Stop Waiting for These Things in Your Marriage

You wait for the bus. You wait for a package to be delivered. You wait for the toast to pop up. It makes sense to wait for some things, and in certain situations, waiting for the “right time” is important. But adopting this mindset across every aspect of your life can paralyze personal growth and prevent you from reaching and enjoying your full potential. If you want to make the most of your marriage, then stop waiting for these things:

…an easier season

You’ve got toddlers and/or a baby, and let’s be real – life is chaotic and you’re in survival mode. It’ll get easier when the kids are little bit older. You’re in the early stages of building your business, working crazy hours, and your work-life balance is basically non-existent. Once you’ve gotten established, things will settle down. The kids are older now, and their activities fill up the calendar every week. Once summer rolls around, things won’t be so hectic.

Do you ever find yourself in this cycle of thinking? Things are stressful or challenging right now, but there’s a magical time in the future when things will be easier. That’s when you’ll be able to focus more on your marriage, go on that vacation, be more intentional about family quality time, the list goes on. On one hand, it’s healthy to understand that the difficult seasons of life are temporary. Being able to embrace the ebbs and flows of life can help you be more resilient as you handle what’s thrown your way. The problem, of course, is if you’re never really living or finding joy in the present. You will go through tough seasons with your spouse, whether it’s related to parenting, money/careers, or your own relationship, but constantly waiting for that season to pass instead of being proactive about being happy in your marriage day-to-day will ultimately leave you feeling unfulfilled.

Instead of passively waiting for an easier season to come along, take control of the situation. That might be making the most of your current phase, or it might mean making changes or eliminating things that are draining your time or energy or straining your relationship. Sometimes, you might not have any choice but to power through a trying period. Consider setting an end date or a point when you’ll sit down with your spouse to assess your next steps.

…your spouse to break the silence

You have an argument with your partner that ends in both of your stalking off, frustrated and angry with each other. You stew in your feelings for a couple hours, going through all the reasons why you’re justified in being upset with them. You want to make up, but shouldn’t they apologize first? If you initiate reconnecting before they do, isn’t that like admitting you’re wrong and losing the argument? So you wait for them to come to their senses… and wait… meanwhile they’re doing the same thing!

Letting disconnection drag on for days until one of you finally gives in is ultimately damaging to your relationship. Handling conflict with your spouse takes a good amount of humility and vulnerability, and that means not letting pettiness prevent you from repairing things after an argument. Sure, you might need time to cool off or process your emotions – take it if you need it, but try to communicate your needs and that you want to reconvene to discuss things soon. You might say, “I need some time to calm down and process. Can we sit down and talk again in a few hours?” This opens up a standing invitation to reconnect instead of relying on one of you to break the icy silence. When you do come back together, take ownership of your feelings, actions, and contributions to the conflict. Instead of waiting for your partner to apologize, beat them to it. In turn, your partner will be much more likely to respond with empathy and vulnerability instead of defensiveness.

…issues to arise before working on your relationship

Your marriage is going great. You’re communicating well, you feel connected to each other, and you seem to be on the same page about most areas of your relationship. Okay, there are maybe a couple things you wouldn’t mind discussing, but they’re not really big things. Why risk rocking the boat? If it were serious, wouldn’t you be having issues or fighting about it? You’re not, so it can wait, right?

Here’s the thing: most issues don’t just pop up one day out of the blue. They grow slowly, over time, spreading insidiously until they finally come to a head in the form of a big fight. You might be caught off guard, wondering, “Where did this come from?” Or maybe deep down you’ve felt like something was off for awhile. You haven’t been fighting, but there’s been an occasional edge between you – maybe a lurking sense of resentment, avoided conversations, or tamping down frustrations.

The answer here is simple: don’t get complacent and wait for things to fall apart before putting in the “work” to keep your relationship strong. That work might be bringing up uncomfortable topics or issues that might disturb the peace between you. It might be having a weekly relationship check-in, participating in marriage enrichment classes, or even going to counseling. It might seem counterintuitive, but embrace the fact that a strong, healthy relationship is always a work in progress.

While there are certain times in marriage when patience pays off, waiting isn’t always the best option. Finding joy in your current phase of life, resolving conflict with your spouse, and working on your relationship are three things to be proactive and intentional about. So what are you waiting for?