How Money Disagreements Can Bring You Closer

Money can be one of those touchy subjects for couples. If it’s a topic you and your spouse struggle with, you might be able to attest to the fact that it can make you feel 1,000 miles apart. When you simply can’t understand each other’s perspective and don’t see eye to eye on basic tenets of managing your finances, getting aligned seems like a pipe dream. It doesn’t have to be this way! Let’s explore why money is such a tricky issue and how your differences can actually be an opportunity to grow closer.

Differences run deeper than spending vs. saving.


What is at the root of disagreeing about money? It goes back to when we were kids, where we learned the meaning of money from our family of origin. Your parents’ values and attitudes toward money shaped your own initial construct of what it is and the role it plays in your life. Maybe money meant status, a way to show you’ve “made it” by being able to purchase nice things. Maybe money meant security, a necessary cushion or fallback plan in case times got tough. Perhaps it was a means of enjoyment – it meant you could do fun things with your family. Or maybe it was about control – if you earned the money, you got to decide how and when it was spent.

We don’t realize it’s not inherently the same for everyone until later in life when our money orientations bump up against someone else’s. For example, you find your college roommate’s spending habits completely baffling because they’re the complete opposite of yours. When you get married or begin managing your money with your partner, your differences are exposed, and you’ll feel the impact in your relationship. The meaning and values that you attach to money are deeply ingrained in you, directly affecting the way you interact with money, both consciously and subconsciously. Because of this, unraveling money disagreements with your spouse can be much more complex than just agreeing on a budget.

Emotions are an opportunity for connection.


Money is so much more than a tangible way to purchase goods and services. It represents a lot to us metaphorically, and that means there are a lot of emotions tied to it as well. Think about a money-related fight you’ve had, then look a little deeper at your feelings that were underlying the conflict. Was there guilt? Shame? Fear? Insecurity? You might not have all the answers or be able to perfectly explain why you felt the way you did – that’s okay. Peeling back the layers and sharing those feelings with each other is a great way to increase intimacy. Talking about experiences you had growing up that left a lasting impression on your relationship with money can give each other insight into your present-day attitudes and behaviors. You might not only learn something new about each other, but you’ll be better equipped to support, comfort, and accommodate each other when you’re facing a triggering money situation.

Empathy helps you align.


Understanding each other’s emotional relationship to money is a great starting point for resolving money issues in your marriage. It might seem like a stretch, but think about it: if you’re able to understand the deeper “why” behind your spouse’s money quirks and see their perspective, you’ll be in a mindset that’s more ready to reach alignment on the broader goals and compromise on your disagreements. Once you’re able to align on the broader goals, then you can take the more practical steps toward reaching your goals, like agreeing on a budget or taking steps to reduce your debt.

Solving money disagreements might seem like it’s just a matter of getting your spouse to match their money attitudes and habits to your own, or vice versa. However, it runs so much deeper than that. Money has meaning that is ingrained through early family experiences and is closely tied to emotions. Gaining an understanding of this interplay is not only an important step in increasing alignment on your money conflicts, it’s also hidden opportunity to grow closer to each other.