to me is not to him
2. Married for twenty years and have only one thing in common, (Our faith in Christ)
3. Married 20 years and just Monday of this week I still remind him to put out the trash
4. I saw a sign on our first date but ignored it, so now am dealing with it 20 years later.
I understand what you are saying about being culturally different. I run into that in my own marriage.
I think asking husband’s to take out the trash is a problem in most marriages. It made me laugh knowing that you too have this problem. Maybe, I struggle with asking for what I need.
Sorry you wives are dealing with that! Husband here and I’m the neat freak in my marriage so I always take out the trash. I kind of enjoy it actually.
Taking out the trash, for me, has never been a problem. I grew up with seven sibilings (five boys and three girls). We each had a chore for a week and trash was a male chore. I am program to take out trash. Not a problem.
No judgement, but if your husbands are so bad at remembering to take out the trash, maybe they don’t like doing it and you can trade them that task for something they would prefer (and remember!). Maybe he would enjoy making dinner instead? I know I would gladly trade those roles for an evening as I get tired of cooking every day. Or maybe they just need to set an alarm on their cellphone for every evening the night before trash day so you don’t have to remind them.
Sounds like you may mean towards what this article is saying to try and not do. Don’t worry I’m guilty of this also.
My husband takes the garbage out but there are other things that he doesn’t do. Fact is, there WILL always be something. In the beginning of the relationship we only see the good. As time goes on we can get till we only see the bad and the good is faded to us. If we are stuck there, there is only one result from it and that is the loss of love until there is nothing left. Someone once gave me the example; that if someone asked me for a pen and I took it out of my pocket and handed it to them but never released it, they would never be able to write with it. It works the same way with releasing our husbands to God. My husband had major issues with anger. There were other things of course but that was the main one. Some would have suggested that I leave but I never did. He never hit me but things got smashed many times and pop cans wailed by my head on more than a few occasions. I don’t know if he missed on purpose or if it was God’s protection. I took to fasting and prayer many times and God , over a period of many years, has changed him. I never went to God to change my husband, only to release him, and to change me. He changed us both. When God did the final change of my husband’s temper He actually put him in charge of teaching an Anger Management class at the boys home that he was working at. Is God good or what?! You need to get into the word and ask for God to give you HIS perspective of your husband. Is my husband perfect now? Of course not and he never will be. And right now I’m frustrated with him because he blew off church to watch the Superbowl. And it didn’t even start for several hours! I will never have to stop praying for him or for our marriage. He has some good points and I love him for those ones. A good place to start might be to sit down with God and ask Him to show you all of the good things about your husband and make a list. Then every morning thank God for those. You won’t feel any different at first but ask God to change your heart and enable you to love him unconditionally the same way that God loves you. After all , we all have our faults.
You may need to reread the article. Sounds like you might be still trying to change him.
Do you think there is a distinction to be made between personality that might be viewed as our original hardwiring and character which is not so much given but developed?
Hi Guy. I tend to think personality is the veneer we create and present to the wider world, and temperament is the hard wiring. Personality tends to be saved for “ out there” and partners get a more unabridged version!
Hard wiring happens through genetics and there’s a fabulous Australian research paper called “The First 1000 Days” that suggested wiring continues into those days and DNA is still forming. So the implicit areas of our memory ( pre approx 2yrs) embed but we have no clear conscious understandinghow those first tender years affect us.
We can change this wiring, it happens over time with repetition, revelation and wisdom however many people will never front up to the challenge. Aside from miracles, the process is believed to take about 2 years. So people can change.
I agree with the points of this article and think they can lead to more harmonious marriages. The only thing that gives me pause is when I think of some practical examples. I’ve been watching a lot of the show “Hoarders” lately, and if my spouse was a “hoarder” I’d have a hard time just accepting that was their personality and not attempting to “change” them. Same if they were an alcoholic or abusive. But maybe the distinction is those are not personality traits but illnesses?
and that’s my battle. What happens when your spouse demonstrates signs of being a hoarder and as of to as insult to injury shows total regard taking care of things that are costly. Those are things that are difficult to just ignore
Those are not personality, they are coping mechanisms for deep hurts and wounds from childhood.
