Is that quick goodbye kiss before you part ways in the morning really critical to the success of your marriage?
It might seem small and inconsequential, but in the context of relationship rituals, it can actually be quite meaningful. Much research has shown that rituals have an overwhelmingly positive effect on marriage. They create and nurture connection, shared meaning, and a sense of stability in your bond. They act as constant relational touch points that help you stay tethered to each other and your unique identity as a couple – in the midst of your busy lives.
Chances are, you already have many rituals in your marriage that formed naturally. While you might not have put much thought into creating them, a bit of intention and awareness doesn’t hurt when it comes to sustaining them over time. Here are 6 types of rituals to maintain (or create) in your marriage:
1. The goodbye/reunion ritual
Yes, that goodbye kiss is important! Whether it’s that and “I love you’s” as you see each other off in the morning or a 10-second bear hug when you reunite after a long day, this type of ritual bookends your time apart with some feel-good endorphins. It promotes a sense of connection as you separate for the day, and re-establishes that bond as you reunite, starting your evening off on the right foot.
2. The celebration ritual
Birthdays, anniversaries, life milestones, job promotions, beating the odds – there will be many opportunities for celebration over the course of your marriage. Making that same special meal or treat, booking that favorite restaurant, filling the house with balloons, or putting on that song that kicks off a kitchen dance party – there’s no right or wrong. Whatever form they take, creating and carrying out rituals to mark celebrations becomes a constant thread that marks some of your happiest moments. Once established, they can signify the specialness of an event, help you recall happy memories, and even become part of a family tradition that gets passed on through the years.
3. The holiday ritual
One of the complex, yet rewarding parts of coming together as a married couple is figuring out what your holidays will look like. You both probably grew up with different traditions and ways of celebrating. Combining those – or creating new rituals altogether – is a great way to embrace your own identity as a couple. Sure, you might adopt some of the traditions of one or both of your families, but don’t be afraid to try new things or add your own unique spin to them. If you have children, this is also important in establishing a sense of family identity as well.
4. The daily ritual
These might be mistaken for the mundane parts of marriage, but don’t be fooled. They can actually be the glue that connects all the exciting ups and downs to the ho-hum parts of life as a married couple. Think of things like your perfectly coordinated execution of prepping coffee in the morning and then sitting down to enjoy it together, settling into the couch for a few quiet minutes of cuddling after the kids are in bed, or brushing your teeth together every night before crawling into bed for pillow talk. While they don’t seem exciting, they shape your day-to-day relationship through comforting moments that you can count on.
5. The dating ritual
This might sound rather specific, but it can actually encompass all kinds of things related to dating and romance with your spouse. It could simply be having a weekly date night, or it could be what you do to get ready for your date, what you do on the date, or after it. It might be going to a certain place for a certain occasion, or even a ritual you have to indicate to each other you want to go on a date. Continuing to date each other all throughout your marriage is important, and having rituals tied to it can help make that time spent together feel special.
6. The silly ritual
Nicknames that no one else knows about, an over-the-top secret handshake when your favorite sports teams get a win, a nonsensical phrase that originated from an inside joke years ago that means “I love you.” These are all examples of some lighthearted, yet meaningful rituals you might share in your marriage. Often they are started without intention, but the bond and “we”-ness they cultivate is priceless. These are the types of rituals that only come with a sense of friendship, longevity, and knowing each other well; you can’t fake them. They highlight the uniqueness of your relationship, strengthen your bond, and show affection.
What kinds of rituals do you have in your own marriage? Are there things you didn’t even think of as rituals, things you want to make sure you keep up, or new ones you’d like to create? How do you think they benefit your relationship? Let us know in the comments!
Cool, great stuff! Reminds me abit of one of principles (the Late) Dr. Jack Hayford shared when he keynoted GLASS -> CMTA convention (Gr8r LA Sun School / Cian Min. Teachers Assoc), which was to create FAMILY traditions (kids can do annually for years to come…) 🙂
Hi Jef, the late Jack Hayford’s ministry was a lifesaver to me in early marriage, though I’ve only accessed him on the Trinity broadcasting network. Where can I find the message you reference in your comment?* Remembering a great leader*.
Blessings.
What does it entail to become a Facilitator?
You have to take the training.
In my marriage every morning the dog and I walk him to the door and I give him a kiss goodbye. I tell the dog “say goodbye to your father” and my husband says “bye family” and I say “drive safely” and he says “ok”.
We used to walk the dog together every morning at 6am but I sleep in more often than I used to. Same with the after work walks, used to be daily and now are 4x/week.
We go to or wedding venue restaurant for dinner every anniversary.
I love this article! As a person who is enjoying a beautiful marriage, I can see where each of those “rituals” means something to my wife and me. I read ritual number 6 to my wife, and she just kept right on smiling because she was reminded of some of the silly stuff that we do. Awesome!
i fully agree , careful consideration need to taken for your spouse.
Love these simple, impactful rituals. My husband and I practice some of these daily and we also celebrate our anniversary each month. These little things have a great impact when you are trying to keep your marriage fresh!
Thanks so much for these great insights around rituals. In a society that is always looking for something new and fresh, it is a great reminder that some of our “daily grind” and yearly rituals are actually part of the glue, the bid, we forge with each other! Blessings
*the bond
Like DGS Above We’ve been celebrating our Anniversary every month for the last eight years.As a Man for me it gets overwhelming sometimes but my wife looks forward to it. We brush our teeth together at night and kiss good bye in the morning, mad upset or perturb about a last minute missunderstanding at night,we kiss n say goodbye. Let God be the glue that keeps You stuck together – He never fails.
I agree that all of this is so special about sharing life with a partner and really serves as those connections points for keeping your relationship strong. Thanks for the reminder on the importance of the small things and to keep paying attention to those.
Every once in a while, one of us declares “Friday Fryday” – Yep. French Fries on Friday. Nothing big. Not expensive. Not a huge time commitment. But we love it!
My wife and are still learning and growing (always will right) but we’re relatively young in marriage years, going on 5 next February, and it’s so cool to see some of the things we’ were doing already are rituals! We feel empowered to keep making them and one day our little boy can pick up some tools of the trade from his dear Mum and Dad! God’s way is always better.
We haven’t hit the wedding day quite yet, but my fiancee and I pray the rosary and do a daily devotional together each night before she heads home. This has really cemented our relationship. We both enjoy this special time together. And before she gets in her car to drive home, I always give her a big hug and a kiss, and tell her to drive carefully.
A word that we have chosen and that has given much meaning throughout our 53 year marriage is the word “YES!” We say it to each other audibly, we sign off messages to each other with it, we write it on Post-It notes and stick it on the bathroom mirror, a “thumbs up” across a crowded room means “Yes!!” For us “YES!” means “I love you”, “I’ve got your back”, “We can do this”, “You are my one and only”, “”I’m in this for the long haul”, “I’ll never leave you”, “You are special”, “I’m so happy I married you”. It’s a bonding word, much like good glue, that has never lost its connectedness.