You don’t want to rock the boat. It’s probably not that big of a deal. Maybe you’re overreacting. You’ll bring it up another time.
It’s easy to come up with lots of reasons to avoid bringing up an issue with your spouse. Most people don’t want to start a fight or cause conflict when things seem to be rolling along smoothly. It’s understandable to want to keep the peace. But here’s the thing: avoiding dealing with issues in your marriage has a way of coming back to bite you later. Most problems don’t just go away on their own. So let’s explore four big reasons to stop avoiding the issue.
1. Avoidance fuels a negative relationship cycle.
When you avoid or minimize problems instead of addressing them, it can start to feel like you’re walking on eggshells – and like you don’t have a lot of control over what’s happening in the relationship. In turn, this can lead to feeling like your partner is calling all the shots, especially if they are more proactive in bringing up issues. This then results in more avoidance, perpetuating the cycle. On the other hand, learning to be assertive and share your feelings and needs in a healthy, respectful way kicks off a positive cycle, building self-confidence and creating a space of mutual acceptance. This helps you feel more comfortable addressing future issues right away instead of letting them fester.
2. Intimacy and connection will improve.
When you’re tiptoeing around an issue or trying to pretend it doesn’t exist, it sort of takes up space between you, creating emotional distance. You might feel like you can’t fully be yourself or try not to bring up certain topics all to avoid “the issue.” You might even try to sidestep spending one-on-one time with your spouse. Needless to say, this is an intimacy killer. It’s hard to feel close and connected when there’s an elephant in the room. Addressing issues eliminates the distance and brings you closer.
3. You’ll minimize resentment.
When you’re upset about something but decide not to bring it up, where do those feelings go? On some rare occasions, you might truly forget about it and move on. But more often, those feelings usually don’t go away. Instead, think of them as weeds in a garden. They take root and spread in the form of resentment, until one day the garden is finally overrun – and you find yourself blowing up over a seemingly tiny infraction. Or perhaps even worse – growing cold and distant from your spouse. Addressing issues right away (or within an appropriate timeframe) is like regularly weeding the garden. No, it’s not a fun job. But it will pay dividends in the end.
4. It makes your relationship stronger.
It’s not easy. It can be uncomfortable, and it doesn’t happen overnight. You have to be willing to do the work. That might mean doing some self-reflection to gain a better understanding of your own emotional triggers or working on being more assertive. Or it could mean being patient with each other as you work on an ongoing issue in your relationship, understanding that even if it’s not resolved after one conversation, that’s okay. When you learn to work through issues both big and small instead of avoiding them, your relationship grows. You learn more about each other and yourselves, and you gain confidence to handle anything together.
While it might seem like all is well when things are harmonious, sometimes there is more than meets the eye. Beneath the surface, an unaddressed issue lurks, fostering resentment and creating distance between you. But you can nip the problem in the bud by tackling it in a timely manner, instead of avoiding it. You’ll be glad you did!
I find myself avoiding arguments often, but I guess i need to speak up.
But first you have to decide WHAT the issue is, and then both need to agree that it IS the issue.
Avoiding arguments is possibly helpful if designed to avert anger, but avoiding tough conversations is very unhelpful and unhealthy in the long run.
I like to pray and ask God if He thinks I should bring this issue up, and if so, give me the right attitude and opportunity to do so. Sometimes, I just need to forgive my spouse and let things go. Other times God has given me the right opening to address it. But, bringing up every single thing that I don’t like is just as damaging to our relationship as letting everything go unsaid.
I love Susan’s idea — asking for God’s help in discerning how and when to bring things up.
Am I avoiding the conversation because I am passively stonewalling? That’s not fair to anyone and especially unhealthy for our relationship. Are we playing out in our minds how we think that conversation will go and have predicted the outcome having never attempted a 2 way conversation? That’s also unfortunate, unhealthy and unfair to both parties and the relationship. Waiting too long will only manifest a bigger beast of resentment, criticism and contempt. Get into the conversation, keep it calm, stop if it becomes unproductive and return to it when you both can keep yourself in check and bring progress to your relationship. This is my encouraging peptalk to myself.
I have been living with this avoidance and stonewalling for the past 22 years. My husband refuses to address any issues and any unpleasant challenges in our family life including challenges raising our eldest daughter. It has led to a narrative being built that I am the domineering or aggressive partner because I actively try to address conflict. He on the other hand is a ‘yes’ man. He will agree with everything and everyone just so he looks like the supportive and good guy to persons outside our family. Our relationship has deteriorated so badly and I feel so abandoned and alone that I am seriously contemplating divorce.
I just started receiving the prepare enrich blogs, but I would certainly like to see more about’still raising adult children!’ That is the biggest issue between me and my husband. It did lead us to prepare/enrich, but we have grown so far apart with this issue!
I think these tips are helpful in friendships too. I tend to avoid “tough” issues with my friends too…
I’m not sure why, but they tend to go sour when I try to discuss things. We usually end up arguing and not resolving much…
It leaves me not wanting to talk about stuff, in general. Not just with my spouse.
There is no subject that I can bring up that will not eventually lead to an argument. He is very argumentative especially when he is watching the news. Some of this is a result of not wanting to rock the boat. But what do you do after 42 years?
This is such a BIG challenge to us as it requires courage, humility, and conversatiomal skill.
If years have passed with avoidance being the norm, a mediator/counsellor will be the best help to make discussions work. The neutral 3rd party helps diffuse the emotional energy and translate meaning between us so we can focus on the problem together rather than the person.
To: S Lucia. My heart goes out to You. Fight for Your Marriage.Find new ways to get Your Spouse to Understand. Don’t throw in the towel on the Marriage, PRAY in seek God’s Face than Pray some more. God Hates divorce. If Your not being physically abused in The Marriage stay in work things out,find the will power to do it. Pray together if possible, You can Do it.God Bless.