Yes Jeff. Acceptance and change are not mutually exclusive. You can accept someone where they are and still work toward change. And when we are talking about personality traits that don’t harm another person that is different than behavior that has a major impact on another person’s safety and wellbeing.
What about things that have a serious detrimental impact, such as not opening the mail to pay the bills, not brushing teeth for weeks on end, not taking showers for weeks on end? What do you do about something like that, where there are detrimental impacts to the other partner, who also doesn’t want to become that person’s parent in the bargain?
To Jeff’s earlier point, I believe all those will fall under a mental health illness…like Depression or even anxiety (more specifically to the person who does not want to open mail to pay bills, but still could be Depression). I would recommend getting help for that person by way of a psychiatrist ad or therapist. Some severe cases may warrant inpatient psychiatric treatment or intensive outpatient care. It will be an extraordinary challenge for a spouse to support their partner through this, but it is doable. Best wishes.
This sounds like serious depression and this person may need therapy and/or medication. Not opening mail can be due to procrastination or stress, but not showering and brushing teeth indicates something much deeper.
I love the focus on the outcome of what happens when I stop focusing on changing my partner. I’ve known how hard it is for me to change myself of whom I have control so even harder to change my partner over whom I have no control. Knowing possible outcomes of focusing on changing myself and not my partner gives me genuine motivation for personal growth and results.
Some of these problems mentioned in the comments are serious. I wonder if the couples ever tried Christian marital counseling? They may have, but it came to mind as I read the comments.
Not everyone is Christian.
Should we accept sin, certainly not. Having the ability to discern things that bug me from true sin sounds important.
i don’t feel as though he wants to grow in relationship. I feel he wants to demand and receive. I want a conversation where we are both heard. Does anyone have any advice for a wife who is constantly called un-submissive and contentious? I’m at the end of hope. We’ve been married 39 years and still that is his reason for our struggles.
Those who hope in the Lord, God renew their strength. Don’t give up now, you have come too far to give up. God didn’t bring you this far to leave you this far. Pray for your husband. There’s power in prayer
Is drinking too much a personality trait or is it a character “flaw” developed over time. I’m very tired of it. however, I have not left him and even though I said I would if he continues to drink, I haven’t. So my personality needs to change too. I keep HOPING and WISHING that he’ll stop.
Pray for him, God is able to do exceedingly abundantly more than we could ask or think
Interesting bits of wisdom here. It was once said to me upon having a constant compliant of my spouse in a particular area of life…….”what if they never change, will you continue to complain?” I realized that was more for me to resolve within my own acceptance of the issue, than my spouse. So my honest answer was no…this was acceptance. Acceptance of their stable position. Next, will I live with or without it. I said yes, I chose to stay. However, I found it necessary to share my position, my full findings with my spouse: the complaint, the acceptance, the stay and the unconscious consequence. Why? Because though I wasn’t sure what the consequences would be, I knew their would be one: unintentional, undeveloped, unplanned.
We all had our personalities change when we became believers. Gentle persuasions caused us to adjust our mindset. Married for 39 plus years we don’t try to change each other rather see how we can complement each other. Always having the mindset to please the Lord in everything changes what I say/ how I respond and what I think of others – always looking for the best in others ( not changing them but encouraging good habits) willingness to be corrected makes us better as we focus on godly characteristics in ourselves and others.
This is not an “end all” list, but a good start. Remember it takes time for any of us to change, even when we know we should change.
Everyday plan to do better then yesterday. Write down Your goals in reward Yourself when You reach them.Focus on Your Own Temple, be the best You-You can be. Be honest with Yourself be honest with Others. Become the Good Person You think You Deserve by Your side. Stay Positive and look for the Good in Others. Spread Love, Love is what We Need.
To those dealing with alcohol or substance abuse issues I recommend finding an Al-Anon support group. With the guidance of this group and the 12 steps, I am able to take better care of myself, set boundaries and live a happier life. You may need to visit a few groups to find one that fits for you but it is well worth it.