Do you and your spouse make resolutions or set goals as a couple? Do you use January 1st as the starting line for improving your marriage? Or is it just another day on the calendar? The truth is, there’s no correct answer. Regardless of your feelings about making New Year’s resolutions, we’re sharing some essential tips to help guide your mindset about marriage this year.
Halt the comparison game.
We know we shouldn’t do it, but it can be just so darn hard to avoid completely. If you’re not careful, comparison can creep into all aspects of your life and become toxic. Maybe it’s feeling like your house or car isn’t as nice as your friends’. Perhaps you feel “behind” all your peers when it comes to major life milestones. Or maybe it seems like marriage is so easy for other couples – how do they have it all figured out? Here’s the thing: they probably don’t. Every couple has their own unique struggles and successes. Every couple is on their own unique path. There is no “correct” one that you should be taking, so try not to invest energy into worrying about whether you measure up.
Be specific.
This one probably sounds a bit odd, but when it comes to improving your marriage, it can actually be applied to several different scenarios. For one, if you and your spouse did set goals or make a resolution for the new year, being specific is going to help you be successful. Instead of simply resolving to go on more dates, you might agree to go on two dates per month. By giving yourselves a specific number and timeframe to aim for, you’re able to easily see whether you’re meeting your goal. This not only gives you momentum and confidence to keep going, it also makes it easier to adjust things if you need to.
Being specific is also beneficial when working through a conflict, bringing up an issue with your spouse, or communicating in general. It’s easy for the conversation to get derailed when you start throwing around generalizations such as, “You always…” or “You never…” Instead, stay focused on the present and the behavior/action instead of attacking the character of your spouse. When communicating, being specific, clear, and assertive helps you avoid assumptions and misunderstandings.
Be mindful of expectations.
Expectations have a powerful influence on how you experience your relationship. If you’re finding yourselves consistently unhappy with certain areas or circumstances in your marriage, consider examining your own expectations and how they align with your spouse’s. Increasing your awareness of your expectations overall provides a powerful shift in perspective. You might find that making adjustments to them provides a noticeable boost in your relationship satisfaction.
Focus on yourself.
This might sound a bit counterintuitive, as a good chunk of marriage is about putting your spouse first and loving them selflessly. However, a major component of making your marriage the best it can be is that you both bring the best versions of your individual selves to the equation as well. When you take time to do the inward-looking work, you become more self-aware and in tune with your triggers, insecurities, needs, and desires. Understanding yourself better equips you to work through issues without getting defensive, which is a game changer when it comes to resolving conflict and growing together. It also helps you discover what kind of self-care recharges you so that you have more to give in your marriage.
Whether you make resolutions for the new year or not, hopefully these tips help foster a positive perspective on your marriage throughout the year.
Great advice to relate to couples who are struggling with their marriage. As a facilitator, I will definitely share the knowledge.
As a pastor i would live to pass on these tips to my congregation. What are the steps i need to take to do that? Any particular permission i need to request?
No official permission required – but you can share where you got the information from our blog or pass on the URL if you feel inclined. Thanks for checking!
I’m 70 years old and newly remarried. All is well now and we know we are still transitioning. Having these suggestions and tips is going to be helpful as we move in to our first full year together. I especially like the inclusion of self care. I’ve worked on that for myself for a long time, which I think is why I’ve even been able to “take the plunge” into marriage !!!
“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.”
Very good tips/information to grow ourselves and marriage. As I work with couples as a facilitator these tips can open up conversation to keep things in a healthy perspective.