No one likes getting called out. Whether it’s your spouse pointing out that you’ve interrupted them three times in one conversation, or noting that your “quick errand” turned into a two-hour disappearance, it can sting – even if it’s true and delivered in a kind way.
At first glance, it might seem like one of you is dropping the ball, one of you is being critical, or both. But here’s the thing: a marriage in which both partners are comfortable calling each other out and willing to hear it, is a healthier marriage than one where no one ever does. This might seem counterintuitive, so let’s dive in.
Why it feels like failing
When your spouse points out something you did, it’s easy to take it as an attack on your character, instead of feedback on a specific behavior. You might make assumptions that your spouse thinks you’re selfish, forgetful, a bad partner – even when that’s not what they’re saying at all. This faulty thinking makes getting called out feel like a judgment, and that can spark a cycle of defensiveness and criticism that is hard to get out of. The gamechanger is when you learn that being called out on a behavior isn’t the same as being told you’re a bad person or failing as a spouse. Instead, you take it as information – constructive feedback that can help you grow.
…and why it’s actually not
Think about a relationship where nothing gets called out. At first glance, it might seem peaceful. But in reality, there’s a good chance one or both of you are tamping down irritations instead of addressing them. The problem with this? Those irritations don’t disappear – they accumulate – creating a breeding ground for resentment. Instead of a calm, specific call-out in the moment, this accumulation of resentment tends to bubble up and overflow when you least expect it. Often, it manifests as a disproportionately big reaction to a seemingly small issue, because it’s actually about five other frustrations that were never communicated. That’s why the ability to call each other out kindly, specifically, and in the moment is so beneficial to your marriage. You’re dealing with the issue right away, instead of letting it grow into something bigger down the road.
What makes a call-out land well
Not all call-outs are created equal – the delivery matters. Here’s what to keep in mind:
- Target the behavior, not the person. “You cut me off twice during that conversation” is often easier to hear than “you’re the worst listener.”
- Don’t pile-on. Stay focused on one specific moment, not a laundry list of every other time this has happened or things they’re doing wrong.
- Leave space for a response. Think of the call-out as the starting point for a conversation, not a closing argument.
The other side of the two-way street
Calling out your spouse well can take some practice, but there’s another – perhaps trickier – side to this equation: receiving the call-out without getting defensive or making excuses. The instinct to explain or justify your actions can be strong. I only snapped because I’ve had a terrible day. I forgot because I have a thousand things on my mind. These things might be true, but when your immediate response is an explanation, it comes across as though you’re more interested in being understood than in actually hearing your spouse out. It’s sort of like the difference between a simple, “I’m sorry” and the dreaded “I’m sorry, but…” One takes ownership of the behavior, while the latter deflects it. Hearing something hard about yourself without getting defensive requires a level of emotional maturity and self-awareness that doesn’t always come easily. If you’re able to do this, that’s something take pride in.
See it as a sign of strength If you and your spouse can call each other out – and receive it without spiraling into defensiveness or shutting down – it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with your marriage. It’s actually evidence of the opposite: your trust, respect, and commitment to each other have laid a foundation that allows you to say the hard things and hear them in return. Kudos!
