Disappointment is pretty much a part of life. Maybe you’re disappointed in a movie you had high hopes for or in the way your homemade cheesecake turned out. You might feel displeased for a short period of time, but it’s nothing you’ll lose sleep over. Other times, disappointment can run deeper, such as when someone you love – like your spouse – lets you down in a way that feels significant and personal. In these situations, you may not get over it so quickly. So what should you do?
Let’s run down some of the do’s and don’ts of experiencing disappointment in your marriage.
When you’re disappointed in your spouse…
- DO reflect on your own role in feeling disappointed. Disappointment usually stems from unmet expectations, so take time to assess whether your own expectations might be fueling your disappointment. Were they too high or unreasonable? Were they unclear or not communicated to your spouse? Be willing to take some responsibility if any of these were the case. You might still feel disappointed, and that’s okay. You can’t always control your feelings, but you can think about how you might adjust your expectations to help you avoid disappointment in the future.
- DON’T bottle up your frustration. This can turn to resentment, which can cause more problems down the road. Instead, try to communicate your feelings respectfully, going into it with a mindset of sharing your perspective versus blaming or attacking. Keep in mind, you can share your feelings while also owning up to your own contribution to the problem. This might sound like, “I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to spend much downtime together this weekend, but I also didn’t tell you I was needing that, so that’s my fault.”
When your spouse is disappointed in you…
- DO acknowledge their feelings. Even though it’s likely you had no intention of letting them down, their feelings are real. Take a step back from the situation and try to empathize with your spouse’s perspective. Taking the empathetic path can help you and your spouse maintain a team mindset, instead of devolving into a “you versus them” dynamic.
- DON’T get immediately defensive. It’s a natural instinct to protect ourselves when we’re confronted with the fact that we may have fallen short, but try not to lash out or shift blame as an automatic response. Instead, hear out what your spouse has to say, focus on sharing your own perspective using “I” statements, and take responsibility for any way in which you might have contributed to the situation. This might sound like, “I hear your disappointment. I didn’t realize you had planned to relax together this weekend, but I should have checked in with you before making other plans.”
When you’re disappointed in yourself…
- DO share your struggles with your spouse. Even if your self-disappointment stems from something that happened in your marriage, working through it together is better than trying to navigate it alone. You might find they are also struggling with guilt over the way a situation was handled between the two of you, or they may be able to ease your mind and help you move forward.
- DON’T expect perfection. Sometimes we have a tendency to be our own biggest critic. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and that includes you and your spouse. While reflecting on the past can help you learn and grow, dwelling on how you’ve messed up can often prevent that from happening. You can’t change what’s already happened, but you can choose to learn from the situation and move on in a productive way.
Disappointment in marriage is bound to arise. In the moment it can feel like things are going wrong or you’re failing in some way, but this usually isn’t the case. You’re both human – you’ll make mistakes, hold faulty expectations, and miscommunicate – it’s all part of a close relationship. When you learn to handle it productively and work through it together, it becomes a great opportunity to get recalibrated and aligned on an issue before it becomes a bigger problem.
If you have no expectations then you can’t be disappointed. Problem solved.
Hmmm. In my opinion, I would have a pretty sad relationship if I had no expectations at all. Expectations can be reasonable, and also adjustable. It works for me.
I agree with you!
I think you may have missed my sarcasm based on the article. Only way to adjust expectations to not be disappointed is to lower them. Hence lower them so they don’t exist. In my opinion, expectations breed anxiety and insecurity on my partner. When expectations, even lowered are not met, resentment and other negative feelings creep in. Unfortunately, the article doesn’t go into great detail on examples and tools to use. Every relationship is different with various dynamics.
I would have to agree with Mary. I expect my potential spouse to be a gentleman. I expect him to be faithful. I expect him to provide for me after he dies. Silly ME!!
So your potential spouse does all those things. That is great. I hold myself to the same standard but that it is expected because that is what I should do.
What about your potential spouses expectations? Can you deliver on all his expectations? What if the expectations are things you are not good at or do not want to do? Do you lower your expectations and does he?
My argument is not to be indifferent and I don’t take what my partner hands out.
Simply, if I expect my partner to cook every night because they are home all day and they don’t. Then what? Argue? Just accept it? Compromise to only three days a week? It is a slippery slope for one person to get burned and the other has no responsibility or deliver on expectations.
It breeds resentment to the person living up to the expectations imposed by the other.
I understand that lowering or having no expection seems that it can provide more calm. But it can also mean you are totally indifferent to any situation. And you will take anything the other person hands out. lI expect my potential spouse to keep his word. Plans change which is not a big deal but for major issues I do have expections.
Hello all,
Disappointment is a very easy stumbling block for most relationships, even our friendships, or relations with parents and siblings. There are so many variables in which a situation can lead to disappointment. Also, there as just as many variables to how people handle conflict. Some fight, flee, destroy, or breakdown. There is no, one size fits all, when working with others. But the thing we all can work on, weather you are disappointed in someone or disappointing another, is to slow down, try to get to the root of the problem, know your audience, find the common goal, and remember who the person is to you (we often take the protect self).
I am a very playful, high energy, and like to tackle problems on the spot and can easily move past issues.
My wife is very serious, and feels things much more deeply, this makes the highs very high, and the lows very low.
We compliment each other very much and definitely fulfill each other.
Here are some tips of how we handle these situations.
1. We have a very brief conversation of the problem (I didn’t appreciate what you said, or the way you said it, or specific words)
2. We acknowledge the problem being presented
3. We both take about 10 – 20 minutes doing a task, taking this time you should be preparing your thoughts. (cleaning, taking a nap, playing a game, getting the kids ready, cooking, it can be anything)
4. Then come back and have about a more in depth conversation. With the goal of connecting with each other. Get to be more like minded. (if this is a serious thing, someone need to be more serious and the other may need to be more loose)
Let us all remember that we are the clay still be made into the master pieces of God, and we are all made differently, but we are all wonderful in the way we were made. Let us treat each other with respect and love.
May you all be blessed, may you all be peacemakers, may you all be the light at all times, but shine the most in the darkness.