Are you and your spouse a case of “opposites attract”? Being married to someone whose personality is very different from yours, whether it’s in almost every way or even just a trait or two, has its challenges. It’s easy to get wrapped up in those differences, especially when they cause friction in your relationship. Learning to manage your personality differences in productive ways that draw you closer to each other instead of driving you apart is key. Here are six essential tips for opposites:
1. Don’t try to change each other.
You might find yourself wishing your spouse was just a little less this or a little more that. You might think you can change them to be that way. Before you attempt to go down that road, it’s important to know that personality tends to stay pretty stable over time. Trying to change each other will likely be a waste of time and energy that leaves both of you feeling frustrated. Instead, invest that energy into a mindset of acceptance. After all, the traits that probably get on your nerves now are very likely the same ones that initially drew you to each other in the first place.
2. Show appreciation.
Remember when you were first dating and you could only see each other in the best light? When you focus on what you appreciate about each other’s personality, it’s like putting those rose-colored glasses back on. If you find yourself getting annoyed with your spouse, try flipping your perspective to see the positive side of that trait. Be intentional about expressing your appreciation for different aspects of each other’s personality. You’ll likely notice a positive cyclical effect throughout your interactions.
3. Communicate your needs.
Having different personalities usually means you‘ll have different needs when it comes to feeling balanced, energized, motivated, fulfilled, recharged, etc. Communicating these needs with each other clearly puts you both in the position to be able to support each other in the best way possible. Learning how to accommodate each other’s personality-related needs can become a very meaningful way to make each feel loved and understood.
4. Keep a sense of humor.
Chances are you occasionally get annoyed with aspects of your spouse’s personality. Well, guess what? They probably experience the same with you. It’s all good! It simply comes with the territory of knowing someone well. So don’t take yourselves too seriously. Maintaining a sense of humor instead of letting your irritation take over can help you keep things in perspective and smooth over any unnecessary conflict.
5. Allow yourself to be influenced by each other.
This doesn’t mean trying to change yourself to be like your partner. It’s more about about being flexible and willing to stretch outside of your comfort zone every now and then to meet your spouse where they’re at. This might mean going to a big social event you wouldn’t normally go to because it means a lot to your extroverted spouse. Or perhaps you’re normally not the most punctual person, but you make it a point to be on time for an appointment your spouse is anxious about. Your personality may not change, but that doesn’t mean you have to be stuck in your ways. The ability to be flexible will help you handle the challenges that pop up throughout your marriage.
6. Learn to leverage your differences.
The unique combination of your personalities makes you a one-of-a-kind couple. Learning to make this combo work in your favor is a strength-based mindset that will help you throughout many aspects of your marriage, from problem-solving, to parenting, to how you split up chores. When you learn to put your differences to work for you instead of fighting against them, you gain confidence both as individuals and as a couple – giving you a great foundation to grow together.
Sometimes we lose sight of the bigger picture – who our spouse is as a whole – and instead fixate on the traits that clash with our own. While trying to alter these aspects of our partner’s personality is a losing battle, incorporating these tips into your relationship can help you focus your energy on appreciation and acceptance instead.
Good pointer’s to acknowledge, remember and definitely apply. We can get so caught up in our own ways that we forget to see and respect our partner for who they are.
Excellent points, perspectives, insights and advice. These are things that are much more common than I think most people realize.
When it comes to marriage, you have to be on the same page. You and your spouse have to have the same outlook on life; you have to be able to see how the future is going to pan out for you as a couple. There’s a reason married couples, over time, begin to refer to themselves as “we” rather than “I”— marriage knots two lives together in the quest for a shared destiny.
So given the need for compatibility in marriages, wouldn’t it make sense to marry someone with whom you share a personality type? What could be more compatible than that? If two people are so fundamentally similar, surely marriage is a breeze?
Sure, it can be… but not always.
I think you can make your destiny rather than letting it happen. I think this blog is trying to deal with ‘whatis’ rather than ‘what should be’
I’m preparing for marriage and this advice seems very helpful and important for our relationship!! We are introvert/extrovert, but we’ve been respectful of each other’s ways and feelings, very important!!! Looking forward to applying these excellent ideas to our marriage 👩❤️👨☝️🙌🫶🙏
Remember, people do things to meet their own needs, not necessarily to hurt another. We always want to be on the same team, especially if we have children, so as was said try to use each other’s strengths to make a stronger “team”. Always remember what drew you to each other. Sometimes it was an opposite personality style that seemed attractive when you were dating, what you were lacking in yours. It’s still there, don’t let it become an annoyance now.
“It’s still there, don’t let it become an annoyance now.”
I like this. Well-said. Good perspective to hold onto and continuously grow into!
Frederic, here are my thoughts in response to yours. Marriage is meant to be a blessing, not a breeze. The lesson from the creation accounts points out that, yes, we are similar in that we are all made in the image of God, but we are also created different, just look at our bodies. Note Jesus’ reference to these accounts when asked about divorce and marriage in Matt 19/Mark 10.
Also, consider the Body of Christ where differences are meant to strengthen the Body. Sacrificial love means serving someone NOT like me. Yes, compatibility is called for at the foundation, but to make compatibility the theme throughout every aspect of a relationship would work contrary to the way God set things up. And I have to remind myself that He is a little smarter than I am.