The Complexities of Forgiveness

I forgive you. Is forgiveness as simple as saying those three words? Occasionally, it might be. Other times, it’s much more complicated.

The truth is, forgiveness is a crucial part of a lifelong marriage. You will inevitably experience and inflict hurts in your marriage. Without forgiveness, however, your relationship can become brittle and bogged down by the anger and resentment of those past wounds. Learning to embrace the various aspects of forgiveness opens you up to the possibility of peace, growth, and even a stronger marriage.

While the benefits of forgiveness seem straightforward enough, forgiveness itself can actually be quite complex. Let’s explore some of the reasons why.

1. There’s a discrepancy between your head and heart.

Sometimes you might want to to forgive your spouse, but deep down you’re still holding onto resentment. Logically, you want to move on, but you can’t make your emotions match that desire. On the flip side, perhaps your spouse has fully forgiven you, but you’re having a hard time forgiving yourself. In either situation, there are still emotions that are preventing one or both of you from truly moving forward from the situation. Emotions are hard to change, even if you want to, which can be frustrating and confusing.

2. It operates on its own timeline.

Related to the previous point, you can’t rush forgiveness, whether you’re the person granting it or receiving it. In some situations, it’s more of a journey than an action that can be checked off quickly. That journey might be shared or personal. It can take days, weeks, or sometimes even years. Whatever the case, it’s a process that can only happen with enough time. This doesn’t mean your relationship is on the rocks up until the point of full forgiveness. Life and marriage continue to move forward as the journey of forgiveness unfolds.

3. It can require intention – or not.

For major betrayals or larger transgressions, forgiveness often requires a certain degree of intention and emotional “work.” That might mean you and your spouse working through deeper issues together or separately. Or it could mean seeing a marriage counselor or talking to your pastor. Now think about the small lapses in judgment or consideration that you might experience (or commit) in your day to day life. You might not even realize that you’re actually forgiving each other as quickly as the incident occurs; you do it without even thinking about it.

4. It can be tied to deeper issues.

Sometimes you experience the discrepancy we talk about in #1, and you wonder why you’re having such a hard time forgiving your spouse or yourself. Often an offense can cut extra deep when it touches on personal triggers, past hurts, or insecurities. This can complicate the situation. Suddenly, you’re not only trying to work through the issue at hand, but also an issue from your past that you never really resolved.

Shifting your mindset around forgiveness 

Sometimes you might think of forgiveness as the action that follows up an apology. And yes, there is a practical, actionable aspect to it. However, it’s much more dynamic than that. It’s not a static occurrence with a clear cut beginning and end. It can’t be checked off a to-do list like a completed chore. Much like communication or resolving conflict, it’s a thread that’s woven throughout your relationship,. It will continue to change and evolve, requiring different amounts of energy and intention over the course of your marriage.