When you think about the various roles you fill in life, what comes to mind? There are the familial roles (husband, wife, mother, father, etc.), roles related to your job or livelihood, maybe even important roles in your community. But what about roles within your relationship? When it comes to who’s responsible for which household chores, handles the finances, or wrangles the kids’ schedules, things are not always so clear cut. Because of this, it’s common to have conflicts or tension pop up. Here are three common role challenges and how you can solve them together.
Challenge #1: Lack of clarity around roles
When there is ambiguity about who is responsible for what, it might feel like your household is disorganized or that nothing gets done. Bills might go past due, you’re always running out of milk, and there’s lots of “I thought you were going to do it.” This can leave you both simmering in frustration and irritation, and you may end up taking it out on each other.
How to solve it together: Have a good old sit down conversation where you make a list of all the things that need to get done, or focus specifically on the areas where there is fuzziness. Then decide who is better suited to take on each role – it might be based on your individual strengths or interests, or simply what makes the most sense logistically. Write it down if you need to! Make notes about exceptions or unique circumstances if you find that to be helpful. It might seem like overkill to have to lay things out so explicitly, but in this case that’s exactly what you need, as it will cut down on any confusion or misunderstanding about who’s responsible for what and give you a way to hold yourselves and each other accountable.
Challenge #2: Feeling shame or resentment
Your roles are clear cut, but one or both of your are harboring negative feelings about them. Maybe you’re struggling because you feel you should be spending more time with your kids or contributing more financially. Perhaps you’re experiencing discontent because you feel like you’re doing more than your fair share. If left to fester, these feelings can drive a wedge between you.
How to solve it together: When feelings are involved, it can be a more complicated problem to solve. Have a candid heart-to-heart where you focus on sharing your own feelings with your partner, not placing blame on them. When listening, focus on really hearing what your partner is saying and the emotions behind that, versus taking it personally or getting defensive. Be empathetic with each other as you discuss what you can do to mitigate or help each other through these feelings. It might be concrete things like adjusting responsibilities or reassessing the chore load; it could be subtle changes such as showing more appreciation or support. Sometimes, there might not be an easy or obvious solution, and that’s okay. The habit of sharing these feelings, staying connected, and supporting each other as you work through them becomes a solution in and of itself.
Challenge #3: Forcing roles to fit
You and your spouse have both taken on the roles you think you should be taking, but it doesn’t feel quite right. Maybe you feel pressured to do things a certain way because that’s how your own parents did it, or your friends say this way works for them. Society and our own expectations have a way of putting undue pressure on ourselves to fulfill these “accepted” roles. Forcing yourselves into them has you both feeling out of your element.
How to solve it together: The truth is, every individual – and couple – is unique, and that means the breakdown of your roles and responsibilities will reflect that as well. Embrace it, don’t fight it! Be honest with yourselves and each other if it’s clear something’s not working. Give yourselves permission to tackle responsibilities unconventionally. Put your heads together to come up with some creative solutions if necessary, and check in periodically to see how things are going.
Sometimes relationship roles sort themselves out naturally. Things just seem to click into place, and you don’t really have to think about it too much. Other times, it requires a bit more intention to ensure you’re both feeling content and in positions to be your best selves in the relationship. These challenges are common, but nothing you can’t solve with empathy and good communication.
Good reading! Now to do it!
This issue is çommon for us.
This article and these types of articles are interesting to me because of the basic assumption involved. How many couples, especially those looking for answers to what they struggle with, are able to calmly sit and listen to each other voice a problem and hash it out respectfully? I’ve been married for 10 years, and I can’t remember a single time my husband was able or willing to do that. If someone is willing to sit and read this and then go and apply it, they likely do not need this article to begin with. I don’t think anyone in my life has ever cared for me enough to do what is mentioned above, Christian or no, save my mother, and she couldn’t for lack of time and energy. I appreciate the thought, but I think this comes off a bit weak-handed. Not meaning to hurt any feelings, honestly; I believe you meant this sincerely, and maybe you care for each other well enough to do this, but I can’t say I know anyone personally who would do this for their partner.
