Have you and your spouse ever been in a situation that you know for certain requires a discussion, but that’s simply not possible in the moment?
Even if you’re masters of resolving conflict, there are times when getting into it right then and there isn’t the best choice. These are the times that call for a marriage debrief.
What is a marriage debrief?
The definition of a marriage debrief can be a bit fluid, but in general it’s going to involve having an intentional discussion with your spouse about a situation or experience you went through together, or even about your marriage itself.
What are some examples?
It’s not an all-inclusive list by any means, but here some examples of situations that might call for a marriage debrief:
A. You disagree with how your spouse is handling a hard parenting moment, but you don’t say anything in front of the kids – or you do choose to call it out when it’s happening, and your spouse feels undermined.
B. Your spouse makes a comment in front of your mutual friends that was rather embarrassing. You’re hurt they would say that in front of others, but you didn’t want to start an argument in front of everyone, so you let it slide for the time being.
C. You’re just coming out of a hectic few months – crazy kids’ schedules, everyone being sick, stressful times at work, you name it. You were operating in survival mode, but see the light at the end of the tunnel. You wonder what you can take away from the experience.
D. You just went on vacation with your extended family. It was… interesting. At certain points it felt like you needed a vacation from the vacation! Would you do it again? There’s a lot to discuss.
E. You’ve been feeling like things have been “off” between you and your spouse lately, and you feel it’s time to address it.
What do you talk about?
While it’s going to vary depending on the exact situation, the main goal is to address, analyze, and ultimately learn from what went down. Here are some things you might discuss:
- What is the actual situation being discussed? This might seem like it should be obvious, but sometimes the need for a debrief actually indicates that only one of you is aware that there’s an issue, like in situation A or B above.
- How were each of you affected? Lead with “I statements” to share your feelings and perspective in a way that spark the cycle of defensiveness.
- What could have been handled differently? Instead of blaming or criticizing your spouse, focus on taking responsibility for your own actions and reactions, or how you could have done things better as a team.
- What did you learn from the experience, and what can you do differently next time? Whether it’s a very scenario-specific lesson (always bring extra snacks on a road trip!) or one with more wide-ranging application (helping each other de-stress is important), think through how you’ll actually use this newfound knowledge when you encounter similar situations down the road.
How does a debrief differ from a check-in?
If you’re familiar with our blog, you probably know we’re big proponents of a regularly scheduled relationship check-in. It’s a designated time for you and your partner to touch base on the status of your relationship. You might talk about what’s working or not working, how satisfied you both are in various areas of your relationship, express gratitude and appreciation, air grievances, or even just talk about your day. You might be thinking, “This sounds a lot like a debrief!” For the sake of delineating between the two, you’d typically have a debrief after a specific incident/situation/phase. A check-in is a regular, standing discussion not necessarily about any one thing in particular – for instance, you might address anything that’s happened in the last week.
Of course, at the end of the day, these are just semantics. While the timing might be slightly different, they share the goal of giving you space to share feelings, get aligned, strengthen your connection, and work better as a team.
