The holidays are a-knocking. Are you and your spouse ready to answer the door? Or are you hiding in the basement with the lights off?
That might sound dramatic, but the reality is, holidays can be a source of conflict for many couples. One of the most common issues revolves around how, where, or with whom they’ll celebrate. Can you relate? Do you have different ideas for how you should spend them? Does it feel like you’re caught in the middle of both of your families? Is it causing conflict between the two of you? If you’re interested in how you can reach a compromise, we’ve got some practical steps for working through it together.
Reflect on the issues.
Take some time to reflect separately on where you stand in regards to how you spend the holidays. Where do you feel pressure or obligations? What stresses you out? What do you feel are the main points of conflict between you and your spouse? Jot down notes if you need to, then come together to share your reflections. If this is a contentious topic for the two of you, come to the discussion with an open mind, ready to listen. You might gain some new insight into your disagreements or why your spouse feels the way he/she does.
Pick your priorities.
Once you’ve had a chance to get everything on the table, think about what’s most important to each of you. You might settle on one or two separate priorities, but don’t forget to consider what matters most to you as a couple and as a family of your own. For example, your partner might prioritize spending Christmas Eve with his/her large family because that’s the only time they all get together, whereas Thanksgiving might be a bigger deal to you. Or you might both agree that you don’t want to travel every year when your kids are small. You may be pleasantly surprised to find out that you’re actually on the same page about a few things – that’s great! You’ll also likely pinpoint exactly where you’re at odds, which leads us to…
Brainstorm ways to compromise.
The word “compromise” here is important, as it’s unlikely you’ll both get everything you want (especially if you have several areas of disagreement). Think of this as problem-solving as a team instead of negotiating to get the best deal for yourself. Settle on a couple of options to try out that account for each of your priorities, and remember that you’re not locked into one solution forever. Agree to check in with each other afterwards to talk about what worked and what didn’t. Hold space for each other to adjust to change and to process any emotions that come with it.
Establish boundaries.
In your initial discussion, you may have discovered that there is a lot of pressure that comes from outside your relationship to spend the holidays a certain way. It could be parents or in-laws subtly (or not so subtly) laying on the guilt if you don’t celebrate with them. If you’re in a blended family, there may be multiple celebrations you feel obligated to try to attend. Of course, you can try to do it all, but you and your spouse (and children if you have them) may end up feeling burnt out, resentful, and miss out on actually enjoying the holidays. This is when it’s necessary to create boundaries, which ultimately protect the energy, time, resources, and priorities of your own family. Boundaries might look like limiting the time spent at a relative’s house, saying no to some invitations, or opting out of certain activities. You and your spouse will need to work together to figure out what feels right for you and your family.
Create new traditions.
If you’re having trouble letting go of long-standing traditions, that’s understandable. After all, they provide a sense of comfort, connection, and belonging that’s hard to replicate. However, creating new traditions and shared meaning with your spouse provides these same benefits. It doesn’t mean you have to scrap everything you’ve known, but don’t be afraid to try something new or veer from your usual path. After all, every tradition was new at one point, and establishing them doesn’t happen overnight. They usually evolve and adapt as families and relationships grow and change, so expect periods of transition just like in other areas of your relationship
Holiday-related conflict is tough. It’s a hectic time in general, further complicated by external family dynamics and obligations. When this puts your and your partner at odds, it can make what should be a joy-filled time a source of tension. Hopefully by working through these steps, you can start celebrating more while stressing and fighting less.
Even though we’ve been together for over a year, this will be the first time we’ve spent a holiday together. Fir the past year, he has caused an argument that lead to us being apart for the holidays. We have never celebrated any holidays together. We’ll only Father’s Day last yr. So this should be interesting
Rodetria, You are getting this info I am assuming because you participated in a Christian marital preparation. Why don’t you and your spouse trust God on this one. Take several slips of paper and write out all the different possibilities of getting together with family for both Christmas and Thanksgiving. Then, fold them up, spend 3 or more days in prayer with the understanding that whatever is decided is God’s will and have HIM choose a slip of paper.
A second solution is to recognize your husband’s headship of the family and for the sake of family peace, let him decide. As an older woman, I am learning humility doing this at this stage of my life. Be humble good woman!