As a couple, you and your spouse will face countless decisions. From the minor yet incessant “What’s for dinner?”, to momentous yet infrequent ones like “Should we move for this job?” The choices you’ll have to make together fall on both ends of this spectrum, and everywhere in between.
Sometimes the choice is easy. One or both of you have the knowledge that’s necessary to make a smart and informed decision, and you’re aligned on the desired outcome and the path to get there. Done and done. Other times, it’s not so cut and dry. Maybe you and your spouse are new homeowners facing some unavoidable repairs. Neither of you has much experience or insight on the topic, but your father-in-law is a contractor. How much should his opinion weigh in your decision? Or perhaps you have a very close relationship with your parents and like to consult with them on most of your bigger decisions. How much say do they get? How much is too much? What factors complicate these dynamics? What should your end goal be? Let’s explore.
Letting outside perspectives in
It’s totally normal to seek input, opinions, expertise, and recommendations from outside sources, whether it’s for big decisions or to simply get another perspective. After all, your marriage doesn’t exist in a vacuum; decisions you make can affect others in your circle. Not only that, but it’s often wise to get as much information as you can from various sources before coming to a final decision. For example, maybe you want to make sure that the repair estimate you got isn’t totally out of line, or you’re thinking about going back to school so you get some insight from a sibling who took a similar path. Typically, you can incorporate this input into the discussion with your spouse without much thought and still make a joint decision you both feel good about. But sometimes it gets more complicated…
Complicating factors
We haven’t called it out explicitly in this post, but you may have noticed – the examples all involve family members. Not so coincidentally, family dynamics are often the culprit when it comes to making marital decisions more complicated. The relational ties, past hurts and conflicts, and unspoken family rules can make the line between “helpful advice” and “unquestioned directive” rather fuzzy. Is there an aspect of money involved, i.e. accepting financial assistance from parents? This can add a twist of complexity on top of everything else. Unsurprisingly, all of this can cause issues in your marriage if you’re not aligned on how to handle it. As an exercise, reflect on how you might navigate the following scenarios or a similar one in your own life:
A) Your contractor father-in-law has strong opinions on your home repairs, and your spouse has always deferred to him on these things, just going along with whatever he recommends. You’re not comfortable having him dictate everything house related. Sure, he knows what he’s talking about, but you’d like to make the decisions as a team instead of just doing what your father-in-law says. How do you break from this dynamic?
B) You just got offered an amazing job in a different state. You currently live near your parents, who you’re very close to and whose opinions hold a lot of weight. They don’t want you to move away, citing that you could get a similar job here. Your spouse thinks they’re holding you back, and you admit you agree, but you’re worried about hurting them. How much should their feelings factor into your decision?
C) Your parents and your fiancé’s are paying for a large portion of your wedding. Everyone wants a a big celebration, except for you two. Who gets the final say?
The takeaway
At the end of the day, the decisions within your marriage are yours and your spouse’s to make. While outside input can be helpful, your spouse’s opinion is the one that should matter most. This doesn’t mean that you can’t consider others’ advice, just that you should ultimately be deciding as a team. You might end up going with your father-in-law’s advice after all, but only after you’ve gotten aligned and arrived at that result together. Of course, this is easier said than done.
If it seems like external opinions are becoming intrusive and causing conflict when trying to make decisions with your spouse, that might be an indication of a boundary-related issue that needs further exploring. For example:
- Do you need to have a conversation with family members about giving more space and respect to your marriage and making decisions as a couple? Do you need to set more boundaries?
- Do you or your spouse need to work on prioritizing each other’s input over other family members?
- Does money or accepting help financially affect your relationship with family? Does this change the weight of their input? Are you aligned on this? If not, are you able to pinpoint the root of your disagreement?
Having close ties with family is often a blessing, but this can complicate decision-making in your marriage, especially when family dynamics are complicated in their own right. You might find that these questions only scratch the surface of sorting them out, but it’s a good place to start. When you prioritize each other though all the external noise, you’ll be better able to recognize potential boundary issues and get aligned on how to solve them.
I am in full agreement with prioritizing my partner and closing off external voices..My separation has truly helped me to really sit with myself and learn more about reasons for my fear and anxiety. I allowed fear to overshadow the love I feel towards my husband. Through prayer, therapy and making the conscious choice to learn and put in practice all that I’m learning, I have now understood that it was never my husband job to heal me or to o save me and for that I’m eternally grateful.
This is an excellent and relevant article.
In our experience couples who have conflicts which “wont just just go away ” or “endlessly crop up again ” may be unaware that the source of their differences comes from the different values they have brought into the relationship. Thus, in the examples given, one partner may value their family connections much more than their spouse does. It may have been an assumption from childhood that”mum and dad will always help financially”, or that “mum and dad know best,” . There may be assumptions about what a wedding is supposed to look like and who “should” be invited. All these ideas are values adopted since childhood and need to be brought to the light and discussed as adults so the true driver of opinions and conflict is understood. This can be difficult but at least the couple will know (with respect) who is giving ground, taking ground, and who is admitting their motivation!