5 Areas Practice Pays Off in Marriage

What things could you use some practice in? Maybe you’re picking up a new hobby or want to develop a particular skill for your job. Perhaps you’re giving a speech at your best friend’s wedding or you’re trying to perfect that special family recipe before the next big gathering. Whatever the case, practice typically leads to some degree of improvement, whether it’s immediate or more incremental.

What about in your marriage? “Practice” might seem odd in this context. Maybe you think about “working” on or prioritizing your marriage, but where does practice come in? Well, there are actually several areas in which practice pays off. Let’s dive into some.

1. Showing affection

Expressing affection – physically and verbally – comes more naturally for some people than others. It can also vary depending on the phase or season of your relationship. It might seem strange to think that you need to practice things like hugging or telling your spouse you love them. However, it’s surprisingly easy to fall out of practice at these things. Unfortunately, the longer you let these seemingly small habits fall by the wayside, the more awkward or uncomfortable it can feel to pick them back up. If you tend to be a less affectionate person by nature or you feel this part of your relationship beginning to fade, be intentional about doing it more. Go in for a kiss when you’d typically let the moment pass, give a loving squeeze as you cross paths around the house, or cuddle up next to each other on the couch instead of on opposite ends. Tell your spouse you love them or give them a meaningful compliment when they least expect it. You’d be surprised how natural it starts to feel once again.

2. Apologizing

Why are those two little words so hard? Saying you’re sorry, particularly for the bigger things, requires self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and the ability to take responsibility for situations in which you could have been a better spouse. Frankly, it’s not easy for most people! And that’s where practice can help. It doesn’t mean you should start over-apologizing to the point that it becomes meaningless. Instead, practice offering timely, genuine apologies for missteps that you typically wouldn’t call yourself on. For example, if you respond more harshly to your spouse than you intended, take the opportunity to say you’re sorry instead of just assuming it’ll blow over. When you practice making amends without excuses in lower-stakes situations, it becomes that much easier during the bigger conflicts.

3. Bringing up a tough topic

Sometimes you know there’s an issue to address, but you refrain from bringing it up. Maybe you feel uncomfortable, anxious, or even scared to broach the subject. Will it stir up a fight? Will it uncover other issues? Will your spouse be angry or hurt? So you keep quiet, hoping it will resolve itself, which of course rarely happens. Instead, resentment builds, and the issue grows even bigger. Learning to be assertive and push through those feelings of discomfort to face an issue head on is a challenge for many individuals and couples alike. But once you start doing it more, the easier it becomes, setting a positive precedent for future conflicts in your marriage.

4. Truly listening

On the flip side of assertively bringing up an issue is listening to it – without interruption, judgement, or getting defensive. It seems simple enough – you just have to bite your tongue until your spouse is done talking, right? But it’s more than that. Instead of just waiting for your turn to speak (and mentally formulating your response as you wait), focus on really hearing and understanding the heart and emotion behind what they’re saying. Active listening, in which you reflect back to you spouse what you’re hearing from them, is one of the hallmark skills of good communication. The great thing is you can practice this all the time, not just during conflict.

5. Expressing appreciation

In your mind, there’s probably no doubt that you appreciate your spouse – who they are and all that they bring to your marriage. But do they know that? Do you make a habit of expressing your gratitude and appreciation for them, or does it come far and few between? If it’s the latter, make a point to show your appreciation a few times each day. Maybe you notice how well they handled one of the kids’ meltdowns, and you praise them in the moment. Or perhaps you’ve noticed how they take on so much of the mental load day to day, and you let them know you see and appreciate it. It’s yet another case in which the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

With practice, there’s often a component of repetition. It builds a sense of muscle memory that enables you to do things without even having to think about it. Surprisingly, you can apply this in your marriage as well! While you might think that practicing your way to a stronger marriage isn’t realistic, these examples hopefully make you think otherwise.