When you think of cliché relationship advice, it’s hard to beat the adage of “Never go to bed angry.” It might sound idyllic, but when you find yourselves still hashing out an argument at 2am you might start to wonder if it’s advice worth following.
Every couple is different, so if this rule works of you, that’s great! If it doesn’t, you’re not alone. In fact, there are times when going to bed angry – or with unresolved conflict – is okay. In fact, it might actually be in your relationship’s best interest. Let’s explore.
1. When you’re tired
If you’e already sleep deprived, staying up late to try to resolve an argument probably isn’t the most productive choice. Many people aren’t at their best when they’re lacking sleep, and if you’re both exhausted, conflict resolution skills might start to degrade. Your patience and empathy might be wearing thin, making it difficult to really communicate with each other in the way you want to. Getting a good night’s rest can help you feel fresh and ready to restart your discussion.
2. When you’re emotionally flooded
When strong emotions have taken over, your rational problem-solving side is not going to be at its strongest. This is when you are most at risk to say things you might later regret. Trying to resolve things in this state might seem like a long shot. When you could both use some time to cool off, getting some shut-eye could be the answer. However, you’ll want to keep in mind the caveats at the end of this post.
3. When you’re going in circles
If you’ve come to an impasse, sometimes the best thing you can do is take a step back to clear your head. This can help you gain some much-needed perspective and open your mind up to new solutions. Agree to get some rest and set a time to pick up the discussion again. You might find you’re able to come to a quick resolution after you’ve both had time to zoom out, see the bigger picture, and consider each other’s perspectives.
4. When you need more time to process
Forcing yourselves to work through a conflict when one or both of you are still processing your feelings or the situation itself is sort of like trying to flip a pancake too soon – it can turn into a mess. Giving yourselves the space to sort through emotions can help you both be primed for a more level-headed discussion.
A couple of caveats
- If you’re too upset or anxious to fall asleep (or get quality sleep), it’s probably helpful to get to a point where your mind is more at ease. Even if the issue is not resolved, do what you need to do to be able to get some good rest – maybe that is hugging it out for a few minutes, letting each other know it’ll be okay, or decompressing with a book for a few minutes before crawling into bed.
- Communication is always key. Don’t just stalk off to bed without letting your spouse know you need some time or space. Be respectful and empathetic of each other’s needs, too.
- Going to bed angry or with unresolved conflict does not mean putting it off indefinitely or avoiding/forgetting the issue. Whenever possible, try to verbally agree on a specific time to pick up where you left off. If you need to jot down notes to help you remember things you want to bring up, go for it. Knowing that you’re both invested in working through your conflicts – even if it takes more than one day – can provide a sense of security and reinforce your commitment to each other.
I couldn’t agree more with this article and way to go bringing up such a great topic!! Imho, this verse, Ephesians 4:26 – “And don’t sin by letting anger control you and don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry” is one of the more mis-quoted verses in the Bible when it comes to resolving conflict in a Christian marriage. As I’m working with couples, whether it’s on the pre-married or married side of things, I address this question about when to resolve conflict and virtually 100% of the couples will say and quote this verse. I then gently challenge them and their thinking by asking a question like this, “So let’s take a look at your lives, your both working full time, you’ve spent a good portion of the night running kids to all sorts of extracurricular activities, you finally get home and bathe the kids, get them a snack, tuck them in with bedtime prayers, and finally you’re ready to hit the sack, but now it’s 10:00 or 11:00 at night. You’re spent physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Is 11:00 PM really the best time of the day to resolve conflict? Even if it’s a big conflict? And don’t forget, you’ve got to start it all over again tomorrow when your alarm clock goes off at 5:00 AM!! That’s when the light bulb comes on for most couples and I instead suggest, set a time on the schedule for when and where you can best resolve the conflict. Do it soon! Find a sitter for Friday night. Drop the kids off at the grandparents. Just don’t ignore it too long to get it resolved. We don’t have to take a verse like this so literally, I personally think the implication in the verse is saying to resolve it sooner, rather than later, and not to let it drag on too long.
The often misquoted verse actually says:
Ephesians 4:26 – 27
“Be angry, and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. “
Anger is very much a natural expression of an unresolved conflict, on one hand it can help bring wisdom and understanding and therefore justice and equity to a relationship; but on the other hand, when it is brewed with a spiralling negative thought process – like condemnation, accusations, refusing to see the other’s vulnerabilities and weaknesses nor yours, you have placed yourself on the high road to destruction.
To me “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath” means to allow God to deal with your anger, pain and resentment within you and cause you to come to a better understanding of the conflict in the light of His wisdom and truth.
It is to say : “God I choose you to be the judge and witness to this conflict and I want you to correct me in your mercy if I have done wrong and him or her if she or he has done wrong.”
When you surrender your wrath to the eternal Father, there is an honest intent on your part to want to resolve the conflict in the best way possible, and in the process you gain the peace and the prudence to strengthen your relationship with the one whom you have chosen to partner life with.
So don’t let your negative thoughts ruin your much needed sleep and rest; seek God to manifest His wisdom in your situation, for there is no better judge than He.
Wow!! That’s really good!! I never thought of it that way! Thank you for sharing!
I appreciate this so much! Thank you for sharing!
I am with Rekha. It is ignorant to refer to this saying as just an “adage” , but we are greatly in need of a true understanding of the Source. The directive from scripture is not to force a discussion into the night – not to “fix” the other person before you go to bed, but rather an appeal to escape the trap of destructive self talk that conflict can generate. In the context of 2Cor. 2:10, 11, holding onto ager puts a welcome mat out for demonic attack and control of our thought life. This is not a metaphore. It says “dont let the sun go down on YOUR anger.” The anger of man does not accomplish the will of God. James 1:20.
So much depends on the nature or event and the personalities of the parties. Perhaps going to sleep-when attained, is OK, to allow the anger feelings to resolve over night. Perhaps to resolve it before sleep by a quick chat and kiss and hug and agreement to agree to disagree, or it’s done and done. Now to sleep. The affected parties should review this situation if the anger persists to the next day. Anger is not a good thing, generally, if unmanaged.
I have had difficulty sorting through my emotions. Sometimes a good night sleep instead of hashing through a conflict gives me the clarity and emotional strength to say this is what I was feeling and why I felt angry.
Also I found some helpful insights on having arguments that might speed up the time it takes to reconnect.
On number two:
“When strong emotions have taken over, your rational problem-solving side is not going to be at its strongest.”
When fear is strong we shut off our relational side. We are actually still problem solving but it is done in fear for our own survival- not the survival of the relationship. There is a great book that talks about how to turn your relational side back on with brain hacks when you find yourself in problem- solving mode.
CAKE is the acronym they use to remember ways to return to relational living.
Curiosity- be curious about your partner instead of assuming you know what he/she is thinking or wanting.
Appreciate- remember what you appreciate about your spouse- their top 5 qualities and best relational moments
Kindness- remember that they are human and not the enemy. They have hurts and fears and their trust can be fragile. A kind gesture can go a long way to helping them feel safe
Eye contact- We look away when trying to self-protect or we may look with strong negative emotions at the other person. Instead, try to look with loving eyes directly at the other person’s eyes. It communicates something on a deep level.
4 Habits of Joy-Filled Marriages by Marcus Warner and Chris Coursey