Have you ever had a fight brew up out of nowhere? One minute, you’re laughing and affectionate with each other; the next minute, you’re both hurling snarky comments and feeling anything but connected.
So what happened in those two minutes? How did you go from enjoying each other’s company to finding yourself in a fight? You might be thinking, “All I said was XYZ!” Your partner might be thinking, “I can’t believe they said XYZ!”
Oftentimes, there is a trigger – something that stirs up emotions. Then there are a series of choices that we make that lead us down the fight path. The problem is, strong emotions make it difficult to make rational decisions, and our natural instinct is to protect ourselves. This means we might react in a way that triggers our partner, inadvertently or not. You can see how this creates the perfect conditions for an unexpected fight.
So how can we get better at managing our emotions and making choices that defuse those moments instead of fanning the flames? Here are four strategies to add to your repertoire:
Get to know your triggers.
It takes self-awareness and vulnerability to identify your triggers and share them with your partner, but it’s a really powerful way to grow together, too. When we understand our own triggers, it gives us a chance to temper our emotions with more rational thinking so we can respond more appropriately. It also allows us to take responsibility for our response if it’s less than ideal : “Whoa, I’m sorry I snapped at you. I feel really insecure about that.”
On the flip side, knowing your partner’s triggers doesn’t necessarily mean you can avoid them entirely. It does mean you might be more thoughtful and aware of your tone, phrasing, or timing when addressing certain topics. You’ll also have much more insight into your partner’s responses in certain situations, allowing you to respond with empathy.
Have a signal.
When it comes down to it, do either of you really want to have this fight? Probably not. They tend to pop up at the worst times, like on your way to meet up with friends for a double date or other occasions in which you’re meant to enjoy yourselves. So come up with a signal that means, “I’m sorry! I don’t want to fight!” Whether it’s a silly word, phrase, or gesture, it acts as sort of a light-hearted equivalent of waving a white surrender flag. Of course, you’ll have to agree on this ahead of time so that you both understand the meaning. But in those moments when you’re not sure what to say to turn things around, a secret signal can be clutch.
If you can’t say anything nice…
Have you ever had a moment where you just know you should not say what’s on the tip of your tongue. A sarcastic comment, snide comeback, or just the irresistible urge to have the last word, your rational mind knows it’s not going to help the situation. Succumbing to that urge is one of those little choices that can either save the whole evening – or ruin it. So if you have the wherewithal to stop yourself, consider throwing out some humor instead – just be sure your partner will think it’s funny, too. Go with a self-deprecating joke to lower defenses and lighten the mood, or something completely random and silly that your partner can’t help but break down and laugh. It might be just the switch up you need to steer yourselves away from a big fight.
Allow do-overs.
If you just can’t seem to say the right thing in the right way, sometimes you just need a do-over. Ask your partner if you can start over. You might acknowledge you responded poorly, offer a sincere apology, then give the response you would have liked to give the first time around. You’re both human, and you’re not going to get it right every time. Giving each other this grace is a way to acknowledge their likely good intentions and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
Healthy conflict is necessary for growth, but getting caught up in every avoidable argument that comes along can do more damage than it’s worth. However, as we learn more about ourselves, each other, and our relationship, we can get better at managing our emotions in order to steer an interaction away from an unnecessary argument.
What are some tricks you use to defuse a fight? Let us know!
This is so good it’s like having a savings account. Lol!
I liked this article! Some of these things were practices I learned in therapy, but I love the permission to have do-overs. I wonder if those will help train the brain to react better the first time around.
Great resource! I am a therapist, will keep these tips in mind for my clients!
Helpful information as we do marriage mentoring. Loved the “allow do-overs.” Very few like to fight and this gives them an opportunity to say “Hey, I was wrong.. I really didn’t handle this in the right way…can we start over? Like you said everyone is human!
One great approach I learned at the school where I teach is to ask yourself these three questions before speaking: “Does it need to be said? Does it need to be said now? Do I need to be the one to say it?” Younger students learned a different version: “Is is kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?” Running through this quick checklist has stopped me from saying things that are unnecessary and certainly unnecessarily hurtful.
My husband and I have a signal word when one of us is starting to push the others buttons. When either of us hear “Pineapple” we know we are just about to step over the edge into an argument. 🙂
We teach a proactive process that hopefully avoids conflict escalation in the first place and provides a fair, balanced process that both can buy into. The process (we call it DSB for describe the facts and feelings, state the change you would like to see, and benefits that the change could provide for both partners) that we teach calls for separating from the situation to individually think through the situation, praying for yourself and for your partner, setting/verifying when it is a good time to talk through the situation and then do DSB followed by discussion, brainstorming, selecting a solution that both are willing to support, follow up dates on their calendars to check progress and celebrating success when resolved.
I know this one is super profound, but it’s always a good option: stop talking and just listen. It’s really rare to see a fight escalate when only one person is talking.
What do you do when your spouse gets angry because you stop talking?
Tell him in advance that you’re having some quiet time
I’ve learned to pause and think about what I’m thinking before speaking. If it’s not going to help the situation, it is flip and a criticism I mostly hold it and toss it or reframe the thought to get to the real issue/question or concern. This has been an experience of trail and error, but totally possible with practice and the grace of self discipline.
I loved the article, especially the piece about self-awareness and identifying triggers. Admittedly, I could have prevented many arguments, if only I understood my own “mess”. I hope to put this information into practice the next time.
A good article and nice advice in marriage quit and listening makes everything working well.
Great resource!! I will put it in practice!
Great article.