3 Leaves to Turn Over in Your Marriage

The trend of “new year, new me” seems to have come and gone. Why do we need to become a completely different person, after all? It’s a valid question. The idea doesn’t do much for your self-confidence, and honestly, can you really change the true essence of who you are? It’s unlikely.

What we really mean by “new me” is we want to improve our behaviors or actions in some way. In other words, we want to turn over a new leaf.
When it comes to your relationship with your spouse, this distinction holds true. Trying to change who your spouse is as a person is an exercise in futility. Instead you can both work on improving the way you act, behave, and respond within your marriage. And when you can get specific about those actions, they become much more executable – and lead to positive change in the dynamics of your relationship.

So you want to be a better spouse – okay, great! Well, where do you start? One way to think about it is to think of actions you want to do instead of something else. With that in mind, here are some specific “leaves” you can turn over to spark a positive shift in your marriage:

Instead of waiting for an apology, I’ll initiate it first.

Imagine you just had an argument with your spouse, ending with both of you storming off. Maybe you’re feeling angry, upset, or hurt. You need some time to process and calm down. While you’re both distant toward each other for a period of time after, eventually you’re ready to make up. But you can’t help replaying the argument in your mind, and feeling justified in thinking they should say they’re sorry first! If you both feel this way, you can see how your fights might last much longer than they should, which is potentially damaging to your relationship. Instead of going this route, make an effort to initiate repair first. It’s not easy – your pride wants to hold you back. But when you can examine your own contribution to the conflict and take responsibility for it in the form of an apology, it creates a bridge across that distance between you – and it will get easier the more you do it.

Instead of being afraid to voice my needs, I’ll speak up.

It seems simple enough, but being assertive doesn’t come easily to everyone. However, being able to ask for what you need in your relationship is crucial, as it gives your spouse an opportunity to meet those needs – instead of making them guess or assume. Sometimes we might hold back from asking for what we need or sharing how we truly feel for fear of our partner’s reaction. Will they be hurt? Angry? Annoyed? Judgmental? The thing is, when we aren’t assertive, we aren’t giving our partner a fair chance to step up to the plate. It is scary to put yourself out there in a vulnerable way, but giving them the chance to meet you there creates an amazing opportunity to grow closer as a couple. So next time you’re hesitant to tell your spouse what you need from them – maybe they said something that hurt your feelings or you wish they showed more affection – work on letting them know in a calm and respectful way. Similar to initiating an apology, it gets easier the more you do it – and it can help you both feel more comfortable and confident in voicing your needs if that’s something you struggle with.

Instead of avoiding conflict, I’ll address the issue.

Most people don’t like fighting with their spouse. Emotions can run high, and it’s hard to own up to your own faults and triggers. As a result, you might try to avoid conflict. You sidestep bringing up certain issues, even if deep down you know you should address them. Sweeping issues under the rug might work in the short-term, but over time it has a tendency to create distance and resentment between you. It’s uncomfortable, but learning to take the leap into addressing issues – and no longer being afraid of conflict – strengthens your relationship and helps you grow. Learn to be patient with each other and understand that some conflicts are not solved in one conversation. When you can both commit to working on them together (and doing the necessary self-reflective work as well), you’ll find you’re more comfortable with conflict. And you’ll gain the confidence to take on even more.

Changing every aspect of your marriage for the better isn’t realistic – or typically even necessary. A more productive way of thinking is focusing on specific, actionable ways to change your behaviors. Instead of trying to plant a whole new tree, focus on just a few leaves.