When You Can’t Let It Go

We’ve all been there. Your spouse commits a seemingly small offense – maybe a comment comes out wrong, they make an inconvenient mistake, or show a lack of consideration – and you just can’t let it go. You ruminate and stew and dwell on it. Just when you’ve almost forgotten about it, you think about it again and a fresh wave of emotion arises. Even if you know logically that it’s not a big deal, something keeps you holding on. You just can’t let it go.

You don’t want to feel this way – angry, annoyed, or resentful towards your spouse for something you know is inconsequential. So what’s going on? Often, it’s tied to a deeper issue. Here are four things to reflect on when you find yourself in this situation.

What am I actually feeling?

Right off the bat, you’re probably irritated, annoyed, or mad. But if you dig a bit deeper past those surface emotions, you might find they’re a symptom or result of something else – maybe feeling hurt, vulnerable, unseen, or even unloved. When you can get to the root of your reaction and uncover your true emotions, you’re better able to reflect on the following questions.

Is it hitting on a personal trigger?

Everyone has issues or topics that they’re sensitive about. They can stem from childhood, past experiences or trauma, unresolved conflicts, or other emotional and mental struggles. While the source can vary greatly, they usually all have one thing in common: they elicit some kind of reaction when they’re touched upon. And this might be the very reason why you’re having such a hard time moving past this minor offense. It’s normal to have an emotional reaction to these things, and learning about this part of yourself is an ongoing process. When you’re able to take a step back and recognize when something is hitting a hotspot, you’ll feel more in control of your response.

Is it tied to a past hurt?

Sometimes small annoyances feel much bigger because they’re tied to past hurts or conflicts within your relationship with your spouse. Let’s say they completely forgot to ask you how your huge work presentation went. It’s seems like an innocent mistake, and you know they were not intentionally trying to hurt you. But you had a major conflict about how you’ve shown support to each other in the past. You both invested a lot of emotional energy into working through it, and so it stings that much more when there’s a perceived regression. You have a history together, and that means today’s actions are tied to past issues, even if you’ve largely resolved them. It adds a layer of complexity to our emotional responses that we can’t always control.

Is there something I need to communicate to my spouse?

We’ve talked a lot about expectations on this blog and the massive effect they can have on your marriage – particularly when they’re unmet. One of the most common reasons for unmet expectations? They haven’t been communicated. If you find yourself stewing over something they did, reflect on whether you’re reacting to an expectation you had that they failed to meet. Then ask yourself – did I communicate this expectation to them? If you can’t recall or are unsure, there’s a good chance you didn’t. Take responsibility for that. You can be disappointed that your expectations weren’t met, while also recognizing that your spouse didn’t have a fair opportunity to meet them. Being honest about your feelings and owning your part of the situation is a good way to start the conversation.

Emotions are tricky. Your head can tell you one thing (It’s not that big of a deal! I shouldn’t be this mad!), but that doesn’t stop the feelings from bubbling up. And when it starts having a negative effect on your relationship in the form of resentment or unnecessary conflict, that’s a problem. Sometimes a little self-reflection is all you need to sort out a seemingly disproportionate emotional response so that you let it go.