5 Most Common Conflict Issues

When it comes to conflict in your marriage, it can sometimes feel like you’re the only couple who regularly deals with certain issues. It might seem like other couples have a much easier time resolving conflict or that it shouldn’t be so hard for you and your spouse. That can feel pretty isolating. But we’re going to let you in on a secret: most couples, even those that are skilled in conflict resolution, deal with a common set of conflict-related problems in their marriage.

That’s right. Prepare/Enrich data has pinpointed five of the most common conflict issues reported by a majority of couples. Here’s what they are:

1. “One person always ends up feeling like it’s their fault.”

In the midst of conflict, it’s natural to want to place blame. You might point the finger at each other, or you may have tendency to take the “everything is always my fault” stance. Truthfully, in most situations, there is room for both partners to take responsibility for the ways they’ve contributed to the problem. It might mean holding yourself accountable for something you said or did, or it could be owning your feelings or your reaction to a situation. Ultimately, it takes two people to have a fight and to resolve it. Leaning into this mindset can set the stage for more productive discussion and resolution.

2. “We go out of our way to avoid conflict.”

Most people don’t like fighting with their spouse. So it seems a bit counterintuitive that one of the big issues is avoiding the issue in the first place. Less conflict is good, right? Well, not necessarily. Conflict is inevitable in marriage. Although it might not always feel like it, dealing with it productively can actually boost your sense of connection and help you grow as a couple. When you consistently avoid addressing issues, there’s a good chance that resentment or other emotional clutter is building up between you. After all, the problems don’t go away just because you sweep them under the rug. Working through problems together can be uncomfortable – and just plain hard. But it’s worth it in the end. We dive more into the reasons why here.

3. “We can’t agree on how to solve things.”

You’re working through issues – that’s great! But you’re completely at odds over how to solve them – not so great. This is normal, of course. You are two individuals who likely have different personalities and ways of thinking. It makes sense that this would carry over into problem-solving your marital conflicts. One of the most important things to keep in mind as you work toward a resolution is that you and your spouse are on the same team. It’s not about “winning” or trying to work things in your own favor. Rather, you’re working as a team to come up with the best solution for your relationship. Find more on how to reach a compromise here.

4. “We have big fights over seemingly small things.”

A casual comment about how the dishwasher is loaded leads to a big blow-up argument, and you don’t speak to each other for two days. Be honest – is it really about the dishwasher? Or is there an underlying issue that’s been festering for awhile but has gone unaddressed? Sometimes it boils down to issue #2 – you avoid dealing with the issue simply because you’d rather not stir the pot with an uncomfortable conversation. Meanwhile, negative emotions are brewing beneath the surface. Other times, innocuous conversation can derail into an argument because one or both of you are getting defensive or you’re misunderstanding each other. Gain some valuable tips for defusing a fight here.

5. “We keep fighting about the same things.”

Do you have certain topics that you simply do not agree on, and you are worried you never will? Are you unsure what steps to take next or concerned about whether it’s going to damage your relationship? It can feel frustrating and discouraging having this constant elephant in the room, but take heart – it’s okay to disagree! In these situations, the key to breaking the stalemate is to start working toward alignment instead of complete and total agreement. You can learn more about what that looks like here.

When you’re in the thick of conflict with you spouse, it can feel like you’re the only couple in the world going through it, when in fact most couples experience these issues to some extent. We hope this leaves you feeling encouraged and empowered – you’re not failing, and you can get better at handling conflict in your marriage.