Newlyweds arguing. Does that seem like an oxymoron? While it might depend on how long you define the newlywed period, we usually associate newlyweds with the honeymoon phase – that blissful time after the wedding when everything seems carefree and happy. You see each other as pretty much perfect, and hearts float around you as you gaze at each other adoringly.
Okay, that might be a bit cliché – and not very realistic. The truth is, the first years of marriage are often quite challenging. As you start your life together and continue to get to know all of the different facets of each other, new issues pop up that may not have had the opportunity to reveal themselves before. Here are four common topics you might argue about as newlyweds.
Roles and responsibilities
Marriage often means navigating new territory when it comes to sharing and managing a household. Who plans and cooks meals? Who does which chores? Who keeps track of appointments and social engagements? These are just a few of the items you’ll face in your day-to-day life together. It’s not uncommon to assume these things will just work themselves out on their own, and sometimes they do. But often, you’ll need to have conversations about what’s working, what’s not, and what makes the most sense for your relationship. Talking about how things were handled in your home growing up can give you insight into the assumptions you’ve carried with you into your own marriage. Be open-minded and willing to make adjustments that better suit your individual skills and interests.
Family
Every couple and family is different, but once you’re “married in,” so to speak, you often end up spending more time with each other’s family. And even if it’s not time physically spent with them, you might notice a big uptick in the mental and emotional presence they have in your life. In-laws being intrusive into areas of your relationship that you deem private? Your spouse not taking your side in a disagreement with their family? Disagreement around where you’ll spend the holidays? These problems present a great opportunity to discuss things like boundaries, family rituals and traditions, and other family-related areas of contention. Your families will likely be an important presence in your lives, so set a precedent early in your marriage to address these issues head on.
Money
Money always has the potential to be a touchy topic. Before you were married, you may have been able to skirt around any major conflicts, but once you’re married, the stakes rise significantly. Money decisions no longer affect just you, and that can be an adjustment. Your spouse might have some money habits that take you by surprise, or you could simply find yourselves at odds over how you want to manage your finances as a married couple. Discussing your early experiences with money and how it was handled in your families can shed light on your money values and attitudes as an adult. It can also help you gain a better understanding of each other in order to align on your financial goals and priorities.
Expectations*
This one has an asterisk, and for good reason: it can affect all areas of your relationship, including the topics above and much more. Whether you’re aware of it or not, you both bring expectations into marriage. When those expectations are not met, whether it’s because they’re unrealized, unspoken, unrealistic, or some combination of the three, some sort of conflict will usually ensue. Although the true cause for the discontent can sometimes be hard to pinpoint, avoid the temptation to brush it aside. It’s a great opportunity to learn more about each other and yourself as you explore your expectations and make adjustments. The ability to discuss expectations is another one that will pay dividends throughout your marriage, not just early on.
Arguing as newlyweds is common. After all, you’re still learning about each other, which you’ll hopefully continue to do as you grow together throughout your marriage. The goal here isn’t to avoid these arguments – quite the opposite! The conversations that flow out of them can actually help you and your spouse explore some really important topics that will have a significant impact throughout your marriage.
Good advice-counsel!
This is great!
This is fantastic advice. Thank you for sharing…
My wedding is coming up in September, and these blogs have been a huge help! I’ve always heard that marriage isn’t the easiest thing, and that you can’t go off of what others make it seem, so going into it knowing these things will arise is very eye opening and I’d even say healthy. Thanks for all the advice! I look forward to the many more articles I read from you!
Hi Clarissa!! I just wanted to say congratulations on your wedding engagement! I was a September bride last year and found these blogs to be extremely helpful too. If I may say this, go in your marriage with expectations, but leaving room for change and altering things as you go. To be honest, I am 57 years old and this is my second marriage. I honestly can’t say what went wrong in my first marriage as my then husband never gave me a clue that he was not happy or satisfied. He just left one day and never came back. After 34 years. But what I have taken in to my new marriage is NEVER take the other person for granted. Ask questions, and let him know too, how you feel. But don’t let your feelings lead you into bad circumstances. You are to think with your head. Know you are in it for ever, And remain committed. I wish you much fulfillment in your future!! God bless!! And thanks for reading!
Hi Joanne, what amazing advice, thank you!!
I also wanted to say that I’m so sorry your ex dealt you such an expected blow, I imagine that must’ve blindsided you. But I’m happy to see that you found love again and I wish for you a lifetime of happiness and love.
Best wishes,
Marlene
This is wonderful, and it has always been the areas of emphasis in my pre-marital classes; especially the critical topic on marriage expectations.
Good read
I’ll be married in June. We just started our marital classes. These blogs have been part of our preparation. So much of it applies, or are good reminders even as we marry at the age of 70!!!!
We cover these topics in our premarital counseling sessions and it’s a great confirmation to make sure we continue to do so. However, we find ourselves counseling couples who have been married for a while and these are still items of contention, especially the one on expectations. This is great information and something that all couples need to learn to manage. Thanks for the reminder. I love these nuggets!!
The Prepare Enrich ‘conflict resolution’ sheet and family values worksheet have both been helpful. Gottman resources such as ‘Dreams Within Conflict’ tie both together, going deeper into how what you’re feeling may be similar to how you’ve felt growing up. Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse teaches more on ‘fighting fair’ and therefore avoiding the most common communication patters that have been shown to increase the risk of divorce (hints: eye rolling, refusing to ever talk a disagreement, putting someone down or yelling are some of the examples that can be categorized into the four areas). We really felt the caring that came from the married couple that facilitated our Prepare Enrich sessions. Many of us facilitators and even counselors are now doing video sessions which makes it easier to find facilitators…there are two of us in the Fort Smith / Van Buren area currently as well as one in Siloam Springs.
Too late for us. Don’t rely on churchmen and the clergy to counsel you before marriage. They don’t know the first things about the first thing. All they know is how to sling Bible verses at you while dancing around the critical issues of marriage.
I don’t agree that arguing is ok in any form. This comes from anger mostly and is not fruitful. As a couple we never have or do argue. We take time daily to ask each other our highlights of the day and anything that is bothering us. We pray a grateful prayer of thanks and a prayer for guidance. If you remain open to your partner there should not be a need for arguments 😁