If you’ve read a few of our blog posts, you’ve probably noticed that we often encourage couples to talk to each other about their relationship. Feeling dissatisfied? Talk about it. Dealing with an unresolved conflict? Talk about it. Want to be a better spouse? Talk about it. And it’s true – honest, consistent communication about what’s working (or needs work) in your relationship is vital to staving off complacency and strengthening your connection. But sometimes, it just doesn’t come naturally.
How do you broach the subject without it feeling awkward, forced, or corny? Whether this is something you and your spouse have often struggled with or it’s reflective of the season you’re in, there are some simple things you can do to make talking about your relationship more approachable.
React to relationship-focused content.
Books, blogs, podcasts, movies, shows, you name it. Watch, read, or listen, then come together to discuss your thoughts and reactions. What did you think? What were you reminded of? You’ll likely start out talking about the episode/post/film, which makes an easy segue into relating it to the context of your own relationship. Since we often perceive things through our own lens of experiences, your reactions to the piece of media may spur insights that help you understand yourself and your spouse better.
Observe other relationships.
We learn from those around us – parents, siblings, friends, etc. Maybe you notice the ways your parents interact, and it makes you think about your own interactions with your partner. When you pay attention to the different dynamics of others’ relationships, it naturally causes you to become more aware of your own. Sharing observations of others’ relationships can be less intimidating than jumping right into discussing your own, which is a natural next step to make. The key here is to avoid getting into the comparison game. Instead, keep in mind that all relationships are unique – one is not necessarily better or worse than another, just different.
Make it an intentional habit.
There’s no rule that says the topic of your relationship has to come up completely organically in your every day conversation, so lean into being intentional about it instead. At the end of every day or week, have a chat about what went well in your relationship and what could have gone better. If it’s already penciled into your schedule, neither of you has to stress about how or when to bring it up. You might find that adopting this practice makes it easier to talk about your relationship at unplanned times, too.
Follow a guide.
There are so many great resources out there to help you and your partner have meaningful conversations. Leverage them when you’re not sure where to start, to add a bit more structure to the conversation if that’s your style, or to introduce topics you’re hesitant to discuss. The Discussion Guide for Couples is perfect for these situations, providing insights and discussion starters on 14 relationship-centric topics. Incorporate it into your daily/weekly check-ins or your next date night.
In an ideal world, we’d all excel at having honest, productive, and meaningful conversations with our spouse about our relationship, but in reality, that’s simply not the case. Sometimes you’re not feeling connected or comfortable enough to bring it up, and sometimes you’re just in a rut – that’s okay. There are simple ways you can break the proverbial ice, making it easier the next time around, and the time after that.
I am a facilitator and I am looking for materials that will help a couple work through some severe roadblocks to communication. Do you have workbooks or other materials that you could recommend?
I’m sure you’ve heard this saying before: communication is the key 🔑 to any relationship. It sounds cliché but it’s true. I think it’s really easy to tell people that communication is important in a healthy relationship but it’s not as easy to explain how to communicate. And if we’re never taught how to use this key, then we’ll never be able to open the door to healthy communication.
Communication is defined as a lot of things but my favorite definition includes, “the successful conveying or sharing of ideas and feelings”. I always say I’m a great talker, but I have to also be an equally great listener in order to be a great communicator. Communication is about expressing yourself in a healthy way, listening to your partner when they are doing the same, and really hearing and absorbing what the other person has to say.