Do you always have to leave the cabinet doors open? You’re hogging all the covers again! Shhh, can you just watch the movie instead of asking a million questions? Oh my gosh, you are so indecisive!
If you and your spouse don’t have habits that annoy each other, are you even married? Just kidding… kind of. The truth is, while the habits can vary greatly, the irritation can get real. Sometimes we could all use some extra help in handling them in positive ways. Here are six peacekeeping tips for dealing with those annoying habits.
1. Determine what really matters to you.
Is the habit actually having a negative effect on your feelings or wellbeing? Or is it just annoying because it’s not aligned with your preferences? If it’s the latter, then it probably will best serve your relationship to learn to let go of your irritation as quickly as it arises, which you’re probably already doing in most cases. If it’s the former, however, then see tip #2.
2. Communicate what bothers you in a respectful way.
If a habit is actually causing you some real distress, then it’s up to you to let your spouse know. Be honest about how their habit affects you, while remaining kind and respectful. They may not have even realized they were doing it, let alone how it was affecting you up until this point, so be willing to meet them in the middle. Don’t expect complete change overnight.
Bonus tip: Try to avoid using over-generalizations like “you always” or “you never” when bringing up each other’s habits. Although it might feel like an accurate depiction, it’s probably unlikely to actually be true. Your spouse might feel unfairly judged, which tends to evoke defensiveness and can derail the conversation.
3. Make an effort for each other.
This is a facet of #2. If your partner has expressed to you that a habit really bothers them, be willing to put in a genuine effort to curb it. Sometimes just knowing you’re both doing your best and not purposely trying to drive each other nuts is enough to temper annoyance and keep things lighthearted and peaceful.
4. Maintain a sense of humor.
Humor has a way of softening things. When you try to see the funny side of your spouse’s annoying habits, it can help you think of them as more endearing than exasperating. Being able to poke a little fun at each other – and yourselves – keeps things light. You might even find you develop some great inside jokes out of this, creating shared meaning you can bond over.
5. Keep things in perspective.
When you’re bubbling over with annoyance, it’s easy to get wrapped up in that feeling. Suddenly that thing they do is the single most irritating thing in the world. You might even get yourself worked up enough that you start feeling angry. This is a great time to take a breath and zoom out on the situation. In the grand scheme of things, how significant is this, really? More than likely, it’s not going to rank too highly.
6. Realize if it’s you, not them.
When you take a more objective view of the habit you find so annoying, you might come to the realization that maybe their habit isn’t actually that annoying after all. Maybe, for whatever reason, you’re having a reaction that is disproportionate to the offense. Perhaps it’s triggering you in some way or you’re already dealing with own emotions. Whatever the case, take ownership of your feelings and be willing to apologize if you overreacted.
For better or for worse, getting annoyed with each other’s habits is pretty much unavoidable in marriage. Most of the time, it’s not a big deal; we’re able to take it in stride and handle it with minimal conflict. But no one is perfect, and sometimes we can use some reminders for how to respond in ways that keep things harmonious and deescalate the situation.
ThankS! Great tips for peace-keeping with a bit of humor too!
“You always” and “you never” usually indicate old hurts left over one’s relationship with one’s opposite sex parent. Back in the 80s, Harville Hendrix wrote a book entitled, “Getting the Love You Want.” His imago therapy exercises were helpful to identifying similar “positive” and “negative” traits in one’s spouse that one identified in one’s own opposite sex parent. He urged that working on the relationship with the opposite sex parent would actually help spouses to know themselves and their spouse better. Each chapter in his book, which was meant to be read together, had communication exercises for the couple. Hendrix’s introduction explained how he arrived at this process. Still works 40 years later.
This is exceptional advice, which allows you to take an entire grand look at the “what and why.”
So good to read that it is actually common to get annoyed about each others‘ habits. In our case, we are only married for 3 years ( my second, his first time) . We didn’t live together before and there are many things that annoy me about his habits. I thought I was the only ‚critical‘ person in this world. My husband has no complaints about me in the annoying habbit department ,- as either I am doing things right around the place, or he is very tolerant. The only thing that annoys him is, that so many things about him, annoy me.
I enjoyed the Humor idea to make it a couples joke . I wonder though, if it is fair that I can expect changes from my partner in these little irritating things, or if I need to just let them go? Some of them do make me angry.
I can honestly say, that if I was criticised by habits that annoy him, I would welcome him telling me and I would try hard to change it.
Issy
Issy it seems a bit strange that he finds nothing that you do annoying….could it be that he’s passive and doesn’t express his feelings well? I mean, it sounds like you two are a good match and I’m sure you’re both fine people but any time two people are in relationship, it’s only a matter of time before their differences become apparent and irritating in some way. Some people tend to avoid conflict and keep their feelings inside, which seems easier at the time but is harmful to the relationship, as suppressed feelings tend to blow up eventually. Just my observation. Wishing you good health and continued happiness.
Yes Issy, I would agree with Kathy. It’s more likely that your spouse is keeping things in rather than expressing all his feelings about everything. It’s also possible that you would benefit from keeping things in perspective and deciding what’s really important so you’re not feeling irritated all the time. Often when I’m annoyed with my spouse, it’s more to do with my mindset and attitude. Unless it’s about something actually pivotal and then we talk about it.