3 Hurdles to Asking for Help (& How to Reframe Them)

An extra set of hands around the house. Physical assistance during recovery from an illness or injury. Emotional support when feeling overwhelmed or dealing with grief. Financial assistance during tough times. Everyone needs help now and then, but it’s not always easy to ask for it. Do you struggle with this? Within your marriage, do you and your spouse ask each other for help?

If this is an area you could use some help with (no pun intended), then you’ve come to the right place. Keep reading as we explore some of the reasons it can be difficult asking each other for help – and how to reframe those hurdles to benefit your relationship and help you grow.

The hurdle: You feel like you failed.

Sometimes asking for help means you may have bitten off a little more than you can chew. Maybe you are trying to balance too many roles and obligations or you are struggling mentally after a big life change. You might feel like you’ve failed at what you set out to do or are in the process of doing so. Your pride and confidence take a hit, and it can even bring about embarrassment or shame. You might not want your spouse to see you in this light, making it even more difficult to ask for help.

The reframe: Asking for help is an opportunity to practice vulnerability.

It takes courage to ask for help. It takes that same kind of courage to show vulnerability, even with your spouse. But allowing yourselves to let down your guard with each other means you’re able to connect on a deeper level, which is crucial for true intimacy and connection. When you’re vulnerable with each other, defensiveness decreases and the quality of your overall communication gets a major boost.

The hurdle: You fear giving up control.

Your motto is “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.” Asking for help goes against this, and if you like to be in control, this can be especially difficult. With this mindset, the thought of things getting done in a way other than your own is enough to deter you from asking for help when you need it, even when you know you’re underwater and unable to shoulder it all on own.

The reframe: Asking for help builds trust.

Letting your spouse take the wheel can feel like a leap of faith, but it’s a leap that has great rewards for your relationship. As you know, trust isn’t created out of thin air. You can’t will it or rush it into existence. You have to build it over time. Giving up your sense of control and letting your spouse support you cultivates an invaluable sense of trust that goes both ways. As you demonstrate your trust in them, they feel more inclined to put their trust in you and ask for help when they need it.

The hurdle: You’re fiercely independent.

You don’t like relying on others too much, even your spouse. Perhaps you’ve always been someone who prefers to do things on your own, or you’re known for having a headstrong personality. You strongly value self-sufficiency and autonomy, and asking for help might make you feel dependent, weak, or constrained. If there’s a way to do it yourself, you’re determined to find it.

The reframe: Asking for help promotes balance and teamwork.

One key ingredient of a successful team is that members have each other’s back. However, they’re not always doing all the things – they may play a supporting role at times while others take the lead, and vice versa. In your relationship, being able to ask each other for help is one way to solidify this team mentality. There will be times when one of you needs help, and the other person is there to back them up. There are times when it’s great to be independent, and there are times when working as a team is the answer. It’s all about balance. If you have kids, this also sets a great example and models a healthy relationship dynamic.

Asking for help isn’t easy for everyone. You might face mental and emotional hurdles that prevent you from asking your spouse for help when you need it most. By learning to reframe these hurdles in ways that help your relationship grow, you can begin to understand and experience the positives of asking for help instead of struggling alone when you don’t have to.