They say that loving your spouse is a choice you make every day. That’s true, but is it really just based on one single choice? Perhaps more accurately, it is the cumulative effect of many choices you make throughout the course of every day. Small forks in the road can send the dynamics of your marriage down a path of warmth and connection, or quite the opposite. Sort of like those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books that were popular in the 80’s and 90’s, the decisions you make when interacting with your spouse have a way of feeding off the previous and into the next. For better or worse, these seemingly small choices can become ingrained as habits or relationship patterns that stick. Wondering what we mean? Here are 4 forks in the road you might encounter on a daily basis:
1. Do you kiss each other goodbye – or – rush out the door without a glance?
Mornings are chaotic for most people, especially if you have kids or enjoy your sleep. You might not have much time to spare, and it’s easy to fall into the habit of parting ways without any sort of goodbye ritual. But here’s the thing: research has shown that rituals as simple as a goodbye kiss have an overwhelmingly positive effect on marriage. They create and nurture connection and stability in your bond, helping you stay tethered to each other in the midst of your busy lives. So those extra five seconds spent on a quick goodbye hug or kiss? Well worth it!
2. After a long day, do you greet your spouse with annoyance and a grumpy tone – or – opt for warmth and show you’re happy to see them?
Tough days, stress, feeling overwhelmed, etc. can all affect your mood, and it’s easy to let that bad mood bleed into how you interact with your spouse. If the first exchange you have with them upon reuniting is a negative one, it can set the tone for the entire evening or time you spend with them. It doesn’t mean you have to mask your feelings if you’re struggling or pretend that nothing is wrong. It’s more about choosing a response that helps you move toward each other instead of creating distance or pushing your partner away.
3. Your spouse makes a comment that strikes a nerve. Do you reply with a snippy remark – or – remain neutral and get curious about what they really meant?
As humans, we are emotional and complex, and that means our perception of an otherwise innocent comment can be skewed. Whether it’s tied to a personal trigger, insecurity, or past trauma, we sometimes attach meaning to things our spouse says that isn’t actually there. It’s natural to respond defensively, but when we go down this route it often sets off a negative communication cycle that can be hard to break. It takes self-awareness, emotional maturity, and yes – practice! But learning to respond in a more intentional way will help you de-escalate conversations that might otherwise have veered into an unexpected fight.
4. Do you express the criticism on the tip of your tongue – or – choose a perspective of gratitude, humor, or empathy instead?
Throughout the course of any day you probably encounter several chances to criticize your spouse. Whether it’s the way they do a certain task (not wrong, just not your way), that annoying habit they have, or a mistake they made, choosing to criticize your spouse is one of the most damaging dynamics that can take root in your relationship. Sometimes it can feel like it takes all the strength in the world to hold back that tiny little critique or have the last word. It’s even harder when you’re annoyed and focused on your spouse’s flaws. Choosing to have a more positive perspective ripples throughout your relationship – you’ll fight less over the little things and have a more harmonious relationship in general.
On their own, these choices all seem pretty inconsequential. But when you view them as a series of “forks in the road,” you can see how just one poor decision can lead the dynamics of your relationship down a path that you didn’t intend. The further down that path you go, the harder it can be to get back to where you want to be. Which path will you choose?
Yes All You Shared is True.. like stand up comedians we tend to put the attention on others and not focusing on our short Cummins. But this is no Joke it Hurts our Spouses when we do this. Why we are so defensive when it comes to our feeling’s ? We need to grow up as individuals and grow up fast !
Working with couples, I found that wives tend to be more sensitive to critical remarks but husbands do not appreciate it either. But then at times, they retaliate with criticism as well which only escalates the situation. Both can get very defensive as it’s hurtful to be criticized by the person you love. I suggest the person on the receiving end go quickly to the bathroom and count to 10 and think of an appropriate response, “Is everything okay?” Because it may not be anything you’ve done and they are transferring their frustration over to you.
Do you want to talk about what is really bothering you?
I’m sorry. Can we start this all over in a different way?