Having children is often considered one of the most rewarding parts of marriage. While that may be true, it can also be one of the most challenging, testing your relationship with your spouse in ways you’ve never experienced before. Raising children isn’t easy, even if you were to agree on every aspect of it. So when you disagree, it can feel like a wedge between you. Why do parenting disagreements tend to carry such weight? And what are some tips to turn those disagreements into opportunities to come out stronger? Let’s take a look.
That’s how you were raised
For new parents, it’s natural to look to your own upbringing as a reference point for your own style of parenting. Sure, you can ask your friends how they do it or look to the internet for the latest parenting trends, but your family of origin experiences are deeply ingrained in you. Whether intentional or not, you might carry those things into your own parenting, and your spouse might do the same. If your experiences were actually very different, clashes might ensue.
Taking things personally
“Did you give the kids a snack before dinner?” Sometimes an innocent question or comment from your partner can feel like a personal dig. You might then jump into defensive mode, criticizing them in return, when really it was just a question. The reality is, we often have triggers or insecurities that relate to our perceived parenting abilities. Most parents often question whether they’re doing a good enough job. Should I be doing this differently? Why can’t I be better at standing my ground? Am I screwing up my kids? When these insecurities are triggered, the knee-jerk reaction can be to lash out at your spouse, causing the issue at hand to become an ongoing argument between you.
Whose team are you on?
When there’s a third party involved in marital conflict, things can get messy pretty quickly. In this case, your child(ren) can fall into that role, fueling the opportunity for a “you vs. your spouse” dynamic to take root. For example, maybe your toddler acts out much more with one of you or your pre-teen has been going around one of you to who they perceive as the more lenient parent. If you fall into the habit of thinking you’re on competing teams, whether it’s based on who your kid favors more or who’s parenting “correctly,” it can be pretty detrimental to your relationship over time.
Easier said than done
Knowing how you want to handle something and having the best of intentions for a situation are one thing. Executing your plans perfectly in the heat of the moment is another story. When you’re sleep deprived, emotional, or frustrated with your child, it can be hard sticking to your guns. Maybe you want to try out a plan to get your kid to stay in their own bed. Your partner has different thoughts about it, but is willing to give it a try. In the middle of the night, you’re both at wit’s end. You’re both feeling frustrated with the situation and questioning everything. It’s easy to take that out on each other and start throwing around blame.
Come out stronger
While these are all prime reasons why parenting can cause tension in your marriage, they can also be opportunities to grow together, too. Here are some tips for strengthening your relationship through parenting challenges:
- Have an intentional discussion before kids enter the picture about what type of parents you’d like to be, what discipline looked like in your own families, and what you want to carry over into your future family or leave behind. Sure, when the reality of parenthood sets in, you might end up changing your mind, and that’s okay. An early discussion simply gives you a common starting point and provides you both with a better understanding of where the other is coming from.
- Always keep a teammate mentality at the forefront. This means presenting a united front to your kids, even when you might disagree. It means supporting and having each other’s back during challenging parenting moments and phases. Remember that you share the same goal of being the best parents you can be, so try to give each other the benefit of the doubt when you aren’t seeing eye to eye.
- Communicate about your insecurities and struggles. Getting vulnerable with each other about the tough parts of parenting counteracts the cycle of getting defensive and criticizing each other. When you’re in tune with this side of your spouse, you’re able to be more empathetic and give each other the support and encouragement you both need.
- Take time to reflect after a tough situation. Maybe your child’s behavior had you yelling at each in public or saying some choice words to each other in front of the kids. You’e only human. If it had a strong impact on you, take time to discuss what happened when you’ve both calmed down. It gives you a chance to talk about what you can do differently in the future and make any necessary relationship repair.
Marriage is hard, and so is parenting. The two combined can be even harder. While there are many reasons why parenting-related disagreements test your relationship, having insight into why, and how you can leverage them to be a stronger couple can ensure this is a test you pass with flying colors.
Great post that really captures the parenting issues. My husband viewed me as the enemy against him with the kids when we disagreed about their behavior. He was a much stricter parent than I was and this caused huge problems in our relationship. We did not realize until we really began analyzing our relationship that our families of origin, which looked similar on the outside, were really different on the inside and we were each parenting as we had been raised. I wish I had read this when our kids were small.
Maybe we could have something about parenting in a blended family.
I agree. I struggle with the fact that I want to teach my husband’s son the right way but he is afraid to parent him because he doesn’t want to upset him. I get angry that my husband refuses to enforce the most basic rules regardless of how it makes me feel. As a result his son has zero life skills and is being set up for failure. His son thinks he doesn’t have to listen to me so I have stopped trying and just count down the days until he is an adult and don’t have to deal with it anymore.
Jennifer, been there done that! Like playing doubles vs singles tennis. We as parents, especially as step parents need to be on the same side of the net. As a team! May also help to do a personality profile on each child, because each may have to be patented differently. And asd a step parent, it would help to understand your non-biological child. Coaching the home team and sometimes the visitors.
The Parenting Version of Prepare-Enrich is also insightful as it will profile each parent’s parenting style and each parent’s style with up to four children. Different items and scales than regular P-E. Give it a try!