So I am a relationship counselor. I think this was a good article to point out to people why they may be frustrated with feeling there is imbalance in their roles and responsibilities in their relationship. I believe there are some couples that need to hear, simply, that they have permission to discuss and adjust the expectations in their relationship. For other couples, they may find it difficult to have those candid conversations and need to develop more effective communication skills. Yet for others, they can continue their lives, cope with the imbalance, and still be satisfied in their relationship. As the article stated, each couple is different in how they deal with roles and expectations.
Hi Kayla, you mentioned your a relationship counselor, can I ask how much you charge?? Or if your excepting new patients ..
Honestly, if you think this is impossible or you have never seen it in your lifetime, then a therapeutic intervention is needed. The suggestions in this article is exactly how two people who care about, trust, and love each other should be able to interact. If not, then each of those people may need help in self regulation or therapy in general to be able to achieve this. What is described in this article is what a healthy marriage or relationship looks like.
Agreed. We have been married for almost 20 years and we have been practicing this sharing roles and communication in similar ways.
All the best.
It saddens me to read your response. But, I thank you for sharing your truth.
I never witnessed my parents, or any other couple doing these things above, but my husband and I do this, or would be able to rather easily. I think it’s about the choice to do this. The care and concern. We both are pretty empathetic and care deeply about how they other person feels. We also have very few examples of what successful marriages look like, so we set our own rules.
I wonder if couples counseling would help for you and your husband. If you said it meant that much to you, would he do it? With virtual sessions and evening/weekend availability, it’s more convenient than ever. Then you could have a professional help guide you two through the steps above.
I really do hope something shifts for your situation where you can know that what’s suggested in this article can absolutely be realistic.
I felt your love and care like Christ by reading g your comment. I really like it.
Blessings and respectfully!
This makes me very sad for and your other that can’t imagine sitting and talking and planning together. We can’t imagine not sharing these times. We look forward to our coffee and conversations. We’ve been married for 53 years. I pray that you give it a try even if you think it is impossible.
Have you heard of the Empowered Wife? By Laura Doyle? She has a podcast too. The book you can listen on library ap. It’s not what you think by the title…. You’ll see … it’s about doing less not more.. and learning how to express desires in a way that inspires vs complaints. It’s not like other marriage books.. the other ones are about aware but this has practical practical practical on how to do it .. and is life changing!!
My husband and I decided that we would use consensus to resolve issues in our marriage and this is another good topic to have a consensus conversation around. Thankfully, I have a willing partner who desires clear communication and I really appreciate him for that.
The article is on point and I have gleaned a few takeaways to improve my own marriage. That said, I understand exactly where Anon is coming from and I can also say that I have been there. I appreciate her candor too. It will help us be better helpers to one another in our endeavor to improve relationships. We are wise if we resist taking offense and instead me her where she is, after all foreign things truly do look impossible until we SEE (witness) them being done. It’s how world records are broken! The task seems impossible until we see someone break the Un-breakable record , now the mind knows that it’s doable, now we have the fortitude to get after it. Finally we do it and can now encourage another doubter.
That’s my goal here with this post. To encourage Anon. Hang in there Sis. Your on the right road for God to show you new and marvelous things that you do not know. Hallelujah!!! I’m praying in agreement with you for God Grace !
For many couples, one may be willing to communicate in this manner, but the spouse may not have this ability without seeing its benefit. We’ve been married 40 years and one memorable teaching taught us this method:
* Advise your spouse that you’d like a private time to talk together when it’s workable with both participants.
* Put two chairs face-to-face, sit across from each other, and hold hands.
* For 2 minutes, share your feelings (using “I feel” descriptions…avoiding accusations) trying to stick to facts and your feelings.
* After 2 minutes, the responding spouse should tell what they just heard.
* The first spouse now takes the opportunity to add or make corrections (nicely) in what was perceived…again, trying to be unaccusing, just clarifying.
