Have you ever been on the receiving end of a bad apology? How did it make you feel? Even if you couldn’t articulate exactly what what was off about it, you might have walked away feeling a sense of dissatisfaction, or even more hurt or angry than you were initially. Have you been on the other side of this situation? You tried to apologize to your spouse, but it was not received well. Maybe you felt like you were doing all the right things, but it’s not coming across the way you’d like. What went wrong?
The fact of the matter is, a meaningful apology is more than just uttering the words, “I’m sorry.” Here are five things that can undermine an apology.
1. The “I’m sorry, but…”
If you’re adding “but” to the end of your apology, you’re essentially contradicting anything you said before it. Sometimes it’s an excuse: “I’m sorry I said that, but I was really frustrated.” Other times it’s a way to shift blame: “I’m sorry I did that, but you did it first.” And sometimes, you’re simply trying to offer an explanation: “I’m sorry I was so late and didn’t call, but I took a wrong turn.” It’s natural to want to explain yourself and even to deflect blame away from yourself. However, attaching these conditions to your apology is essentially leaning into an excuse for what you did. Instead, work on taking ownership and responsibility for your actions and their consequences. It’s not easy by any means, but it goes a long way in expressing a meaningful apology. It also sets the tone for resolving future conflicts.
2. Incongruent body language
Body language might seem less important than the words you’re saying, but it really is the foundation to communicating in a genuine way. Think of a time you were talking to someone whose body language didn’t align with what they were saying. Maybe they were avoiding eye contact or something was off about their tone of voice. It probably made it difficult to really take what they were saying to heart. You maybe questioned whether they were being honest and truthful, or perhaps you just disregarded what they were saying altogether. It goes without saying that this is the opposite of what you’re going for when apologizing to your spouse. Be mindful of matching your body language to what you’re feeling – making good eye contact, keeping arms uncrossed, using a warm tone of voice, and initiating physical contact when it feels appropriate.
3. Apologizing for your spouse’s reaction instead of your offense
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” You’ve probably heard this classic before. Maybe you’ve even said it yourself. Sure, it includes the words “I’m sorry” and there’s no “but” in there, however… is it really an apology? It’s kind of like saying, “You’ve got feelings about it – that’s on you.” Focus on apologizing for your own actions. This is a great opportunity to revisit the use of “I” statements: “I’m sorry that I [insert action here].”
4. Not validating your spouse’s feelings
This might be considered the other half of #3. While you want to avoid apologizing for your spouse’s reaction, you do want to validate the feelings they might be having in the situation. This might sound like, “You’re angry with me, and it’s understandable,” or “You have a right to be upset with me.” This is a way of acknowledging how your actions have affected your partner and showing you understand where you went wrong, which is an important part of issuing a genuine apology.
5. Showing no desire to improve
Some situations are a one-time thing. Maybe you forgot to pick up milk or fill the car up with gas. You apologize for a minor, unintentional offense that doesn’t require much extra thought. But when the issue is bigger, more repair is required. Part of that is reflecting on and discussing how you can do things differently going forward. It could be a promise to work on something individually or a plan for how to avoid the situation in the future. The willingness and desire to grow and be a better partner demonstrates your commitment to your marriage. Without it, an apology can feel a bit incomplete.
Apologizing to your spouse isn’t always easy. It takes humility, self-awareness, and emotional maturity to swallow your pride and admit you were in the wrong. And sometimes, despite our best intentions, our attempt to do so can fall short. Hopefully, avoiding these things can help you make amends in a meaningful way that resonates with your spouse.
This is helpful. I will save this one so that I can be a better husband and father, and share it with my spouse as well. Thank you! 🙏
This was very helpful. Will show to my husband & In hopes makes me a better wife. Thank You.
If only I could get my husband to read this article and understand that saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” is an inappropriate apology lol
If you aren’t prepared to give grace for their part, then you probably aren’t ready to apologize either.
Amazing perspective and I find it to be very true.
This is my favorite P/E article so far! I love the very practical solutions to very common mistakes.
This is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Sometimes the accusation is just not true. The expressed emotion is real but is the misinterpretation of an action or inaction by the one accused.
When this is the situation saying “I’m sorry.” merely validates the implied guilt and does nothing to reach understanding and peace. A blog on these situations would also be helpful. Thanks for the well written advice.
I like your comments as they add validity to make an effort to listen and confirm the others comments and expose the misinterpretation.
Hello Thomas, is the accusation In your situation merely misunderstanding, or as this article states, are there areas of improvement that could be made regarding that accusation?
We had a discussion about the ‘I am sorry’ today and both agreed that it must come with “I understand why you were upset and I will try really hard to not do this again or to do better next time’.
There is an excellent book I read with a huge focus on forgiveness that said to never say “I’m sorry” when apologizing, because it doesn’t give the other person anything to respond to. Instead, humbly say “Will you please forgive me for ?” Even if that person isn’t ready to forgive you, it puts the ball in their court and forces the offending one to name and take responsibility for what they’ve done or how they’ve made that person feel (even if it wasn’t intentional). If there are deeper roots to the conflict at hand and some major reconciliation is desired, an even more humbling follow up question is “Are there other things you need me to ask forgiveness for, for us to move forward in this situation?” It takes forgiveness to a whole new (and way deeper) level of vulnerability and healing.
That is very revealing wisdom may GOD! bless you!
This is great…what’s the book?
I am constantly getting this statement… “Why should I apologize, I didn’t do anything wrong?” Or “It’s not my job to make you happy”. I think in 20 years I have heard two sincere apologies, yet I feel like I am saying sorry every other day. I have grace and know that my husband isn’t perfect although it gets really hurtful when he isn’t willing to take responsibility for how his actions affect others. I will let him know that I really need an apology but then it always ends up with him being upset that I would desire one. Should I just not ask for an apology and let things build up inside of me and pray that I have enough grace inside of me to move forward?