The Power of a Do-Over

In a lot of circumstances, you only get one shot. Heck, life itself is a perfect example (YOLO!) It can create a lot of pressure to get things right the first time. But no one is perfect, and when we fail, it can be a tough pill to swallow. When it’s possible and appropriate, a second chance can be just what we need to turn an ordinary or negative situation into something more. Let’s explore the power of a do-over in the context of marriage.

A powerful learning experience

When it comes to marriage, you can only learn so much from reading a book or a listening to a podcast. Most of the learning comes from the experience of being in it – of living through the ordinary situations and messiness of real life; of feeling the feelings and how they affect your behavior and choices in the moment. It’s one thing to read about and understand logically the best way to respond to a situation. It’s another to be able to execute that in the middle of an emotional discussion or argument. If you get it wrong in real-time, it can feel like a missed opportunity, leaving you regretfully mulling over what you wish you would have done or said differently.

That’s why requesting a do-over in the moment can be an impactful way to quickly course-correct an interaction. Maybe you said something in a snippier tone than you meant to. Perhaps you recognized your defensiveness as the statement was leaving your mouth. Having the awareness to stop and say, “That’s not how I wanted to respond to you. Can I try that again?” allows you to identify and correct your mistake right away. You’re able to avoid veering into an argument and feeling disconnected or hurt after a negative interaction.

A powerful example

If you have children, you probably know how easily they pick up on and often imitate the things you say and do. Whether you’re at your best or worst, they’re constantly taking note of how you and your spouse treat each other. That means you’re in the very influential position of modeling the do-over in the context of a loving and respectful relationship. What might they learn by seeing you recognize and take responsibility for a less-than-thoughtful response? Or by hearing your partner grant you a chance to try it again?

While observing parental interactions is powerful in itself, you can also incorporate do-overs into direct interactions with your children. Just as with our partner, we sometimes lose patience with our kids and respond to them ways we regret. Maybe it’s losing your cool and raising your voice when your toddler is being particularly challenging or not practicing the same respect toward your teen that you’ve instilled in them. What if you said, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that. Can I try that again?” Sometimes as parents it can seem like we need to appear as if we always know what we’re doing, not letting our kids see us make mistakes. Asking for a second chance to respond to them in the way you meant to or should have shows them that everyone – even you – makes mistakes. Telling them that owning up to mistakes is important is one thing, but actually showing them how to do it makes a much bigger impression.

A powerful way to show love

On the other side of requesting a do-over is granting one, which can be an exercise in patience and understanding in itself. You might not always feel like giving your partner a free chance to correct their mistake. Maybe what they said or did sparked your own anger or defensiveness. Perhaps part of you wants to call them out on their slip-up, or it feels like they’re getting a free pass. But put yourself in their shoes – how good does it feel when someone gives you a chance to correct your own mistake, without having to point it out themselves?

Learning to give each other grace in the form of a do-over is a way to acknowledge your spouse’s good intentions and give each other the benefit of the doubt. When done reciprocally, it creates a dynamic of acceptance and empathy that can transform the way you work through conflict and make each other feel loved.

Caveat: There are situations in which do-overs might not be appropriate, such as in cases of toxic relationship patterns or abuse. Seek professional help if necessary.