* Then it is the time for the second spouse to share their feelings (I feel…) and facts for 2 minutes.
* The first spouse responds, reflecting what they heard the second one say.
* The second spouse affirms or corrects (nicely) what was said.
At first, my husband and I went back and forth, getting a little heated and having to calm ourselves and go back to speaking gently. But after doing this periodically, as needed, it became a much appreciated release of rising tensions. Often, we found that we were both trying to please the other (in our own minds), but often made presumptions, missed what each others intent was, and were surprised that we both were trying to deal with the same issues in our own way. Avoid using terms like “you never” and “you always”…try “you often”….
The opportunity to be heard is the draw. The format for really hearing is priceless.
Sorry, Prepare Enrich you’re a lil bit late, so I’ll catch you up some. My X husband abused me, children saw it, learned how to do it, fam didn’t believe me like the churches we attended. I separated after 32 years, and divorced 5 years later in 2004; he remained unteachable. Another undetectable quality he taught our 7 children.
This story ends well: I mostly forgave him, asked to be called out by him when I did wrong as I am a big sinner. Asked him to reason together, discuss our offenses, to learn each other, so that we each had a choice to stop the hurtful behavior, or continue the behavior.
Then in 2014, I moved from IL to Montana where he and youngest son started a thriving restaurant in 2008. got a job(s) to pay bills besides keep my Chicago area empty condo. and financially help the restaurant, esp. when Covid 19 came up upon the world. Early he asked me for remarriage, without apologies or confessing any wrong.
I answered that we hardly know one another, that he may not have time for marriage (still working 15 hr days), and I want a 3D strong marriage with our Savior centered the 3 ply cord knitting us closely together in Oneness.
In 2019, we started the reconciliation process. meeting with both of our pastors/wives who did not believe or know of his pornography addiction nor his early childhood damages. Then my Pastor/Wife Team, Dave/Charity Ginther, New Life Fellowship, Conrad, MT 59425 agreed to help late 2019, using your Prepare Enrich materials. Never heard results of both our online starter profiles nor had a second meeting with the Ginthers, b/c of Covid lockdown starting mid March ’20, We struggled thru with reconciliation with Holy Spirit help ; and struggled to keep restaurant going.
Today there is renewed life and counseling work for me alone, as Bill died June 2020 of a massive heart attack, not Covid, in my arms as I held him up on a restaurant chair, waiting for 911 to wisk him to rural then airlift him to Great Falls Benefis Hosp. That evening he had finished dinner with his weekly Bible Study Pastor; he was so excited and came to me to tell me all about it. Secret sins and kept secrets and/or non-disclosed childhood hurts interfere with Intimacy, resulting in Aloneness and Isolation,. NO heart to heart communication ever. Only 2% people admit their sins, maybe, have to wait till I get to heaven to know if he did confess. TALK ON THIS SUBJECT, PLEASE! It’s Time
Really want my story told as some of us cry when we talk. esp to deaf ears. Just want to warn Secret Keepers n Promise Keepers
to unite and love one another, care, love , help one another in the Name of Jesus.
I appreciate this article and the sentiment behind it. For folks who find having the kind of candid conversation following this article requires, I whole-heartedly recommend couples counseling. It has been an invaluable asset to my wife and I, although I’ll admit at first I really struggled with a sense of inadequacy and guilt. I always viewed counseling as the last step, or Hail Mary, before divorce. I bought into the stigma surrounding marriage counseling, but was quickly able to lay that aside with the help of prayer and a wonderful counselor, who has become a dear friend.
If the fear of what others will think is holding you back, or, if you are like I was and there’s a stigma associated with counseling, might I suggest you set that aside for the sake of your partner, your relationship, and especially yourself? Look at it as a relationship check-up if need be. Nobody who truly cares about the performance and longevity of their vehicle ignores the maintenance schedule. How much more important, then, is a relationship?
If counseling seems a path you’re willing to take, enter in with your whole heart and keep that heart and your mind open, and be willing to change if it’s required in order for your relationship to really flourish!