It sounds like an oxymoron. Complaining doesn’t usually get associated with being productive. But in the context of your relationship, complaining is actually preferable to the damage of criticism.
Renowned marriage researcher and therapist John Gottman has pinpointed what he calls the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – four communication habits that can be predictive of divorce with a shocking 90% accuracy. You guessed it, one of the Horsemen is criticism.
Now for the good news: as we mentioned earlier, complaining is the healthier alternative to criticism. It helps ensure you’re both making an effort and can be an antidote to complacency. Want to complain more productively? Keep these tips in mind:
- Make it about a specific action or situation – not the person.
According to Gottman, the most damaging part of criticism is that it’s an attack on your partner’s character – who they are. If you’re unhappy with who they are as a person, well, that’s pretty hard to change. (“You’re such a slob!”) They’re probably going to feel hurt or angry in response. In contrast, if you keep the complaint focused on a specific action or behavior, that’s more easily fixable: “I tripped over your shoes by the door. Can you please put them away?” - Use “I/we” statements.
Minimizing the use of “you” can aid in avoiding the slippery slope into criticism. Speaking in first person makes it easier to take responsibility for your own feelings in the matter, such as, “Ugh, I’m feeling overwhelmed by this messy house!” Similarly, using “we” reinforces the mentality of being on the same team and working to improve something together: “We need to come up with a cleaning schedule.” - Keep it in the here and now.
Randomly complaining about something your partner did last summer probably isn’t the best use of your energy. What’s done is done; they can’t go back in time and undo it. If it’s about a behavior that’s still happening now, try to keep your complaint in the present context as well: “Honey, I’m still tripping over your shoes.” - Be mindful of your tone.
So often, it’s not what you say but how you say it that makes such a difference in the way it’s received. Keep it light and playful. Maintain a sense of humor if you can. Being able to laugh together about your foibles is a bonding opportunity. Consider the difference between saying, “How about remembering the milk this time?” in a biting tone or jokingly sticking a post-it to your partner’s head that says Milk!
While we’re not condoning replacing positive affirmations with complaints, complaints in place of criticism can be productive instead of debilitating to the health of your relationship. It’s a small tweak that can help you both feel less attacked – and more loved and supported – by your partner, opening the door to even more improvements in the way you communicate.
I absolutely agree. Complaining is a healthier alternative to critiscm. I’d choose a complaint thoughtfully served over criticism, any day.
I love the idea of complaining productively
Thank you.
I agree with most all of your suggestions and materials. I have been doing counseling with couples for over 30 years and use most of them already.
I have some conversation cards already, (another kind than yours) and I do not use them. I would like to purchase yours but do not need the bundle.
I have most of the info included in the bundle. Could I ever just purchase the conversation cards?
Hi Sandi – Yes, you can purchase just the cards! They are listed on our store here (first product listing.) Thanks!
Great keys to keep in mind and share. I especially like the one about keeping a sense of humor. My husband continues to be great at keeping that, which helps me so much!
This is helpful, but sometimes challenging to apply. For most of us we are slow learners! But thank you for the helpful
tips and tools.
Your suggestions are spot on. However, this is one of the biggest area of contention between me and my wife. She does not believe in putting things away when she is finished using it, does not properly chose containers (there have been several instances of things being spilled in the refrigerator and unfortunately I’m the one who noticed it and end up cleaning the mess up), does not believe in cleaning up after herself, does not believe in using coasters on wooden furniture, and the list goes on. In her mind home is a place get relaxation and it Ford not matter how it looks. When I autocracy things a as you suggested, her response is, “That’s your opinion and who says that’s right. “ It does not matter what the why is behind my suggestion she’s just not budging. On occasions I feel like I’m a maid because if I do not clean up after her, things will remain that way for days. Then I bring it to her attention, her response is to extend grace. I love her to pieces, but I would like to see her become intentional in helping out.
Complaining can be regarded as a backhand way of saying because I believe you love me I need you to hear what I’m expecting of you. Taking that way we can treat one another’s complaints as bids for affection that will lead to greater intimacy, right?