Showing Love When You’re Not Really Feeling It

Real talk. You love your spouse. But sometimes, you don’t really feel all that loving. Maybe you are angry with them or are still processing emotions around a conflict. Perhaps you’re emotionally flooded or you’ve had a horrible day and just need some space. Whatever the case, it’s normal to not feel loving and affectionate toward your spouse 100% of the time. However, constantly taking your anger, frustration, or other difficult emotions out on them (even when they might be the cause), will take a toll on your relationship.

Fortunately, there are ways to let your spouse know your love for them hasn’t wavered – that you’re still “with” them and committed to your marriage even if you’re not feeling especially warm towards them at the moment. These small things provide reassurance that you will reconnect, even if it’s not immediately. Let’s explore.

• Communicate (kindly).

  Need to step away from a conversation after a triggering comment from your partner? Craving some alone time to decompress after a frustrating day at work? So irate with your spouse you can’t even look at them right now? You have choices for how to respond. Do you fire back with some cutting words, completely ignore them when they ask how your day was, or dramatically stomp out of the room? In the moment, when you’re feeling emotional or tapped out, it’s natural to fall back on these responses. Unfortunately, they all create distance and tension between you and your spouse.

  What should you do instead? It takes practice, but learning to communicate what you need in a calm way can make all the difference. It might be saying, “I just need a few minutes to calm down. I’ll come find you when I’m ready to talk again,” or “I’m not angry with you, I just had a hard day and needs some alone time.” By letting them know what’s going through your mind in a neutral way, you keep the lines of connection open between you so they’re not feeling shut out or in the dark.

• Offer a small physical gesture.

  When you’re feeling at odds with your spouse, showing them physical affection usually isn’t the first thing on your mind. That’s understandable. But a small gesture – a gentle hand on their arm as you tell them you need space, a squeeze of their shoulder before you leave the room, or reaching out to hold their hand even if you aren’t ready to talk – reinforces the idea that you love you partner no matter what, even if you don’t especially like them in the moment. It gives the sense that this is just a pause instead of a hard disconnection.

• Remain considerate.

  We’ve probably all had the urge to be rude to our spouse at some point. If you’ve ever given into that urge, you probably ended up regretting it later. Sure, in the moment it’s somewhat of an outlet for our frustration, but at the end of the day it simply doesn’t feel good. Not only can it be like a slap in the face to your spouse, it adds even more distance and tension between you, when really that’s the last thing either of you probably want.

  It can take effort, but try to be intentional about maintaining a basic level of kindness and consideration toward your partner, even when you’re in conflict. Hold the door for them instead of letting it close in their face. Listen to what they’re saying instead of walking away mid-sentence or visibly ignoring them. Treating your spouse with the same level of consideration and respect, whether you’re in the middle of a heated discussion or in a bad mood – is a basic way to show love through it all. Of course, this is the ideal situation. No one is perfect, especially when emotions get the better of us. Part B of this one is recognizing when you’ve been inconsiderate, taking responsibility, and apologizing if you need to.

• Follow through on initiating reconnection.

  If you were the one to request some space to process or calm down, then initiating reconnection in a timely manner is a great way to show your spouse that coming back together is important to you, too. It builds a sense of trust and takes the pressure off of them to know when you’re ready to connect again, and sets a positive precedent for how you might handle future conflicts.

When you’re not feeling loving toward your spouse, due to conflict or other circumstances, it’s normal for negative emotions to win out. If this happens too often, it can take a toll on the dynamic of your relationship. By working on being more intentional and showing love in small ways, you’ll reinforce your commitment and connection, even during tough moments.