Breaking the Habit of Making Excuses

Excuses, excuses. Everyone makes them from time to time, but no one really wants to be known as the person who always has an excuse. It can come off as immature, irresponsible, or defensive – not a good look. While making excuses gets you off the hook in the short-term, doing it habitually can prevent you from growing, evolving, or reaching your full potential in the long run – and it can have the same effect on your marriage.

Excuses can show up in different forms. We might make them for ourselves or for others. Typically we think of them in the context of actions or behaviors – why we did or didn’t do something, or for being or not being a certain way (“It’s just the way I am.”) Similar to defensiveness, making excuses is a defense mechanism that we use to protect ourselves from feeling inadequacy, criticism, shame, or guilt. Also like defensiveness, it can inhibit conflict resolution and perpetuate complacency, ultimately preventing you from being the best spouse you can be.

So what can you do if making excuses is driving a wedge between you and your spouse? Here are some steps to take.

1. Work on your self-awareness.

Increasing self-awareness means learning more about yourself – including your triggers, insecurities, key personality traits, communication style, and how you deal with conflict. When you understand these things about yourself, you’ll have more insight into when and why you tend to make excuses. What are some ways to become more self-aware? Keep a journal – it’s a great outlet for self-reflection, stress, anxiety, or difficult emotions, and can give you a way to look back on emotional and behavioral patterns. Or take an assessment – from personality tests to strength/weakness finders to your thinking style and so much more, self-assessments can provide insight into what makes you tick in all aspects of your life. 

2. Get comfortable with yourself.

Gaining a better understanding of your strengths helps build your self-confidence, which in turn helps you feel more comfortable facing and accepting your shortcomings. It’s hard to hear or experience uncomfortable or unflattering truths about ourselves, right? There are often involuntary emotions that bubble up, like defensiveness, anger, shame, and vulnerability. Get comfortable sitting with those feelings; understand that your flaws don’t define you. Once you’re able to exercise this level of emotional maturity, it lays the groundwork for responding to constructive criticism and feedback in productive ways – and that means fewer excuses.

3. Reflect on your contribution to the problem – and own it.

When you’re fighting with your spouse, the natural response is to focus on what they’ve done, while rationalizing your own actions. As an exercise, try flipping that script: reflect on what you’ve done to contribute to the conflict, and view their actions through an empathetic lens. Fight the urge to make excuses for yourself. Instead, own up to your mistake and take responsibility for it. Apologize if necessary, and consider what you can do better next time.

4. Create emotional safety for each other.

Similar to defensiveness, the tendency to make excuses can be a two-way street. If one or both of you feel like you’re going to be judged, shamed, or criticized for admitting your mistakes, you’re more likely to want to defend yourself instead. So work on creating a sense of emotional safety for each other to be vulnerable. This might mean being very mindful of your tone or how you’re bringing up a topic with them. What you say matters, but so does how you say it. It might also mean resisting the urge to interrupt or reply with a counterpoint or criticism.

Making excuses can be just an occasional tendency that everyone succumbs to now and then. But when it becomes your go-to defense, it can prevent you from being able to work through issues, have vulnerable conversations, and resolve conflict in a healthy way. All of these things are vital to growing together, and that’s why working on these steps can greatly benefit your marriage – no excuses!