4 Patterns to Establish in Your Marriage

Do you ever feel like you’re stuck in negative patterns in your marriage? Maybe it’s a cycle of criticism and defensiveness, or resentment that builds until a blowout argument. You might feel discouraged – how did you even get into the pattern in the first place? All it takes is a couple of instances to set a precedent. A pattern forms, and it’s hard to break out of.

What can you do to avoid this? One way is to be more intentional about establishing positive patterns instead. Here are four examples:

Being flexible

Flexibility is one of the more underrated ingredients for a lifelong marriage. From the division of household responsibilities, to how you handle the unexpected, a healthy level of flexibility acts as a cushion that protects your marriage from cracking at every bump that comes along. When you’ve established a positive pattern of flexibility, you’re able to bend, adjust, and compromise when you need to, creating a more harmonious marriage. You might wonder if flexibility is something you can work on – you can! Start taking note of unexpected situations in your daily life. Maybe the babysitter falls through, one of you goes down with a stomach bug, or your car breaks down and will be in the shop for a week. How do you handle it? There might be times you’re feeling upset, irritated, or uncomfortable in navigating the situation. Set aside some time to reflect on it with your partner. What adjustments do each of you have to make? How can you work together for the best outcome? Practicing flexibility in lower stakes situations like these can help you establish patterns that will buoy you when bigger crises come along.

Fostering emotional safety

In order to let your guards down, you both need to feel comfortable expressing your true emotions. This requires a sense of emotional safety – feeling fully accepted and loved for who you are, and not worrying about being judged or criticized even when you’re not at your best. It takes effort from both of you to create this dynamic within your marriage. Want to improve the emotional safety in your marriage? Work on self-awareness and empathy. Self-awareness – understanding your own triggers and tendencies – helps you lower defensiveness, while empathy strengthens your connection and promotes a sense of oneness. Together, these things foster an emotionally safe environment – laying the foundation for better communication and conflict resolution.

Addressing issues early

Unresolved issues or conflicts cause tension and resentment to build up between you. When emotional safety is part of your marriage, you’re less likely to avoid dealing with issues. You both feel comfortable bringing up topics, whether it’s an ongoing point of contention or just a small thing that’s been bothering you lately. Learning to address issues right away – instead of letting them fester – normalizes this pattern, making it easier to do consistently, for both big and small conflicts alike.

Repairing from conflict quickly

Even when you’ve established the aforementioned healthy patterns in your marriage, conflict will still pop up occasionally. Criticism, defensiveness, and poor communication are part of being human. While a “cooling off” period after an argument can be necessary and helpful, letting disconnection linger on for days without working toward repair can be more damaging to your relationship than the argument itself. Whether it’s pride, the desire to be “right, or simply being unsure how to initiate reconnection, try looking past the short-term satisfaction or discomfort – and focus on what’s best for your marriage in the long run. Learning to repair quickly will make it easier each time, creating a pattern that sticks.

We might wonder why the negative patterns are so easy to fall into, while the healthy ones require more effort to adopt. It seems a little unfair, but with a bit of awareness and intention, you can establish patterns that strengthen your marriage instead of straining it.