When was the last time you or your spouse spent separate time with your own friends? Maybe it’s a phone call to catch up or weekend away. Maybe it’s a weekly occurrence or seems like a rare treat. Wherever you fall right now, the fact is that nurturing outside friendships is good for you – and your marriage. Here are a few reasons why.
You’ll find fulfillment that allows you to bring more to your marriage.
You probably have interests, hobbies, and passions that your spouse doesn’t share. Maybe you’re feeling burnt out from the responsibilities of work or home life and need some time to recharge your batteries. Connecting with good friends and investing in those friendships can boost us in ways we didn’t know we needed. It provides an additional outlet to pursuing things that keep us growing and evolving, filling your cup so that you’re energized and ready to bring your full self to your relationship.
You’ll practice relationship skills.
Empathy, respect, emotional intelligence, being a good listener. You try to practice all of these things in your friendships, right? Now think about your marriage. We should put effort into these same skills with our spouse, but for some reason, they tend to get the short end of the stick. Whether it’s because we’re so comfortable with them or we’re simply around them so much more, we can get a little lazy in terms of treating them with the same regard we offer a good friend. Nurturing outside friendships gives us the opportunity to keep these relational skills fresh and carry them over into our marriage when we need the extra reminder.
You’ll gain new perspectives.
Whether it’s their view on current events or a challenge you’re facing with a coworker, friends can help you see things through a different lens, giving you a more well-rounded perspective. They can offer insight and advice that your spouse just might not be able to provide in a certain situations, or maybe that you’re just not able to hear. Applied to your marriage, being open to new perspectives is crucial when it comes to handling conflicts, navigating a compromise, or simply problem-solving an issue you’re facing together.
You’ll maintain your own sense of identity.
In a healthy marriage, there is a balance between “I” and “we”, between time spent together and time spent apart. Outside friendships helps you achieve that. You’ll both be able to pursue separate interests and adventures with your friends, and come back together with new stories and experiences to share with each other. You’ll be better able to grow and evolve as individuals allowing you to bring your best selves to a dynamic couple relationship, instead of falling into co-dependent patterns.
A caveat
When we talk about investing in friendships outside of our marriage, we mean healthy friendships, not toxic ones. Good friends are supportive of you and your marriage, honor your relationship with your spouse, align with your values, and contribute to your life in a positive way.
A tip
Supporting each other in nurturing friendships is key. You might need to have a conversation about what balance feels like in terms of each of you spending time separate time with friends. It you have children, there’s a lot more coordination involved, so communication is critical.
Sometimes we might say our spouse is our “everything”, but they can’t be our only thing. When we put that sort of pressure on ourselves or each other, it can feel paralyzing or constricting. This often results in the opposite of the intended effect as we’re less able to focus our energy in the right places to truly be the partner our spouse needs. That’s why cultivating friendships outside of marriage is such an important part of enriching yourselves as individuals – and ultimately enriching your relationship.
Interesting. I have never thought of having time away from my spouse to do something fun with a close friend. Neither has my spouse. That is because we don’t have any close friends. We are our own best friends. Now in our 70s, me in my upper and she in her lower, we still have no one else that we do fun things together. We have acquaintances, that we are friendly with, for example at church, and go out to a meal once in a while with them, but they are really not close friends by any means.
I am a retired pastor and was told by my local pastor at the time I was off to seminary to never get close to anyone in the church. I did once as a young pastor and got burned and fired. I never got close to anyone else again. Yes, I was friendly and worked with the leadership but never close. Neither did my spouse. I found this article intriquing that others were encouraged to go off and do something fun with a friend.
My wife and I are both somewhat introverts and like being by ourselves most of the time. But it would be nice sometime in our lifetime to find a friend in which we could confide once in a while.
Thanks again.
Richard, I purposed in my heart to reach out to someone once a month for a cup of coffee or tea to cultivate a new friendship. Each of them did not become a closer friend but I really did connect with one person who we now regularly talk on the phone and enjoy lunch or visiting one another now and then. I’m sure if you reach out, there’s at least one person you can develop a friendship with and occasionally enjoy a little time with. Praying for that door to open for you! Blessings!
Outside friendships were nice when we were younger but my hubby never had many outside friends. I would find myself telling too much of our problems to friends and that is what needed to be said between my hubby and me. So I got a job and he stayed home to get that out going energy out and now that we are older and retired we stay together more than with others.
Twenty-five years in, so not an expert by any means. My husband and I are both extroverts, best friends and we share similar interests so enjoy being together. Both of us have work and hobbies that we are passionate about and this has created natural space for us to develop friendships with people whom we invite into our couple space and also those whom we do not for various reasons. Because I am so social, and have deep and longtime friendships–I have enjoyed having connections with my girlfriends in a way that honored my marriage. This said, I have also encouraged my husband to have a space with his friend circle of e.g. technology, golf, sports, etc. but he was okay to just be with me. As we matured in “our” marriage, my husband developed friendships that have blessed his life and mine. A girl’s trip, a golf adventure with the guys or couple retreat and vacation create spaces for us to enjoys areas of our lives that may best be experienced apart and/or together. While my husband will go to the spa with me and actually get a pedicure with me, I prefer getting my nails done with a girlfriend. As a facilitator, I encourage couples to build trust and accountability measures around friendships outside of the marriage. It is good to expand your boundaries via fellowship where applicable, as desired (by one spouse of both), and where appropriate.
While this is a great idea in theory, we have found that the older we get (57 and 55), the less time we like spending with friends, and the more time we like spending with our adults kids and grandkids. I maybe get together with male only friends, once or twice a year and the same goes with my wife, but with female friends of course! 🙂 My wife and I have been married for 35 years and we believe this is a natural progression in life and your sphere of friends just naturally gets smaller. Especially if you have adult kids and grandkids. The one caveat I would add with friends, is we have always believed and practiced, no opposite gender friends are to be a part of our lives. Now I’m not saying we don’t have friends of the opposite gender, but I am saying that those friendships are not close and personal friendships. We believe there are four things it protects our marriage from, 1.) Protection from Sexual Sin, 2.) Being the Main Person to Fulfill Your Spouse’s God-given Needs, 3.) Conversations Reserved for Your Spouse, and 4.) Who Do You Allow to Influence Your Marriage?
My husband and I believe every couple should have at least 3 sets of ‘couple’ friends. 1) A couple that are your peers that you can hang out with occasionally and have fun. 2) A couple that you admire look up to and can garner tips or advice of you need it. 3) A couple that you can mentor or be a positive example for their relationship. We have a couples group with 3 other couples that we do something with quarterly and A trip every other year. We also go to marriage ministry at church so we can stay connected and get to know couples at church (we used to lead the marriage ministry). We believe it’s important for others to see positive marriages that work well and because God has blessed us with that, we don’t dim our light. While I have a few girlfriends that I occasionally connect with, my husband has a couple of friends that he may call every now and then for birthdays and holidays. Occasionally, he does do golf with a friend or 2. We enjoy a full rounded life.