Handling Hot Topics in Social Settings

Imagine you and your spouse are out celebrating a friend’s birthday. You’re chatting away catching up with another couple, and they ask you if you’re going on any vacations this year. You immediately tense up. They wouldn’t know this, but this has been a sore spot in your marriage for the last couple of months. Your spouse shoots you a look; you shoot them one back.

Have you been in this situation before? A major point of contention between you and your spouse comes up in front of others. Maybe it’s something you’ve been arguing about, like in the example. Or it could be an elephant in the room that you haven’t discussed yet. Either way, you’re caught off-guard and put on the spot. Maybe there’s awkward silence, or you can feel your emotions start to bubble up. How do you respond? Here are a few tips for handling hot topics in social settings.

1. Maintain boundaries.

The topic might be tied to very private or personal details. If you don’t typically share this information with others, this is not the time to start. Uphold the privacy boundaries of your marriage – don’t divulge details you haven’t okayed with your spouse. Similarly, if you have thoughts or opinions on the matter that you haven’t shared with your spouse yet, be empathetic if you decide to do so. It doesn’t always feel great when your spouse opens up with a third party present before they’ve shared those same sentiments with you (sometimes this can cause conflict in its own right!)

2. Be respectful.

Let’s say the question raised is actually a major issue in your relationship. It might be tempting to throw your spouse under the bus in order to gain an unbiased perspective or even just to see if the person’s opinion on the matter aligns with your own. Although it might feel satisfying in the moment, this can be a major blow to your connection as a couple and the sense of loyalty and emotional safety you have with one another. Respect your marriage by keeping the issue between you and your spouse.

3. Give a vague answer if you need to.

The people around you might be waiting for an answer, but you don’t have to give one if you’re not comfortable doing so. Be gracious, but clear, if it’s something you’d rather not discuss in front of everyone. You might say something like, “We’re actually still trying to figure that out, we’ll get back to you!” Inject some humor to keep things light, but don’t let yourself feel pressured into sharing things you don’t want to.

4. Debrief later.

You might be eager to discuss the moment with your spouse, or you might secretly hope you both forget about it. Either way, most of the time you’ll benefit from a private debrief afterwards. It can be an opportunity to either reopen the conversation or finally address it if you haven’t yet. It’s also a chance to talk about the way you both handled the situation in the moment. How were you each affected? Is there anything that could have been handled better, and if so, how? How can you be supportive of each other in similar circumstances in the future?

Chances are, you and your spouse will experience this situation at some point, if you haven’t already. You can’t determine when or if it will happen, but you can take control of how you respond to it. Will it be an uncomfortable public argument you wish you could take back, or an emotional fight when you get home? Or will it be an opportunity to cement your teammate status, strengthen your connection, and maybe even laugh at the moment in hindsight? You decide!