Compromise can sometimes get a bad rap. In some contexts it can mean neither side is really getting what they want. In others it can mean settling for less than the ideal. But in the context of relationships, compromise is crucial. When done well, it can be a productive tool to rely on when you and your partner are dealing with disagreement. Here are some essentials for a winning compromise:
Communicate openly and honestly about your needs.
This is where those fundamental skills of assertiveness and active listening really come into play. Think of this as the time to put all your cards on the table so that you know what you’re working with. Some people will struggle with being direct about their needs, but it’s crucial to share them with your partner in the early stages of reaching a compromise. If you don’t, you risk feeling resentment when your side isn’t taken into consideration as you try to reach a solution. Resist the urge to interrupt while your partner is sharing. Focus on really understanding where they’re coming from instead of a rebuttal.
Consider what’s most important to each of you.
Among your list of needs, you’ll likely have some that take priority over others. The must-haves versus the nice-to-haves. And they probably aren’t the same as your partner’s or you wouldn’t be trying to compromise in the first place. Here’s where you’ll both need to decide what your non-negotiables are and what you can live without. An overlooked, yet essential component of this having the emotional maturity to truly be okay with letting some things go. If you’re harboring some residual bitterness or resentment about it, you might need to reassess your core needs, or at the very least, share and discuss with your spouse.
Lean into curiosity.
Working towards a compromise creates a great opportunity to learn more about each other. As you’re each sharing your needs and the perspectives and feelings associated with them, you’ll gain a deeper understanding of each other. You might learn new things about each other’s values, goals, and priorities, which despite being really important topics, don’t always come up in everyday conversations. Gaining newfound alignment around these things can lead to better understanding during future disagreements, which helps your relationship grow.
Adjust your mindset.
Compromising with your spouse isn’t about going head to head at the bargaining table. Instead, think of it as sitting side by side, drawing up the best game plan on a whiteboard in front of you. You’re working as a team to come up with the best solution for your relationship. Sure, you might make individual concessions, but you are gaining so much more as a couple.
The title of this post might seem misleading because the goal of compromise isn’t winning. It’s not about getting a little more than your partner or giving up a little less. A winning compromise is one where you both walk away feeling understood and respected. It’s one where you’re both invested in making sure your partner feels that their perspective, priorities, and values matter.
Want to further explore how you deal with conflict in your relationship? Our Discussion Guide for Couples is a great way to start having meaningful conversations about conflict and 13 other crucial relationship topics. Learn more >>
Excellent points. Compromise is the key to healthy relationships – period! One must be willing to give up one’s own will, while also being clear about what one needs to stay healthy, centered and grounded.
“A winning compromise is one where you both walk away feeling understood and respected. It’s one where you’re both invested in making sure your partner feels that their perspective, priorities, and values matter.”
A blog is so limited but the above statement, while it is the basis of relationship relating, it is not defining compromise. Compromise in this brief article does not seem to be the point of the article. Try this wording: A winning compromise ends where you both walk away …
The compromise itself should be both persons setting aside their own expectations while relating their needs, wants and desires. Focusing on hearing each other intently describing what they are thinking. Then come together with that blank board to create the best path together.
Great points. It’s helped our relationship
This is a great article!! We’ll definitely be keeping this in mind!
Be careful that gridlock and stalemate don’t masquerade as compromise. My mother and stepfather couldn’t agree on how to remodel their bathroom, so they “compromised” by not changing it at all… for so many years the paint peeled, fixtures cracked, and mold covered a larger portion of the walls each tie I visited their home. My stepfather died after about 20 years, and my mother finally remodeled the bathroom. It looked great and we both thought he would have liked it. If only they had really compromised, or at least one of them had let the other have his or her way, two decades earlier.