Some say that life is made up of all of the ordinary moments and ho-hum days, the run-of-the-mill, mundane stuff that comprises our day to day. The peaks and valleys tend to get a lot of attention, but the majority of time is spent in the middle. It makes sense then, that these are the times that most often test your relationship in small ways, and usually when you least expect it. Here are three ordinary situations that can catch your relationship off guard:
When you get sick
If one of you goes down with a bug, it might disrupt the flow of your household a bit. The other partner will need to pick up some of the slack. If both of you get sick, chances are you’ll need to go into survival mode for a few days, depending on your responsibilities, whether you have children, etc. And let’s just call it like it is, getting sick nowadays can mean much more stress and inconvenience than it used to. When you’re feeling tired and under the weather, you may not be at your best – maybe you’re short with each other, not communicating well, or blowing up over the smallest things. You’ll need to push through the haze of congestion, cough drops, and crabbiness to show each other extra empathy and understanding. Teamwork will be key (especially if you’ve got little ones to wrangle), as well as extra effort in communicating your needs and how you can help each other.
When you have a big, unexpected expense
There are some big purchases that are fun and exciting – these are not it. These are the kind that are unexpected, inconvenient, and stressful. We’re talking a furnace that goes out in January (in Minnesota), a big-mess plumbing emergency, or a costly-yet-essential car repair. Even if you’ve saved plenty for situations such as this, you and your spouse are going to be feeling less than thrilled, and you may end up taking it out on each other. Take a minute to acknowledge both of your feelings – maybe it’s anger, frustration, or simply feeling overwhelmed. Focus on the situation at hand, and try to avoid blaming each other. Then, get down to brass tacks and logistics, leveraging your individual strengths and what makes most sense with your current responsibilities. Make a task list if it would help you get organized. It’s not necessarily the most fun part of adulting together, but it can be rewarding when you manage to get through it. Plus, you might also learn something in the process!
When childcare falls through
Whether it’s a last minute cancellation from the babysitter on date night or your daycare is closed unexpectedly for a week, having the kids at home when you didn’t plan on it throws a wrench in everything. You’re trying to prioritize your couple relationship, but you’re met with disappointment. Depending on the flexibility of your jobs, one of you may need to take unpaid days off, use up valuable vacation time, or you may have to scramble to find someone to watch the kids. It can be stressful to say the least. Not only that, but it can also bring up feelings of role imbalance or inadequacy in how you’re fulfilling them. The important thing here, as with most of these situations, is to keep communication lines open. Give each other space to share and validate tough feelings. Sometimes there’s simply not a lot that can be changed about the situation, but knowing your partner understands how you feel and vice versa can mean a lot. Consider ways you can practice flexibility in your relationship and make adjustments for future events.
These situations are as ordinary as they come, and in most instances, you’re probably able to take them in stride. Under the right conditions, however, they can create tension in your relationship, highlighting areas you need to work on and pushing you to lean on your relationship skills. You can’t avoid these situations, but you can set yourselves up to learn and grow from them, or at the very least, not let them have a negative impact on your bond.
Some marriages could only hope these are the only things they have to deal with. Long term or chronic illness is by far more challenging to a marriage than a stomach bug or cold. If a marriage is interrupted by these ordinary things, how would it stand through the out of the ordinary that won’t go away in a week or two?
I’ve gone through the strain of stage 4 cancer with my husband, and I had a traumatic brain injury’. So I get long term illnesses and the stress on marriages. For some, it breaks it. For others it actually deepens and strengthens the marriage. Suffering is long and hard. I’m sorry for your challenges. This sounds trite- but I do encourage you to turn to Jesus through it. He can help.
Grace, I see you were up very early typing this, so I assume you’re dealing with something like this either at home or someone you’re close to. I’ve only dealt with this in relation to aging grandparents and parents with cancer. All I can tell you is to put your whole self into prayer and sincerely ask God for His patience, comfort, and wisdom in dealing with this.
This is where friends, extended family, faith families and communities come in to help with respite, meals and hugs. If this is a long term situation, see if there are organizations that provide long-term respite and support.
Grace,
You’re right, long term or chronic illness is by far a much more and significant issue. I witnessed my mother deal with my father’s health insurance issues over a 15 year period. It wasn’t easy for her and at times she was at her breaking point, but we tried to support her as a family and friends. However, at the end of the day, she fought through the tough times with the strength of God to support her during the tough and lonely nights. I’ve asked her how she got through the tough times…. She told me that a marriage is never going to be perfect and part of being married is making the commitment to love your spouse even in sickness. She reminded me that life is a journey and not always a fun one. Sometimes there are tough days, weeks, or months to work through, but at the end they both had a deeper love and appreciation for each other. I remember these words when I run into the big car or house repair or other relationship events that can build up over time and cause frustration. And yes, I have seen friends lose their relationship to a series of smaller issues…. Death by a thousand cuts.
one thing can help you is to accept what you pass through and the situation you have that time every thing will walk good .
Thank you all for your encouragement and wisdom on how to deal with difficult situations.
I work at a local hospital and deal with some covid-19 patients. My husband is concerned that I might bring it home. Is there a good way that I could write a letter asking my doctor 2 give me an excuse not to care for the covid-19 patients. My husband is much older than I and could be more vulnerable to it.