Parenting Struggles You Can’t Prepare For

When you’re soon-to-be new parents, people can’t wait to tell you all about what to expect. Get as much sleep as you can now! They grow up so fast. The days are long, but the years are short. Just wait until they’re toddlers! Kids are so much work, but they bring so much joy!

If you’re like most people, you probably try to balance realistic expectations with your own rose-tinted ones, tucking away select pieces of advice and letting others go in one ear and out the other. You research and purchase baby gear, prep freezer meals for when you’re busy with a newborn, and maybe even take a parenting class.

There’s a lot you can do to prepare for parenthood, but some things you simply can’t anticipate. Let’s explore 4 common parenting struggles that you often can’t prepare for.

1. The split of parenting duties feels unbalanced.

You can go into it with the best laid plans. You’ll do ABC; your spouse will do XYZ. And everything else will be a shared responsibility. Done and done. As many couple find out, this seemingly foolproof arrangement is often easier said than done when you’re actually in the thick of caring for a newborn or young child. Your spouse might be more comfortable around babies so you defer to them often. Your newborn’s feeding situation or your toddler’s fickle preferences might dictate who is handling which duties. Or you might mirror the role breakdown you observed in your own parents – without even realizing it. During this phase, when it often feels like you’re in survival mode, patterns and precedents can solidify quickly. Making changes can be difficult. How do you bring it up? How can you actually adjust when you’re both still figuring things out? It’s not uncommon for couples to experience a sense of imbalance without even knowing how they got there.

2. Your dynamic changes.

You knew your relationship would change. You’d have less time for date nights, simply hanging out, and focusing solely on each other. What you didn’t expect was how you might feel so far away from your spouse – missing the “old” them – even when they’re right next to you. It can also be difficult to pinpoint the issue is exactly; it just feels like things are different than they used to be. These feelings are valid! You’re different versions of yourselves now, and you’re both learning what exactly that looks like as you take on this new role as parents. You wonder if you’ll ever get back to the way things used to be, and the truth is, you might not. It’s okay to mourn that, and know that in its place is the potential for something deeper and more fulfilling. Give each other grace as you learn to embody these new versions of yourselves and your marriage.

3. “Me time” becomes scarce.

Some people love their solitude; others could take it or leave it, or even prefer being with others. No matter where you fall, most people need at least a little time to themselves. When you become parents, it can feel like your time is no longer your own. You or your spouse might find that to be a hard adjustment, leaving you feeling burnt out, unbalanced, or simply not yourself. What makes it more difficult is that you can’t simply set aside or claim more alone time – you have a child to care for, after all. Often, you end up taking these feelings out on each other. You might feel even more disconnected when you actually need each other’s support the most.

4. You parent differently than you planned.

Similar to #1 on this list, you might think you know how you’ll parent. Maybe you think you’ll be the stern one, you agree you’ll handle discipline a certain way, or vow to prohibit screen time until age 2. But it’s a different story when you’re in the midst of those toddler tantrums, are trying to prevent one in the grocery store, or simply trying to get to an appointment on time with the kids in tow. You can’t predict the dynamics that will develop between your children’s personalities and your own. Similarly, becoming a parent can bring out new triggers or past traumas that you’ve not yet explored. And all of this can result in embodying your new role much differently than you imagined.

The reality is, these situations aren’t just unique to new parents. They might pop up throughout your marriage as you navigate new and changing phases of life. It can shake your confidence as a couple – if you’ve experienced this you’re not alone! Parenting, just like marriage itself, is a lot of figuring it out as you go. The key is to prioritize open and honest communication through it all, and remember that you’re on the same team. Stay flexible, and always be willing to learn and grow in the face of parenting challenges. You can’t prepare for every struggle, but you can navigate them successfully together.